BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do these feelings keep coming up?

First off, I want to say how happy I was to discover this site a few years ago. Reading about other people's experiences and seeking advice on my decision to not have children has helped me so much. Second, on to my issue. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. We never wanted children. I'm 43 and he is 44. Last year he had a vesectomy. Growing up, I never saw children as part of my life plan. Then, my sister had two boys and I saw how unappealing the life of raising children is. My friends have school-age children and that lifestyle is so unappealing to me. To be clear, I LOVE my nieces and nephews and would do anythng for them, but I never wanted to have the responsibility of kids. I love the freedom I have in my life. What scares the hell out of me is that there are periods of time when I wonder if I will regret my decision. The kid feelings creep up over and over. I'm tired of questioning my decsion. Recently, my cat disappeared and I was devastated. Since then, I keep thinking /wondering if I made the right decision. My head doesn't want kids, but my heart feel empty and I'm terried I will be lonely and alone when I'm old. I'm a nurse and I see so many patients (most with kids) who are lonely because no one comes to visit them. I know that having kids is no guarantee you will NOT be alone. I feel such a battle between my head and my heart. I'm tired of these emptiness feelings coming up over and over. I just want to be to stop worrying about being lonely or regretting my decision. If anyone can help that would be great!! Thanks!

At 43 nature has probably already sealed your fate unless you are considering adopting.

I agree with easy cash, but you know....I think it's easy to question yourself when you've chosen a different path than most. I've done this myself in more than one area of life. In addition, It sounds like in your mind you know what's right fo you;perhaps you just need some companionship. This companionship could be with a new pet ( So sorry about the cat disappearing...) or some volunteer work.

Misstalia - thank you for your your supportive words. I appreciate your input!

Hi Jillster, I understand exactly how you feel.
I'm 45 ( hubby is 55 ) and to be honest I'm sure I will question my choice on the odd occasion until I'm old and grey ! The trouble is, I still keep coming back to the answer that I have done the right thing for me.

As misstalia says, every life choice will be questioned at times, and let's face it this is the biggest life changing decision anyone has to make.

I'm sure I would have loved to have a bond with a child of my own, laughed, played, hugged etc. - all those soft fuzzy, romantic things that people talk about in relation to offspring.

But some parents seem to forget we have deep feelings for those we love - wether it's parents, family, close friends, - or furry friends and having kids or not should be an informed choice, and having looked at the whole picture my choice was not.

Does it mean it was an easy choice ? no. does it mean that I won't question that choice ? of course not.
We are all intelligent forward thinking people, and as such it is only natural to question and mull over every decision we make throughout life.

I come back again to the stereotype that many parents have - if you haven't had kids you're an unhappy, unloved, miserable old prune.

The reason why I love this forum is that I don't have to try and prove to these parents that actually I love life, have fun, laugh regularly, and don't need a child to feel complete.
AND I like prunes....

So don't feel bad when these feelings bubble up. accept them, and accept yourself for the choice you've made.
That's part of the problem - society makes you feel bad for your choice.
enjoy the good things in your life.
hugs.

Gaynor8002 - thank you so much for your reply. How do you deal with these feelings when they pop back up? Lately I have been flooded with them because my cat is gone - and I was devasated by that. Maybe I'm just hypersensitive, but when these feelings come back I don't know what to do with them? I dwell on them at times and really question myself. My head knows that I have made the right decision, it's my heart the yells at me and gets all emotional. I love my life with my husband and the freedom we have. I do, however, wonder at times if I have made the right decision. And, not that this is a reason to have kids, I wonder if I will alone and lonely at the end of life - who will be there for me?

You know what sounds worse to me that not having anyone when I'm older? Being older and knowing that I have kids, but never or rarely getting visits. :-(

I understand what you are saying, and I think it's a very valid question. I wonder the same thing because my husband and I are both in our 40's and have no intention of having children. In our case, our church does a great job of "keeping track" of the older members of the congregation, and encourages visits and outings (I recently started visiting a woman who has Alzheimer's, and boy, it is a challenge to know what to talk about when she can't tell me anything about herself, but she's very sweet).

I am hopeful that if I end up alone, I will have the financial resources to live in a nice retirement community where there are activities and nice people. I am grateful that I don't have to worry about paying for college tuition (or worse, supporting an adult child who is out of work), and can focus on saving for retirement.

For those who don't recognize me, it's because I probably haven't posted in about two years. Glad to be back! :-)

Hi, my name is Burt... I just started a few moments ago. I wanted to reach out to you because I'm 49 years old, Connie is 52. I decided not to have children because I wanted to be available to care for my elderly parents and uncle. I also suffer from bi-polar depression since 1977 when I was 16 years old. I have been on both sides of your equations as Connie and I had to fight for the right of my Dad to make his own choices against my biological brothers and the medical community with all do respect. I'm sure you have horror stories of your own how particular nurses are either not responsible or incompetent, or downright mean and crabby. It broke my heart one time when Dad shared a room with a little gentle elderly black man. During the course of a friendly conversation, I said, "Do you have any children close by to come and visit"? He said point blank: "I have a son and a daughter, but they live in other states and don't want anything to do with an old man" Broke my heart. I go through the pangs of not having children almost daily. I have to work on my psychology daily because all there is is Connie and me and we have two properties to manage and have to be separated at times. We are both very needy and co-dependent and very sensitive and emotional.. It would be nice to hear back from you.. Burt B.

Jillster, throughout life we make decisions that we often rethink, regret, have doubts with. This is normal. In the case of choosing to have or not have children there are often second thoughts as we get older. Some are at peace with their decisions and others are not. It is important to find that peace within. At the time you made your decision, you had good reasons.

When we think of being in our elder years and wondering if we will be alone and forgotten, it can be a scary thing to contemplate.

There are wonderful programs for the elderly, like ADOPT A GRANDPARENT which is so very nurturing and beneficial to the elderly who have no one. Even the elderly who have children who do not visit or call benefit greatly from this program. It is a Christian program but all peoples are accepted.

The elderly are such an important part of humanity and should never be set aside and forgotten. One thing that might help you to overcome this fear is to volunteer in programs like Adopt A Grandparent. By doing this, you will see first hand that when you are older, there will be Angels around who will be there for you. Angels are in our lives and often unrecognized. When I say Angels, I mean people who care about others and reach out to them with love and kindness. Be an Angel now and an Angel will come to you in your time of need.

Hi Phyllis and Jillster, When Phyllis said, "At the time you made your decision, you had good reasons". It was very comforting to me.