BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence My Great Shame

In the days leading up to my leaving my husband, we had been arguing for 5 days straight. One of those nights, we were having a pretty heated argument. My oldest was in bed but my youngest (two and a half mo. old) and I had been sleeping on the couch. I was holding him, feeding him when my husband started in on me again. He was particularly drunk and angry. It had been 8 mo. since he had put his hands on me. He started to threaten to punch me. My great shame, I knew he wouldn't hit our son so I refused to put him down. I hid behind him and when my husband tried to take him from me and put him down, I wouldn't let go. My husband wouldn't yank him from me so I kept him. Then he threatened to hit me with our son in my arms. I still would not put him down. I am ashamed of this. I should have protected him from any possible threats but I still kept him in the situation, afraid for my life. He had been threatening to kill me and I was afraid if he started hitting me, he wouldn't stop. No excuse, I know. I should have called the cops, should have left (although I had nowhere to go and didn't have the courage to leap into the unknown yet. Two days later, I made the leap.

Nikkirae, This story brought tears to my eyes. I am going to say somthing here that im sure most people will not agree with. I remeber being told once a child before it is born choses their parents. Maybe this little soul was sent to you to protect you. I know this burndens you the decision you made but remember fear can make you do crazy things if you had put that child down you may have lost your life. Then what you be stuck in pergatory in fear of your childs life even more so because you would not have been there to protect him. Life is give and take we all make decions for a child that may not always be the best. But you leaving showed your son that you are strong and you did what it took to protect the both of you and you would never let him down or put him in harms way again.This im sure ment more to your child then you being a victim to a man. You are out and he is unharmed be greatful for this and let that burden go. xoxoxox

The first thing that came to me was something similar actually.

Often it's children that can be our teachers, wise beyond their years but they still need our shelter.

Everything happens for a reason to show us something.

I'm so glad you've taken the next step. To feel dependent on something that's hurtful to you or your child, has little competition comparitively to what else there is out there.

The Earth and the stars managed quite well prior to these people entering a person's life, and will continue to hold their own. Everytime I look up I'm reminded how it is that they show precisely where we came from and how to do what they do.

It's just atmosphere.

I am definitely crying over here. Every since I hit submit on this post, it had me feeling vulnerable.If noone had responded tonight when I logged in, I was going to take it down. I'm glad I didn't. I am not proud of what I did but your words help me to forgive myself a little. Reading your response has taken a weight off my shoulders that I can't thank you enough for. The idea that my children chose me and were sent to protect me makes me smile inside. Not only did this happen with my youngest, but two days later, the day I left, my oldest I believe saved my life. Hearing him scream and look at me in terror as I struggled against my husband, I'll never forget it. I forced myself to calm down, looked him in the eyes and promised him he would never go through that again. I have so far kept my word. I left that day and pray my husband will never find us. Who knows... if he hadn't looked at me that way or if my youngest hadn't been in my arms the previous day, I may not have left when I did and I may be dead. THank you for helping me see it that way, it has been weighing heavy on my heart. I like it, just atmoshpere :)

Nikkirae, im happy our words can help. We are all very blessed to have found this safe haven for words. I think we all carry some burden in life. Just know your not alone and we all handle things differently but nothing in this world is worth carring on your shoulder to the point it handicaps your life. Your a good mother remind yourself that everyday and as you are blessed to have your little gaurdian angles they are also blessed to have a protector like you. Mother bear will give her life only if she knows it will prevent the loss of her child. You my dear are a mother bear you will carry their burden till they are strong and can fend for themseves. Stay strong. you have support