BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Arguing about the same issues

Thank you, Angela, for bringing up an important topic in another thread. Seems as though every couple can run into the problem of arguing over--and not resolving--the same issues.

My husband and I were like that. We'd just stop and let it go in order to maintain the peace but then every so often, problematic issues cropped up again. After 26 years, we still can't make headway on them. And FINALLY, I learned why!

The frustration lies in our attempt to get the other person to see and agree to our viewpoint. Sometimes, because of who we are (personalities, etc.) that just isn't going to happen. Because we are so connected to our mates, we desperately want them to "understand" us and to be on the same team when it comes to certain issues. It would make life easier, our relationships smoother.

But when you love someone, you learn to love him/her as is. He/she doesn't have to see or do things your way. I learned to let him be, even if that meant watching him do a lot of what I consider to be self-destructive things.

He also has a very methodical way of doing things and my "butterfly" approach to life drove him crazy. He was always telling me how to do things in a more "efficient" manner. Only just recently have we finally agreed to stop trying to change each other. Our choices, beliefs, attitudes make us who we are, and we are beautiful, magnificent beings because of it. Live and let live.

Coupling up with another person is hard until you agree to embrace each other's individuality and come together to enjoy life. "The two shall become one..." means to become one in the spirit of love not to morph into one being entirely.

I recall once an old couple comprised of very different individuals. The husband had a very annoying way about him, always mouthing off his opinions and such. When someone asked his wife about his irritating trait, she shrugged and said, "That's just him." Without judgment or criticism. She had accepted that it was who he was and still found plenty else to love about him.

You don't have to love every little thing about your mate. But you can learn to let go of the irritation over the things you don't like by not trying to change it and having the integrity to allow others their mistakes, follies and learning opportunities. You can allow others to be who they are.

Someone wise and loving said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do."

This is so beautifully put Lori.

While I liked your whole post, this part jumped out at me. My husband often reacts to my taking a different approach to doing a household chore, even small things like how you put away laundry, as being a sign of disrespect for his opinions. And I've tried to say, just because I love you doesn't mean I'm going to think your take on every topic in the world is correct. But I like your phrasing better, to not expect your minds and opinion to morph into one.

I have learned to, over the years, accept my husband's weaknesses. But till this day, there are things about his siblings that I can't accept. In fact, most of the time, this becomes the reason for our arguments.

Thanks, Anne! That is a VERY important thing I learned! We have such ridiculous expectations of marriage, don't we? That we have to have the same beliefs, habits, etc.

And Lyn, you gave me a great idea for a new article! Thanks!

Recently, my husband and I had an epiphany about our cyclical argument. The whole reason why we argued was to get the other person to change his/her way of thinking and align with our own. Not going to happen. Divorce? Nope. Just acceptance. So we learned not to bring up subjects where we definitely will never agree. Sorta like what Anne and her husband found out. We do things our own way. Build a bridge and get over it.

We really are at peace with things now. Phew. You be you; I be me. Together we are one happy family.