BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Not sure I want kids, my husband does

Yikes Kuriko! The CF lifestyle is so much in the minority that I think we need every bit of reassurance we can get. So she's on the fence. That's when (if you're intelligent about making this huge decision) you need the most input, from CF and Moms alike. The name of the forum is "Married, No Kids," not "Childfree and Loving it."

Great distinction VirgoGirl. Just because some of us are childree and loving it now doesn't mean we have to always be that way!

Hi, just checking in. It has been awhile. When I asked for stories of things working out I didn't necessarily mean it was easy or that working out meant having children. I just meant tell me your story and how you worked it out and what helped you. Not every story is going to help in the same way but the more you hear, you can take parts from each one and they may ring true or trigger some thought that will help. It is a very confusing position to be in. I respect all of the childfree people and the people with kids. There is a 3rd even smaller group which is us in the middle trying to figure out what to do and we appreciate hearing from you. Thanks for all of your input and encouragement. As an update I have been seeing a therapist. I can't say that it is helping alot. We keep going around in circles. Sometimes I think I want to , sometimes I don't. I keep hoping something will click either way. I think the thing i still fear the most is the actual pregnancy.

Hi UpsetConfused, It's been a while since your last post but I've only just come across this thread. I wonder whether you have made a decision yet or not. I especially wanted to comment on your question of only having two choices: married with a kid, or not married. Unoftunately this is how "my story" turned out. Sorry, it's not a happy one with kids at the end. My husband really wanted them, I was undecided for while then realised that I REALLY didn't want them! And yes, unfortunately it did break up my marriage. Even though my husband agreed to wait to see if I would change my mind, I didn't think I would and didn't see it as fair on him to wait for something and waste the best years of his life for something that most likely wasn't going to happen. But now I'm with a wonderful man who already has two kids and is happy with my choice, so it is a happy ending in a way. I would seriously counsel you against "just doing it" and jumping into it out of being pressured by family and society... It could end badly for you, for your husband and the child. Another thing to ponder that no-one has raised so far, is are you prepared for EVERYTHING that may come with having a child? As in, not necessarily being lucky enough to have a healthy one. That was one of my biggest fears - to have to care for a sick or disabled child. Do you think you would be able to cope? Not all conditions can be screened for in utero. And the older you get, the higher the chance of something going wrong. Even a learning disability can place a HUGE burden on the parents; what about deafness, blindness, mental retardation, mobility problems, Down's syndrome, a heart condition, cancer? I know I sound pretty negative but this is something you HAVE to consider and you HAVE to be sure you can cope! Otherwise what are your choices (if it's not discovered in time to abort the foetus)? Put them in an institution? Sacrifice your whole life and sanity? Ah and in regards to only having two choices... There are really three, the way I see it. (1) You can have a baby and stay (happily) married, (2) you can not have a baby and separate from hubby, (3) you can have a baby and separate from hubby. Have you considered the last one? That if you go against your instincts, it may destroy your marriage after all? Like the person who wrote about her dream that hubby left her with three young kids. It happens. ALL the time. Especially when one party comes to resent the other for pressuring them into a stressful situation that will last for at least 18 years. Sorry again to be negative. But I think you have to face reality and all its possible negative consequences. I think it's much better to regret not having kids than to regret having them. Wish you all the best.

"That if you go against your instincts, it may destroy your marriage after all?" And maybe the baby might not destroy the marriage, but it'll be no guarantee that the marriage will last. Having a baby won't necessarily keep the man. I often think about that... If hubby wanted one and I didn't, but gave in to the pressure, and had to sacrifice greatly because of it, and years later hubby broke up with me anyway? Sheesh, that would suck. I often hear of friends of mine doing things they detest (even sexually), just to keep their men. I can't help but wonder, what if their man leaves anyway? They'll be left with that "after I went through all that trouble..." feeling. Gives me the chills.

Marriages are, sadly, more likely to fail if there are children.

I love all of you guys. The combined wisdom on this forum is incredible. Just thought I'd throw that in. There's so much to think about when you contemplate children. The last few comments just solidified my choice (not to have kids) even more!

Thank you so much for setting up this forum, it's really helpful and it's a great chance to say things I can't say to others. My husband said he didn't want kids but is showing signs of changing his mind, or rather facing up to the fact that he does want kids at heart. It's difficult for me because I have a disability that will get much worse with pregnancy and childbirth, potentially permanently. I'm not afraid of the pain - pain I have plenty of anyway. I'm afraid of not being able to walk for months after having a baby. I'm afraid of not being able to pick up my child, or never being able to run about with it. I'm afraid that the physical toll a child would take would finish my already weakened capacity to work. And as I'm 38 the chances of having a child with an additional disability (as well as my heritable one) are getting ever higher. But on the other hand I have always said that, while I don't actively want children, I would never stand in my partner's way if he did. Now it's coming close to crunch time I'm not so sure, especially as the price may be high. If we do have a child and I find it very difficult, will I resent him? If we don't have one, will he resent me? I don't know which is worse.

Would adoption be an option? Have you and your husband thought of fostering children? This is something that can make a couple say, "Wooo, I KNOW that I don't want any of these!" Conversely, it can make you know that the child doesn't have to be of your body and blood for you to love them.

If you think that the physical part of having a child would permanently damage you, perhaps your physician could speak to your husband. NOBODY should feel pressured to do something that can cause them permanent harm to satisfy somebody else's need.