BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids A Heavy Thought

I've been very absent in this forum recently, but I've taken some time to think about some things. I've been visiting my cousins house more, I thought maybe being around him and his family I'd affirm something. All I found was an affirmation of my choice to be child free.

When I say that, I came to realize something while watching my cousin and his "family". My cousin has always had just about everything, the newest everything, as soon as it was on the shelves. He's always had a pretty good life, his mother and father were both professionals so they had money to spare on him (Their only child). Which is fine, but he grew up rather spoiled and as a child, and even now, I envy him.

Even with a small child and a wife, he can afford things I only desperately wish I could afford. The 3DS came out not long ago, the game is $250, and he was able to afford one when I was just staring through the glass at it longingly. A friend of mine, who has a son as well, was able to take a trip from Michigan to Alabama to see her family on her tax return. Mine had to go to bills, bills, bills. I began to wonder, how is it, these people who've chosen to bring a new life into the world, not only burdening the world, but themselves are able to afford to do the things I can only lay in bed and daydream of?

That's not even the worst of it, another friend, who has a son, had been fired from her last job due to misconduct. Two days after she had 2 jobs lined up and ready to hire her. I've been unemployed for a year and I can't seem to get anything at all. It may just be coincidence, but I'm starting to realize the weight of my decision. If this is how it's going to be through my life...have I made the best choice for me?

Wouldn't it be easier just to have a child, so that when people ask they'll look upon me with favor? Why is it that CF people are shoved to the side and ignored?

Though, recently my Uncle (my cousin's father) asked "Don't you want one of those?" as he pointed to my cousin's baby. He continued on, "So your mother can play with it like that?" as my mother happily played with her great nephew. I answered, "NO! Never!", my uncle didn't press the issue thankfully. Yet I felt like he really wanted to ask "why?" but just didn't wanna pressure me to answer.

I was happy about that, but, at the same time I began to realize how invasive people were being. At least when asking about why I don't have kids, if I want any, and such the like. Suddenly I felt like my privacy was being invaded, and to be honest it makes me defensive when people pry. A close friend of mine even told me I was to some degrees selfish. She probably didn't mean it in a bad way...but I felt like her opinion of me wasn't as high as I hoped. That in some ways, despite not having any biological children herself, she thought of me as less than an adult that I was "childish"

Recently my mother has been talking more and more about grandchildren. I know she doesn't mean to push me into anything I don't want, and I often tell her "I can't compromise my happiness for yours" and she understands. Just...wish she didn't have to make me feel so guilty about making a decision that doesn't please everyone. I began to think...maybe I am selfish, maybe I should just have a kid and get it over with.

But the rebel inside me screams at me for being a conformist and weak minded to be influenced by others into something that isn't for me. My step dad even told me I was a non-conformist because I didn't wanna follow the pack. I guess I am a bit, but I just don't feel like children are best for me.

It was then I realized something, maybe...maybe some people have children because they feel like they've reached the top. They don't like that feeling of...complacency. Like their life has flat lined, and they're on top of the world. Like my cousin for example, he has a good job, a loving wife, everything he could ever want in life. Then he suddenly wanted a child, was he bored with having everything? I'm not saying that logic could go for everyone, just...feels like when people reach a certain point of happiness, they need something...anything to give them a reason to live.

I wonder why people feel uncomfortable when their lives are going too well? I wouldn't mind a life like that, a comfortable life, where I could sit down, enjoy a book on the back porch and contemplate. I know it's obvious how envious I am, but...I wish sometimes that being CF wasn't so difficult.

Does anyone else ever get tired of it all? The questions, the stereotypes, the name calling, the invasion of our privacy. I do, I really get tired of it all sometimes, and sometimes I have no will to fight it anymore. I guess maybe I'm just feeling tired, really tired right now. Thank you for letting me rant...I needed it.

Jen that was really well written, and I think it sums up the thoughts that everyone has at some point in their lives.
So the first thing to remember is that you're not alone and what you're feeling is normal.

the big thing that came across was, that you're looking at everyone else's life and comparing it to yours, and that is never good.
the reason ? there will ALWAYS be someone whose life you think is better than yours.
And let's face it, the money issue is THE biggest comparison to make. - and the one to make us all envious.

I have a friend from college who became a journalist, then married a rich guy, and now has two beautiful daughters, and lives in a nice house, goes to Florida every christmas, -I could go on, but it's making me depressed :-)...

The big thing to counter that, is to know there are always other people that envy YOUR life - even if you can't possibly imagine it - there are millions of people unhappy with their lives, that would readily take yours in a heartbeat.

As for the 'children comments' it sounds to me like you spend too much time with family members who think kids are the be all and end all.

with all of these comments your confidence is being eroded, and you need to act now before they really bring you down.
As we've said before, some people can't wait to have kids, and when they do, it fulfills all their dreams.
( while to others it is their idea of a nightmare -) no path is wrong, it's just choosing the right one for you, and being happy with it. And let's face it, the rest is just day to day life, that is a constant challenge to stay happy.

You need to reasess - would you leave your home town to find better paid work ? would you go back to college to change career, or evening/ internet classes to learn a new skill that will be fulfilling, and improve your earning power ?

we only have one life Jen, so try not to let others get you down, and trust in your worth - wether it's with kids or not, or rich or not.

Ok, I'm with you, money really is great to have. As one rich guy said, ' money doesn't make you happy but it sure does help.'

Just don't rob a bank....

Glad this forum is here so we can all have a rant at times.
And I bet you felt better....

Geez ,that was heavy. I have to tell you, I'm virtually certain that the number of people who can't afford things is much greater among those with children! I think what you're seeing are couples where the woman married a man who makes enough money for them to stay home and raise a child. They don't have the money because they have kids! My husband, while we were dating was in his third year of a computer engineering program. He decided ,before completing his degree, that he didn't enjoy the computer and would rather be fixing things. With my blessing he dropped out and went to trade school. He know fixes things for a living! MY POINT IS: had I wanted kids I'd have flipped out when he told me that he wanted to drop out. With what my
husband makes at present, I'm able to work part time and he takes care of the
necessities. If I had wanted kids and he was on this path....it would be awful. I'd have
to work fullmtime which is not even available to me in my work ( teaching dance) so
I'd have to work in a job I didnt like in any way, only to come home to a childs' demands and no mellow/ romantic/ free time.... then start over. I'd kill myself or be on
anti- depressants. it seems you're feeling unsatisfied with certain things in your life and therefore extra sensitive, I understand. If you're unhappy with your financial state, can you Downsize? If you aren't
going to work maybe have one car so you and your husband /partner can travel more,
or rent instead of own and/do more things together get a part- time job or go back to school! I was going to suggest staying with family to save up, but be careful which members you choose!

As for peoples comments, seriously, who cares! Do you live for yourself or for them?
Do you want to go through a life experience that you don't want just to fit in? Also, that $250 for the game you couldn't afford....it would cost that much per month at least to care for this child that you don't want. I were in your situation, I'd re-evaluate my life
and the things I need to adjust to bring me greater happiness.


Oh, and I think that you'd do yourself a great service by not reacting to your families questions so strongly. Next time they ask " don't you want one....?" say something
positive like, im content sharing (baby cousins name here) with the family, But not to worry, you/ the family would be the first to know if I did want one." Say this EVERYTIME a family member rudely probes you in this way. After years of hearing it,
they'll get the hint and back off. Sometimes people can't see past their own life choices and we have to baby them and talk to them they're children just to make it easier on ourselves. Be true to YOURSELF. Anyone who doesn't have to live your life doesn't have a say! I wish you the best.

Thank you for all the kind replies, it helped me feel less insecure definitely.

Though, misstalia, I don't have a partner, nor do I want one. Somehow I've never had an interest in marriage or dating, it's never been my scene. I have thought of marriage, but that kind of commitment somehow didn't seem very appealing. Dating, and Long Term relationships seemed more pratical in that if we ever decided to split, it wouldn't be a hassle.

I have been out of work for about a year now and I'm getting to the point where I feel like my disadvantages are stacked against me. No children, not married, fat, nerdy and a lesbian. I know that has nothing to do with job capabilities, but where I live it's such a small tight knit country community that I feel like it's hard for me to worm my way into it.

I actually live with my parents currently, which is all well and good, but I feel like a leech because I'm not bringing in my own money. I am self learning Japanese, as Asian culture has always had a strong influence in my life, starting with my Korean Aunt. I'd like to learn Korean, and Chinese some day too, but as far as good colleges go, community college is out of the question. As our CC has very little to offer in the way of classes (it's mostly nursing classes, very little of anything else). Going elsewhere for school would require on-campus housing and I don't own a car (or a license for that matter).

So there are things that have me pretty down and maybe that's the bunt of it. Which I understand clearly, but sometimes thoughts pile up sky high and I feel like I need to let them loose somewhere. When it's related to child-free problems, I'm happy I can post here and feel safe.

Thank you all once again.

I see. Don't discount technical school, jenb. You'll feel better when you feel useful. Also, there's nothing wrong with living with your parents. I'm Italian so that's normal to me. It seems like the employment situation has got you down, understandably. I hope you find something soon or find class to take. Often unemployed people can get grants, etc. Meanwhile, It's great that you're learning a new language.


You said you were overweight. This s a great time to start walking. It's so good for body and mind! Also, you mentioned that you're a lesbian. I didn't realize that some child free in the homosexual community had the issues of family pressuring them to have kids. Eye opening for sure!

I was struck by your comment - ' no children, not married, fat nerdy and a lesbian '
You say these things as though they are all negatives.
the question therefore arises;

do you wish you had children / would you be happier
do you wish you were married / etc etc

Don't you find you are struggling against societies 'norms' and therefore feel you're ' not normal '

but the truth is no one is 'normal' and there are plenty of women married with kids who are unhappy with their lot.

the only one I would say might make you happier is losing weight - if only for health reasons, and as misstalia says, it does lift the spirits after exercise - especially if you can see results in your body shape.

so reevaluate, and appreciate being all those things you believe are negatives.
Not having a job is certainly debilitating, but you need to push hard to find something - even if you don't like it - it's a start, and always easier to find something else you really want.

Good luck with it all.

Why don't you go to Korea or China and teach English. I taught English in Taiwan a few years ago and it was the best experience of my life. You are young(I'm assuming) and single with no responsibilities and you have the world in your hands, take advantage of it.

Not only can you have a job and make money but you will have the opportunity to learn Korean or Chinese.

I went through this site to work in Taiwan. You should seriously look into it now is the best time for you. Footprints http://www.footprintsrecruiting.com/

Let me start with this; I did find a job! Part-time but a job none-the-less.

I have to add this, all the encouragement to lose weight hit pretty hard because I'm very content with my body size. I was strictly speaking from someone else's point of view, most view us bigger people as unable to work long shifts. I've worked 12-13 hour shifts 7 days a week and never slacked in my work, worked 2 1/2 years without missing a day. So, my weight has never EVER been an issue that hinders my ability to work.

Though here on this site we talk about how society expects us to fit into their "norms". Well that same feeling can be applied to us bigger people, we're expected to lose weight to fit a society norm. So we can feel "part of the pack", and while I understand there are health reasons why someone might need to lose weight. At my last physical, I was quite healthy, no high blood sugar, cholesterol was fine, beyond my weight the doctor said I was in peak physical health.

Though beyond that, I'm not saying being fat or nerdy is bad, but most have expressed their INTENSE dislike for those qualities. Frankly, it upsets me that people judge me based on that alone, but it's nothing I can help. I don't fit into most peoples description for "normal" and quite frankly that's fine by me.

I've had friends even tell me "you're weird" and it bothers me, but I'm not going to change just because people are narrow minded. If someone likes me, they'll like me for who I am, and not what they want to mold me to be.

I'm happy as I am, I don't have any issues with myself (except I could be less...domineering...that could be corrected. I think I smother my friends a bit with it. I'll work on that in time) beyond that I have no real issues...it's everyone else with the issues it seems. This could be because I live in such a small community that people just aren't use to people being "different"

I'm so use to people rejecting who I am, because it's beyond their comfort zone. It's become second nature and I wish it didn't have to be that way, sometimes I catch myself wishing I wasn't me. Then I get angry with myself for thinking such things and letting people influence me into thinking that way. So it's not like I don't ever get down on myself, but, I wouldn't be happy with myself if I attempted to be anyone else but me.

As for the grants, I did consider it, but my credit is quite terrible...I didn't know if I'd be approved.

I'd love to go abroad and teach English but...is that really okay? I mean I'd love to hear more frankly. I'll check out the site, thank you again everyone!

Jenny B, you said all these things in a very negative tone, it sounded like you feel burdened by being the way you are and you wish you were different. That is, I think the reason why Misstalia gave you tips to lose weight. you cannot change being a lesbian or not wanting children, but you can influence your weight or your laboral life. Nobody here says you should not accept yourself. It is great that you like the way you are, everybody in this forum would like that. But your tone was not the tone of a happy with herself person. Sorry if we misinterpreted that and don't take a well meant post so in such a negative light.