BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do these feelings keep coming up?

You do realize that having kids is no guarantee that they will even be there for you when you are old. Sometimes kids die before parents. Sometimes no matter how good a parent you were they don't turn out the way you expect and won't have anything to do with you.

If that is your fear you need to start forming meaningful and lasting relationships with people. They don't have to be family. Get a group of friends if you don't have some already. Get to know your neighbors. "Adopt" a friend's kid or get close to nieces and nephews if you have any. Be active in your community.

I have an uncle who is 92 and he and his wife never had kids (wife died several years ago) but his neighbor checks on him regularly and goes grocery shopping for him, cooks and brings him food occasionally.

He has a younger brother in the area, in laws, nieces and nephews that will check on him and take him places. He still drives but not often. I went to visit him a few months ago and I was surprised by one of my cousins that was also there visiting with him.

For a person who never had kids he still has many people who care about him and is there for him if he needs. It also helps we have a huge family and his wife had lots of siblings as well.

If you don't have a large family you have to find other ways of maintaining relationships. Volunteer to help others, be a good and caring friend. When you live a good life and do good for others you will get it back.

Reminds me of another aunt who died a few years ago. She was a huge busy body and gossip but in a good way. She was a friend to everyone. She was the first to call or stop by to visit people in hospitals, bring food for sick friends and they did the same for her. When she was in the hospital there were so many people in the room and visiting all the time the doctors had to kick people out.

When she died there were so many people at her funeral the procession of cars stretched for miles. She did have kids but even if she didn't that was the kind of person she was and regardless people would still have treated her the same. She was very active in her church and other organizations so she still had an active life even in her 80's.

I think it's a valid point that when we get older we all get more emotional. we are feeling our mortality, and thoughts focus more on health issues.

It's easy to get maudlin, when the mad rush of life in our 20's slows down , therefore giving us more time to think about everything - including the child issue.

the thing to remember is that these thoughts aren't just reserved for those without children - or who have maybe lost children - but those with too.
they wonder if their kids - who maybe live in another state or country will care for them. they worry about the money issue when the possibility of new career or better job will never come along, and we all start worrying for retirement.

- I'm just laughing to myself at what I've written as it sounds doom and gloom !! and I don't mean to sound gloomy or depressed.
the fact of the matter is, getting towards 50 - well, that sounds OLD. In my mind I'm 21, but the mirror and photos prove otherwise.

The thing is to accept that in our 40s and 50s this is the transition to old age, and believe me I HATE it.

I remember my mum saying she hated getting older, and now that they're in their 70's their life is punctuated my hospital checks, and pills every morning.
they don't moan about it - what can you do anyway ? that's life ! I agree with thisiseasycash above, be proactive in making your life what YOU want it.
I have some great friends and family, but I'm really happy with my own company. I love a good party, and enjoy meals out with a few good friends, but I've never wanted to get involved too much with the community - just because I would find it too much.

I feel for you Bert, if you believe yourself to be needy, but you know there are lots of people the same, and as we've said on this forum many times, the trick is to find like minded people and enjoy their company knowing you all have the same hopes and dreams, or just a good old natter to 'put the world right.'

If you feel isolated there are many solutions - you just need to go look, and as others have said if you take time to help others they will help you back.

To Jillster - I really feel for you with the loss of your cat. that's why you're feeling more vulnerable at the moment re the kids issue. I have a cat, and I treat her like a child ( in a healthy way I don't dress her up or anything :-) and I know if anything happened to her I would feel physically sick.
But you need to accept you're grieving and give yourself time to adjust. As for he feelings re the child issue, I just work it through in my mind, start to feel better - then I think of at least 5 things I want to do that usually pop into my mind when I have spare time - and off I go, it's forgotten.

What does your hubby think ? does he feel the same ? If it's so bad you can't think of anything else, start looking into maybe having kids - hey it's one life, and just because we are on this forum doesn't mean you can't change your mind !!
Life is never simple, so you're older who cares do what you want in life.
You'll probably come back to the same decision, but work it through, don't just look at it from a mortality point of view but the whole package.
be true to yourself in all things then you won't regret anything.
hugs x

Phyllis - when I/we made the decsion we had good reasons. The reasons are the same. I will look into some programs where I can spend more time with others. My mom always said to surround myself with caring people and I will never be alone. I believe she is right, which is why I work so hard to maintain the relationships I do have. Bifumus - You said "I am hopeful that if I end up alone, I will have the financial resources to live in a nice retirement community where there are activities and nice people". That's my plan too!

[quote=Gaynor8002]I feel for you Bert, if you believe yourself to be needy, but you know there are lots of people the same, and as we've said on this forum many times, the trick is to find like minded people and enjoy their company knowing you all have the same hopes and dreams, or just a good old natter to 'put the world right.' If you feel isolated there are many solutions - you just need to go look, and as others have said if you take time to help others they will help you back.[/quote] Hi Gaynor8002, Thank You for getting back with me... I had to find God... and I did. God is my comfort - Alpha / Omega, him, her, it... it started out with bi-polar depression when I was 16yrs. old. in 1977. All these many years later, the synchronicity of Life Itself <God=Life> got me to this set of people who know and understand.. [url=http://bipolarorwakingup.ning.com/]Bi-Polar or Waking Up ning[/url] I'm not promoting the site it's just has helped me very much to realize that there are other people who have gone through similar things.. I joined here, because I do think about children now and then but I'm 49 and I like quiet time with Connie.. I have grown step-children and step-grandchildren.. I chose to be there for my elderly parents and I'm happy to share thoughts and feelings with those courageous women who choose not to have children... very difficult in the kind of culture we have. Sincerely, Burt B.

One reason these feelings may come up about the time nature makes the decision final is that it's one thing to make a decision yourself, it's another for the decision to be taken out of your hands and now be made by biology for you. That takes some adjusting to. When these feelings come up I go spend time with nieces and nephews and get reminded that the kid thing is just not for me.

My mom had me at 39.. If you really want a child, I have known women who gave birth at 55 healthy children -- depends a lot on when your mom went through menopause. Just my 2 cents... I think we live in a time when biology doesn't have to be that restrictive.

Jillster: Its normal to feel that way. Every human on Earth is conditioned since the time of birth to accept that they WILL procreate:it is a part of our culture, plain and simple. Regret is in fact the one reason I seriously contemplated having children. I knew in my heart I didnt want them, but I was scared that in some future date I would regret it. This is no way to live your life. A billion hypotheticals can come up during the course of our lives and we are inevitibley going to regret SOMETHING we did or did not do. I dont think there is any escaping that. Everyone would probably change something about thier life if they could do it all over. No one is perfect. The fact remains that you had good solid reasons for not having children and those reasons probably still apply. I guess what I wanted to tell you is, its OK to feel that way, and it will probably come up again from time to time. Knowing that, move forward and make your life the way YOU want it. Like all the other great posters pointed out, you will never be lonely if you spend the time to develop deep relationships with other people. If you like young people, you can develop relationships with them too through countless organizations.(The Scouts, Big Brothers, YMCA etc) In fact I think young folks prefer the company of an adult with similar interests than thier own potenitally different/often uncool parents. (it depends of course) You also need to be happy with YOU. I cherish my alone time very much and I hope you do too. Alone does not equal pathetic and unlovable you know. Find those things in life which truly fullfill you, and fill your days with those things. This sounds cheesy, but you are the master of your destiny. lol.....Good luck to you!