BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce non existant daddy

I divorced the father of my 2 boys in 2008. Since then he has seen them about 5 times with my supervision. He's an addict and cannot get his life together. It does not seem to phase him that he doesn't see his children. He has never paid child support and shows no sign he ever will. I for one could care less if he ever tries to be a parent because he isn't stable. My kids must miss him though. We do not discuss their father at all. They never ask for him and only once in a while do they mention him in passing. I recently sent him a certified letter asking him if he wanted to give away his parental rights. I've gotten no response from him yet. I'm confused about what he is thinking. Despite his drug history and his inability to be a grown up he used to be a loving father. He has my contacts. He knows where I work and live but makes no attempt to do better. Does anyone else have a similar situation? I know I'm not alone. I feel like I'm doing the best for my children by eliminating him completely but I also need to talk to them about it and don't know how. Any pointers?

My first ex, did not have those issues, but he did not see his son, nor pay child support for 12 years. Though the money would have helped, I felt it best to move on without him and I did.

Some people just are not fit to be parents. The best that you can do is show your children you love them. That you will be there for them and they have your support. I think you need to let him go, it almost sounds like you want to hold on (even if you think you are doing it for the kids sake).

When they are ready to hear about their father, they will ask. Until then just keep on being the great mom you are. They will see it and love and respect you for it.

Try not to let your negative emotions consume you and be fair and respectful in negotiations with your ex.

If you aren't ready, don't worry about it. But go to counseling and start working through it. You don't want to live 50 years bitter and angry like grandma did, it was heart breaking!

I find that it's more energy to stay mad, less energy to get on with my life and do what I can for my kids and make their life enjoyable. Trust me, it took me a minute to get there, but really, he's missing out. We're having a blast!!!

Sunshine,

I know this is from quite a bit ago, but have there been any improvements?

Like many of the other experienced posters here, it really is one of those things where the anger of what a partner or ex-partner doesn't or won't do, can double fold, meaning, there's the pain in less expectations, but holding onto it is like regurgitating the affair. It just keeps spinning and spinning when what from a kids point of view is, is usually confusion of the emotions of it all.

So it's kind of like, letting go of resentment and knowing you can't make someone do something they're not into, makes an open to be there for the kids.

That way it's not so bad for them and they have you to look back on as hold of strength and possibilities for their own future and their children to come .

Hi There Just wanted to reply as a person who didnt have her dad around when I was younger. I was adopted by my mums nan and I have to say that it really didnt bother me until around the age I had my own children. I remember them being put in my arms and me thinking " I would do anything for these children" and then wondering why my own father and mother did what they did. I still have contact with my mother but my father has denied i am even his. So in that respect I think you have plenty of time to broach this subject with them when they are older. I also believe that its better to have no father than one who is constantly in and out of their lives showing them no consistency. What you are doing is showing them stability which is what children need. Dont punish yourself over this. Its the father that will be punished when he is older and those children realise what he did. You will in no way be to blame if your ex has all your details and you have never stopped him from contacting those children. If anything give yourself a pat on the back.