BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Got sucked into my sister's pregnancy...

Just an update:

So, I'll be visiting my sister for an overnight stay mid week while her husband is gone. I'll be able to clean up for her and scoop the kitty litter since she can't do that. She should be okay until her gets back 3 days later.

Also, I've gotten a few replies back after sending out my resume for some positions, and will be scheduling interviews during the next 3 weeks. My sister knows this, and apparently has been lamenting to my mom that she's upset I may not be around to help her with the baby, and I could have waited longer to start applying for jobs.

... Hypothetically, anyone know how much jail time one would receive for slapping a full-term pregnant woman in face?

Hi Dolyn,
As someone whose just gotten a new job due to a work contract expiring - congratulations! Now, on to your sister:

She sounds the perfect self-focused pregnant nightmare. I have a sister in law just like this: it's all about her at all times unless it's about her precious offspring. Take my advice and distance yourself after this next visit. DON'T do the post-birth visit, let your mom do that (if she can't, oh well) or even the Dad's mom. If you come to help with baby, it will give Dad the excuse he needs to not get involved. It really won't help anyone at all and will set a bad precident for everyone. It will likely cause much whining from your sister but since she truly expected you to drop your life (and your job search) to help her with hers, it seems to me nothing you do will be enough. You may as well set boundaries now and stick to them. Otherwise, all involved (and some who aren't) will expect you to be her adjunct mother's helper, on call at all times.

BEST OF LUCK! Keep us posted...

**Update**

So, my sister had her baby, a little boy, last week. My mom stayed with her until yesterday, and I came up yesterday as well to take her place (kind of a changing of the guard). Sadly, none of my job prospects worked out, and I couldn't find a good excuse not to come.

Well, I must say, less than 24 hours in, and I've never wanted to be anywhere else so badly in my life than right now (and this includes my old undergrad Organic Chemistry class). I'm pretty much avoiding touching the kid, because he's little, fragile looking, and frankly, I really just don't want to. I figured it might not be so bad because my sister knew that I wouldn't be dealing directly with the kid, just helping around the house, running errands, etc. I was wrong. There is no escaping the sound of this kid crying in her tiny 2 bedroom apartment, and he likes to cry. So, between his crying in the middle of the night and my sister yelling at her husband to get up and help (which he doesn't, and she ends up doing it anyway), there was almost no sleep to be had last night.

I'm tired and annoyed. There is honestly no reason I should have to be here. There is nothing I'm doing that her husband can't, he simply won't. I feel like some awkward live-in maid, only I'm not getting paid and I have to sleep in the livingroom. And, to make matters worse, my mom called at 8:00 a.m. and woke me up during a brief moment of silence (my sister took the kid to his first doctor's check-up), to yell at me for not "actually" helping with the baby. I reminded her that I had clearly stated that I wouldn't be dealing with the baby directly. She said she thought I would come around when I saw how cute he was. I said, "yeah, bye" and hung up on her. I'm sure that's going to go over well later. Arg. Please, someone send a rescue party.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant. Sorry if it's a bit incoherent. I'm working on like 2 hours sleep.

-D.

Perhaps your sister and her husband need some alone time to sort out and adjust to this new family dynamic.

Here is what she needs: adequate groceries to prepare meals simply, a clean litter box, clean laundry, garbage taken out, disposable dishes and silverware, a handful of new movies to watch while she's held captive by demanding baby, a couple paperback novels, lots of clean bottles so she doesn't run out of bottles in the middle of the day, and get that swing put together.

She's emotional because of the hormonal ride she is on, and because her husband isn't being kind to her. Perhaps you could load her and baby into car and take her for an ice cream to give her a break from her apartment.

When that list in paragraph one is taken care of, she should be ok on her own for a few days, unless she had surgery and is recuperating from that.

It's wonderful that your husband is kind and supportive. I'm sure you miss him, and maybe you could go home and see him for a couple days, stopping back to reload her fridge and scoop the litter. You don't need permission from your mom or sister to go home. You don't have to justify it or have an acceptable excuse.

"I talked to my husband today, and I have to go home for a couple days to take care of some things. I'll stop back on Saturday afternoon."

Let their minds invent reasons for your leaving, but you do not have to tell them every little thing you consider when making a decision.

Her husband may appreciate having his home to himself again, and not wish to step around family all the time. As long as someone else does his job, he doesn't have to... but he also doesn't "get" to do it. Every young couple has adjustments to work through - every new husband and wife have issues they fight out and work out. If he doesn't beat her and his faults are that he's insensitive and lazy - it can work its way out... through fighting and talking and crying and not through moving all the females of the family in to do his job for him - or to make things worse by him feeling like a loser in front of everyone. Good or bad - he's her husband and that's who she chose. It is no one's job to fulfill the items on her marital wishlist that her husband doesn't provide.... it's simply time to grow up.

It was great to hear your update, Dolyn I had a good chuckle ( not at your expense I hasten to add ! )
That was a good post Amy, and I agree, put your foot down Dolyn - gently but firm, let them get on with it.
Her husband has to learn his new role, and you need to stay sane. they've taken advantage enough. give her a hug and go home.
keep us updated though !

Just a quick update. I only ended up staying at my sister's for 5 days. I ended up catching a cold (probably got it from the hospital), and everyone thought it was a good idea that I go home and not get the baby sick. I'm telling you, I've never been so happy to be sick in my life. It's been a few weeks, and so far she seems to be doing okay. I call her every day just to chat. She feels really isolated and bored stuck at home. But, she knows that it what she signed up for.

-D.

Actually -on a related note- I have a good friend who lives back in PA (which is where I moved from to escape the child-baby-mania in my church among other things) who is currently having all kinds of issues. I have done so much for her because she and I have been friends since my senior year in high school and she's pretty much the only one I've remained close to. I would go places with her to hang out, mainly just to get her away from her family. Her mother is a verbally abusive woman who, despite what she may say, will not let my friend leave her home and get a life of her own. She even says that she'll help her out, but as I'm watching the situation from more of an outsider's point of view, all I can see is her mom holding her back. This woman tells her that because she's still living at home she has to help pay the bills, which I would understand if her mother wasn't forcing her to stay there to extort money from my friend that she doesn't even put toward the bills anyway. These "bills", as it turns out are really just a cover her mom uses to go out and buy cigarettes and other things that she as an adult should be doing for herself. So, in order to help my friend out, I got her a part-time job at the place where I was working. I told her I'd help her got money together so that she could move out when she was ready. However, the more money her family knew she had, the more they'd take from her. She's someone who's easily tricked and is a really honest, kind person. She does what she does because she wants to help and gets taken advantage of. After moving to the west coast, my friend and I still talk pretty often. I offered her a solution, which was to move in with my fiancee and myself until she got on her feet. He had already agreed to this as well, knowing that it would be a temporary fix and that after six months we could upgrade to a larger space if we so wish. I've also offered numerous times to help pay her way out here, but no matter what I do, I can't get her to budge. I think it's cause she's too afraid to lose her family for good, but I can't believe she'd rather stay in that situation, no matter the cost of leaving. Would anyone happen to know if there's any possible solution to this?