BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence For the sake of the kids

Nikkirae, I quoted this part of your message because I think it is an important message for anyone in an abusive relationship, especially if children are involved. It is very thoughtful and wise of you to share your story.

My second marriage was heading into an abusive situation. The first time my husband started in on me was in front of my two children and a little girl, my little daughter's friend, who was spending the night with us.

The girls went hysterical and started crying. My son tried to help me and was threatened by my husband. -- so my son (only 12) took the girls to their bedroom and locked the door, After I managed to get off the floor and to the phone, I called the little girl's parents. They came over immediately and stood there while I called the police. After my husband was arrested, the parents stayed and told me that situation could very well escalate and I should leave my husband before he started on my kids also. I did just that.

Thank you for sharing your story and for helping me to share mine.

Thank you also for sharing your story. I can imagine the pride you must feel for your son as he stood by your side and protected his siblings. Children are so much wiser than many give them credit for. I know you and your children spoke about it afterwards, from what you post here you are very intuitive. How did they respond and what are some of the points you wanted them to hear?

Surprisingly for me at the time, my son was sad for me because I would now (back then) be alone and not have a husband. He also did see the urgency of us getting out of the situation. I eventually realized that my kids were happier living with me on a tight budget than living with their stepfather in fear.

Some of the greatest memories of childhood that my kids have are when we were poor and struggling (after the divorce) and some of the meals I came up with that were inexpensive -- like hamburger gravy and biscuits.

I believe that what I wanted my children to know and remember is that their safety and my sanity was more important than living with luxury, a swimming pool, and no worries about money. They also learned as time went by that I could have lost my life if I had stayed in the ill-fated marriage. To have me alive and poor but still able to feed, clothe and love them was better than the alternative.

By talking about it over the years, we all were able to put it behind us and go forward. My children turned out to be loving parents and successful in their careers. They are kind and nurturing adults.

Surprisingly for me at the time, my son was sad for me because I would now (back then) be alone and not have a husband. He also did see the urgency of us getting out of the situation. I eventually realized that my kids were happier living with me on a tight budget than living with their stepfather in fear.

Some of the greatest memories of childhood that my kids have are when we were poor and struggling (after the divorce) and some of the meals I came up with that were inexpensive -- like hamburger gravy and biscuits.

I believe that what I wanted my children to know and remember is that their safety and my sanity was more important than living with luxury, a swimming pool, and no worries about money. They also learned as time went by that I could have lost my life if I had stayed in the ill-fated marriage. To have me alive and poor but still able to feed, clothe and love them was better than the alternative.

By talking about it over the years, we all were able to put it behind us and go forward. My children turned out to be loving parents and successful in their careers. They are kind and nurturing adults.

Thank you for sharing, it is wonderful to hear how things work out. I hope that my children's story is as positive. My mom stayed and it affected me for life. After turning 18, I moved to 14 different places in nearly as many towns in 7 yrs trying to find a place I loved and wanted to stay. My mom gave me an insight as to why I couldn't settle down. She told me that I had no concept of home, of what a home is supposed to be. I always had to flee my "home" as a child, to be safe- the very thing home is supposed to be. I turned to alcohol and drugs as a pre-teen and suffered major depression and suicidal tendencies as a teen and young adult. In my mid-twenties, I read the book by Melody Beatie "The language of letting go" and it changed my life. But the heartache and turmoil it took to get to that point. My boys were 18 mos. and 2 mos. when I left my husband. THe last time I saw my husband, he had me forced to my knees, trying to force me to perform an intimate act. At first I started to fight him but I looked over at my 18 mo. old staring me in the eyes screaming. I held his eyes and just braced myself so I didn't have to do as my husband wanted. I promised him that that would be the last time he would ever go though that again. Shortly after as I was in the kitchen trying to figure out how to get out of the house with my children with out my husband killing me, he came after me with a knife. He told me he was going to f* me up and I fell to the ground in a fetal position thinking that was going to be the end. My husband was on top of me with the knife for what seemed an eternity while my son and I screamed with terror. Eventually he got off me and the adrenaline was pumping so hard, I was unsure if I was stabbed or not. I survived unscathed... that time. There will not be a next I pray. I left my husband that day 7 mos. ago. I had nothing and no where to go. THe police dropped me off at the precint, I had no idea where I would end up at 5 pm when the station would close. Things worked out and I am in a good place. I have more strength than I ever imagined I had. I did it for the sake of my kids and my promise. Your story gives me hope Phyllis. As my kids get older, I pray they grow to be successful in life and love as yours and will look back in fondness at our free family outtings to the park instead of receiving lavish gifts and clothes. Please keep the stories and insights coming.

My parents were abusive towards each other. My dad was an alcoholic, my mom was an alcoholic and a drug addict. My mom was very abusive to me and let people do things to me. I always felt like she hated me. She always told me and my brother that she stayed with my dad because of us kids. That always made me feel like I was the cause for the fighting and the drinking. To top it all off, my dad was 16 and my mom was 17 when they got pregnant with me. So I always felt that if I had never been born, none of that would have happened. i even asked my mom why she even bothered having me because at times I felt like everyone's life would have been much better had she not had me.

We always had a horrible relationship. I would go for long periods of not talking to her, then I would feel guilty and try again. When I was in the process of getting away from my abuser, I asked her to help me. I just needed her to watch my kids for not even an hour so when the cops showed up to escort him out of the apartment the kids wouldn't witness it. I knew he would fly into a fit of rage. Her excuse...she overslept. Or in other words she was to high and/or drunk to be bothered.

She is gone now. She died in September of 2008. You can probably guess why...her liver gave up, she was malnourished, and had enough alcohol, vicadin and cocaine in her body to kill 7 people. I stopped talking to her about 3 years prior to that. When she was on her death bed in hospice, my little brother begged me to go see her, go make amends with her. I did, reluctantly. I spend about 2 hours with her. She knew I was there, she held my hand, and the only thing she said to me was " Nette, I'm sorry". I don't think I have ever accepted her apology. She died 4 days later.

After experiencing domestic violence while growing up and being abused myself before I was an adult, I felt stupid for being in the situation I was with my abuser. Of all people, me in an abusive relationship. And I stayed for 4 years!! My son who is now 11 but was 4 when we left, still remembers some things about his dad abusing us. He even remembers the brief period we stayed in a homeless shelter because we were safer in downtown then in our own home. I really really hope and pray that he never finds himself in a situation like mine.

Nikkirae,

You strike me as a leader of some type. I can't quite put my finger on it. But someone who may do something with their experience.

This really is a place for real. It's almost an untapped resource, if you you will. It's untarnished, I guess is the word, but I know it doesn't do it justice, really. Open Souls?? That's what I love so much about this community. It wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for one person, a channel. I guess that's another story

Abuse, it becomes almost redefined depending upon who's looking through it.

If you're dispensing it, you feel in your own reality, you're justified. If you're recieving it, you stay, even if you know going in what you're in for.

A lot of it does have to do with things you've grown up with but not always. Sometimes you just want to help and see nothing more importatn than giving someone else a better shot, than what they grew up with.

Staying for the kids...well, I'm a big fan of not so much! Why, because basically 24/7 you're giving your kids a "Lifeline" of an education. Something that will take them a good part of a century to undo.

Jeanette, it is stories such as yours that I hope will inspire others who are on the fence about leaving because they think the best home for their children has both a mother and a father. Anyone can became a victim of abuse and I think that percieved notion that we should know better only makes us stay in the situation longer. Denial, diminishing, doubting the severity. Not only did I experience it first hand as a child, I went on to get a Bachelor's in Social Work, double major psychology and I volunteered for a year at a domestic violence shelter. I was never going to let a man put his hands on me; I was too strong and independent for that. Then he lured me in, made me laugh and feel beautiful. I was snared and I could dismiss what he was doing to me easily enough until I could no longer brush it aside. By then I felt I was in too deep. I would regret the past 7 years but I can't. My children were meant to be, just as you and I were meant to be. The greatest challenge I had leaving my husband and what I still struggle with is the guilt for taking my boys away from their father. Guilt for the pain my husband must be in and the guilt of not allowing my children to have a father who loves them. My husband started threatening to kill me when I was 4 mos. pregnant with my first. The threats got worse and more frequent as time went by. I knew when I left, I would have to go into hiding far away from him. If he ever finds me, I have no doubt he will kill me. I know I left for the kids and without me, my kids' future would be challenging at best. It still doesn't erase the image of my husband cradling his boys in his arms smiling down at them. That's the difficulty in leaving. For many, I am sure it is not all bad, there is love. Elleise, thank you for the kind words, I am definitely grateful for this avenue to talk to others. Abuser, victim, survivor, children of abuse - all our perceptions are different. My husband refuses to even admit he had a knife to me and I recorded the attack on my phone. He had threatened to kill me so many times and I was determined to leave. I wanted proof of his threats but i got more than I bargained for.

I so admire and feel a kinship to those who have suffered abuse, survived, and are able to help others because of their own experience. Jeanette and Nikkirae, my heart and my salute go out to you.

Elleise, I so agree with you -- this is a great community to reach out to , find help, and help others. From one person, one good soul, it grew to so many possibilities that touch the lives of many.