BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence why do i still love him

ive been with my same man for over 23yrs.we have 2 daughters,19 and 17,and 2 sons 8 and 4.he has always been an abuser but not like he is now.about 2 yrs ago he started accusing me of doing all kinds of nasty things like gangbangs at parties and threesomes.hes even accused me of doing dogs.then he started to deny all 4 kids saying they all had different dads.i thought he was just going threw some kind of change in life or a mental breakdown.we live apart now but we still get together.he says we are single but he wont let me go and the abuse is still going on.i still have hopes he will stop and realize what he has done to me and our kids.i thought our love was stronger than it is but im not willing to give up yet.i still love him and hope we can be a family again but he makes that impossible.because of the abuse,cops were involved a few times,then cfs got involved for the sake of the kids.they were on my side and he had supervised visits with them.they are not involved anymore.i just dont know why i cant let go after everything he has done to me mentally and emotionally.i beleive im scared to let go of all the years we,ve had together.

Because you do still love him and will never stop loving him. Maybe you are afraid of being alone? Think of yourself and more then likely you put others before yourself.

Its hard to give advice when you are in the same boat. Im sorry Bleedingheart that you are hurting, we here have hurt in ways that seems really unfair, why me what i ever do. Right. What if we lived a life where our man opened the door, told us we were pretty, said they loved us and then kissed us. I think that is what i want so i think im going to try and find it. I know it can happen. And why cant i have it, i was always told as a child i can do anything i set my mind to. Well i want a happy safe and loved life. Im sick of feeling less then or always questioned. Im done being a victim to my own selfesteem.. We can blame these jerks who hit us all day but we are the ones that feed that beast when we stay. I send you love and strength please keep posting it may seem silly but the little things in life still hold great value when put all together. Good luck and safe travel through life. Know you are not alone

Bleedingheart - get the heck out of that man's life NOW Or, rather - get him out of yours. You do not deserve what he is doing, and neither do the kids. If you cannot do it for yourself - then do it for the kids. Yes, it is scary - but believe me - it is scarier with him than without him. Get a support system in place, search domestic violence shelters - get your ducks in a row and then SCRAM...

thankyou for the support everyone.the truth is i do still love him to death but i think i have fallen out of love with him.just when i feel strong,he sweet talks me and sucks me in again.i know i keep setting myself up for it,but everytime i think hes gonna be different this time.but it always ends the same way.sometimes i feel dirty after spending the night at his place.hes fine the first few minutes awake in the morning,then he starts with his mouth.calling me a whore and a slut for the night before.im confused.does he love me or am i just a fool for thinking he does?how does somebody just change after 23yrs?he used to be my bestfriend,my soulmate.now hes my worst nightmare.i did spend 17 days in a shelter.cfs made me or they were taking my kids.they said i was being severly mentally,verbally and emotionally abused and needed to clear my head.it was traumatizing for me.not to mention my younger kids.the shelter was very supportive.they gave me childcare to attend daily councilling.they made him move out of our home so the kids and i could return home safely.its never been the same since.i am discusted and i hate him for doing that to us but yet he has a hold on me and i dont know how to get away from him.i dont want to disrupt my kids life anymore than it already is.we,ve all had to adjust to the living arrangements and the off and on relationship.just dont even know how to deal with it anymore.thankyou for listening to me vent.

I feel people who "flip-flop" in personality such as what you describe first off are unsettled/angry individuals who have blocked the capacity to love anything past immediate gratification. You may think he/she is loving you, but really - the truth of the matter is, they are programmed internally to do what it takes to get what they want. Usually after sex or living arrangement change, they go back to the person they really are.

Your in love with an image that you've created of a person that is more of a hope or dream of what you'd like them to be. It's a mask. If you were to remove that mask, that image the spell would be broken.

Dear (((bleedingheart))), I feel that if you applied Elleises' intuitive guidance to your situation, you would see with new eyes. One of the things that hit me was the accusations of sexual behaviour, and the extremes that he goes to. Is it possible that he has been watching too much pornography and is transposing it on to you? Whatever you choose for yourself, I pray that there is peace in that choice. But you will never lose the memories you had together, be they good or bad; do you want to continue to make bad memories? Blessings, Rhiannon, )O(