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#704842 07/31/11 09:52 AM
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Need advice on what to do, my wife doesn't seem to be nterested in sex anymore or as much as i am. Anyime i bring it up or try new things (love letters, email, or sexting) it just seems to upset her more. What do I do? SHe told just leave me alone, it will happen when it happens.

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ken9254 #704977 08/01/11 12:29 PM
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Ken, there could be many reasons why your wife does not want sex. Stress, fatigue, self-esteem issues, feelings towards a partner has changed, discomfort during sex, etc. could all be a possibility......or maybe none of this is a factor in your wife's case.

I would take her to a neutral place....a nice park or a beach where you two can have some time and space alone. Talk with her and ask her why she is no longer interested in sex, and let her know how important it is for you to have an intimate relationship with her, your loving wife.

You did not say how long you have been married or if you have children. Sometimes routine can be a real drag and you have to work to change things up a little bit to make things exciting again (sounds like you have tried some of this already). You may have to make it a priority to set aside some time for just the two of you to be intimate. Maybe start with just some cuddling and touching with no expectation of sex and see how she feels about taking it to another level.

If there are some deep seated issues with your wife in regards to sex then perhaps some counseling would help. Start with couples therapy, and then maybe she would benefit from a few sessions on her own.

The bottom line is that you won't know where to start to reconnect with her until you can sit with your wife and find out what the real issues are.



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Sometimes setting time aside just to talk, watch a favorite movie together, or go to a special restaurant can help connect to earlier feelings of intimacy.

I am celebrating more than 30 years of married intimacy together. If we get too busy to spend time together, all areas of our lives suffer.


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I heard Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, and the guys on The Doctors TV show all say basically the same thing in one week:

Guys, if you think you might want to get laid tomorrow, foreplay starts today!



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Sandy, I LOVE that quote!!

This is something that even after over 20 years together, my husband still cannot understand!

He'll come home from work, complain about how awful his day was, how inept his employees are, how the kitchen is a mess, there wasn't a clean hand towel in the bathroom and the kids are too loud. He'll radiate an angry energy, mope in the garage, then come in at bedtime... "so... are we gonna do it?"

In your dreams, buddy!


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Ken, sometimes when you're getting love letters, sexting messages, even flowers, it can feel like pressure. Nobody wants to feel pressured by their partner.
I would try the romance without expectation. Spend time with her and appreciate each other.

ShalasBeads #705139 08/02/11 01:45 PM
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Thank YOU, Deanna. I think Dr. Phil went so far as to compare men with jackrabbits - they can get off to a quick start in the blink of an eye. Women, he said, are more like finely tuned engines that need routine maintenance and plenty of time to warm up properly. I think they all had in mind just exactly the scenario you described. Doesn't do a thing for me, either.

Ken, do you and the missus enjoy a cocktail or glass of wine? Why not set aside about 20 minutes each day, once both of you are home from work, to share a glass of wine, cold brew, or a cocktail? Do this at home so there's no drama to develop trying to get out of the house. Limit this time to just the two of you - no kids, no in-laws, no neighbors, no war stories from work, no complaints, no phones, no texts, no TV, no music, nothing, nada, zip. Just relax time for the two of you. Talk quietly and calmly and, as Shala said, without expectation, pressure, controversy, or judgement. The alcohol will relax you, the together time will be short and sweet, and it will give you both a time of transition together from the outside world to home time.

Make a peaceful space for just the two of you to look forward to each day to reconnect and rediscover the person you both fell in love with. Romance requires attention and anticipation, but it takes a little finesse, too.

And it wouldn't hurt a thing if you helped her with dinner and the dishes and other household chores. You live there, too, dontcha? Household chores don't make us feel pretty or sexually alluring. You married a woman, not a work horse. Take some of the ugly routine out of her day and a red-hot vamp may show up under your covers! Sometimes women are just too danged tired to do anything but sleep once we finally drag our weary asses to bed! Quite often it's sheer exhaustion that makes us say 'in your dreams, buddy!'




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ken9254 #705234 08/02/11 09:33 PM
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I agree with the advice the posters are giving here.

Pressure, never works and by that, pressure can mean, guilt, sulking, hinting, sighs even defeated looks around the house. And just when you think you may have all of that under control, there's the "expectations" like a kiss or embrace that turns into something. When someone's not in the mood, they're really looking for room just to breath in and out and that's often due to being exhausted or just depressed with the way things are or worries about the future.

If you don't already, I'd look around the house and see if something your wife normally keeps up on is getting out of hand, laundry, dishes, making dinners, taking the kids off the wife's hands, if you have them.

If everything's normal, try doing something so she doesn't have to, even if it's ordering out for chinese or pizza. I don't know if you do these things already or not, but if you do, try not to look for anything in return.

Whatever someone is going through, usually they just need time to get past it. Once they're able to do that, they're usually able to begin feeling attracted again to something they're beginning to realize they miss.

You can always help that along by throwing in a little bit of mystery, like a change of schedule or finding hobbies outside of the house.

Try not to make one of those hobbies other women though wink Long-term marriage is A LOT of give and take and it isn't always even when you're doing either.

Best of luck!

Last edited by Elleise - Clairvoyance; 08/02/11 09:34 PM.

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Hello, thank you for posting. And I apologize for not being here sooner but I was having computer issues.

It's very hard to diagnose a woman's sudden lack of interest in sex because it can be rooted in many causes. I actually wrote an ebook about it but haven't marketed it or uploaded it yet. But to be quick and brief, you need to reflect a little:

1. Is this a sudden change?
2. How is her general health? Physical and emotional health?
3. What is going on in her professional or personal life? Family problems?
4. Is she overwhelmed or exhausted? Sleep problems?
5. Do you both communicate well or could she be harboring some unresolved feelings about or toward you? Anger, resentment, worry, disappointment, frustration, boredom?
6. Does she have body image issues? Has her weight gone up or down?
7. Consider other areas of your marriage. Is sex the only problem area?

My first step would be to ensure her physical and emotional health. A woman will not feel sexual if she is unwell. Fatigue or depression are huge libido killers.

Second, check your intimacy connection. If sex is the only time you give her attention, she'll feel used.

Third, the other women are right about sharing her load and taking her away. I for one cannot go from "mommy mode" to lover very quickly. I need a mind break whether from movies, music, a night out or just some time alone with each other that isn't sexual. Remind me that I'm special to you and not because you want sex.

With that said, many husbands and wives have discovered other reasons for the change in sex habits. Some of them shake up the marriage. Sometimes, a bad childhood memories of abuse will surface at odd times in life. Same-sex attraction issues. But don't worry. The three most common include 1. Changing hormone levels 2. Fatigue and depression and 3. Unresolved feelings towards the spouse.

Don't push the sex. The sex is only the surface symptom. Talk with her to be sure she's happy and satisfied with other areas of her life. A man can compartmentalize his life and have sex no matter what is going on. Sex can be an outlet for stress. But a woman can't separate all the areas of her life. If she is upset in one area, she won't feel sexual at all.

Tell us more and we can try to help more.

Being a caring mate is a turn-on, by the way. smile



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This is a great post. It's never a good idea to pressure things up or a marriage. Because it's lifetime decision. I would like to share a quote about marriage here: "All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage; The future states of both are left to faith." [url=http://www.quoteocean.com]Quote Ocean - Famous Quotations and Inspirational Quotes[/url]

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