BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids feeling like I don't belong

Hi everyone,

I am just so depressed right now. I feel like such an outcast, like I don't belong. two hours ago, I was laughing and having a good time with a group of my closest friends whom many have become mothers or plan on being mothers someday. I was crushed when it slipped out from one of them that they have made a bet on when I will ultimately have a baby. they seem to think when I am pushing 40 yr old I will come around and have one. people were locking in the year they think it will happen like Im a fantasy football game.

well I am so crushed. I feel like they don't respect me and my choice to be child-free. I truly DO NOT WANT KIDS! I dont like them, I dont want to be around them and I dont want to raise one!

I felt like they were looking at me like I was naive or stupid. like there was something wrong with me. that I am not good enough the way I am. They know my entire husbands family rejected and disowned me because of this, and they go and not only make this bet but then tell me about it! then from the things they said it was like they thought I was going through a phase. I cried all the way home.

I just want to be a hermit. I am tired of people asking me if I have kids, when I'll have kids, and that I will change my mind about not having kids.

Thank you for letting me vent. aside from my husband, I feel like I dont have a friend in the world right now.

Hang in there, Marie. They probably didn't mean to cause you such pain. Like every human, they seem incapable of processing that not everyone wants the things that they want. So of course you'll change your mind (to them) because it is inconceivable that you want different things. We all do this on some level. I know I occasionally marvel at people who are in committed relationships who don't get married because my marriage is so important to me. I think to myself, "if you can legally get married, how could you not want what I have." And then I mentally kick myself for being judgmental and resolve to stop doing it. That being said, the next time you see your friends tell them as calmly as you can that their bet is causing you pain. Give them a chance to apologize and prove themselves good friends. If they belittle you, then you know that they aren't people you want in your life. It does get better. Forty was a turning point for me. Everyone stopped bothering me and it got better. Be well, Kim

Don't let them get to you, Marie, as I truely believe your friends didn't mean to be so insensitive.

They are so wound up in their world of motherhood, or future motherhood, that they neither try, nor want to see where you're coming from.

It must be difficult having so many friends with young kids, and noone to relate to. I agree with Kim, explain to them your feelings, and if they are good friends they will accept you for who you are.

It really is ignorance, and if they are all on the same page re the kids issue, then they will be enjoying being one of the pack, and also enjoy trying to change your opinion. ( what better confirmation for them that their lifestyle choice on having kids is the right path, when all their friends agree and are doing the same.)
It will seem even more strange to them then that you disagree.

For the less secure of your friends it will also throw into question their life choice, as though you are saying ' hey, there's a better world out there that just having kids ' and those people may want to attack that.

I was reading an article on marriage, ( basically saying to expect the love to last for a lifetime these days is outdated, and many live in unhappy partnerships because of financial constraints. quoting also the number of divorces )
afterwards people could comment....one of the comments ;
'
'Marriage for most people is about kids and family. I am sorry, but couples with no family responsability are only really in a psuedo-marriage. let them be in civil partnerships, or whatever they want to call them, but best leave marriage to the grown ups.'

you can imagine some of the replies - a few from people who are unable to have kids - but alot stated the ignorance in the comment.
the trouble is, there are many others who completely agree with these sentiments, and the trick is not to be around them.

I too found it easier once I got past 40 - not that i'm wishing your life away but remember there are many others like you out there, going through the same thing. it's good to talk.
plus, here of course ! always good to vent.
plus, don't cry. it makes your skin puffy

Marie, I'm so sorry your friends treated you in such a condescending manner. I agree with the other replies that they probably didn't realize how hurtful it was. The only way to make it stop though is to politely tell them that this is your decision and they need to respect it. Making bets and jokes is disrespectful. One thing I've learned about "people" in general all over this world is the lack of comprehension that somebody could POSSIBLY want to live their life different from you. People in general just don't get it, and your friends may never get it. But as long as you're happy and they aren't teasing you, who cares? To each his own. I hope your friends start acting more mature and respectful to you. It's definitely tough taking this path, but I wouldn't trade it for a minute! :) Best of luck my dear.

Hi Marie,

My name is Rann, I'm editor of the cancer site, and I have never had children. It was because of cancer at 26 that I couldn't, but I was ragged, bullied, scolded, scorned just like you for years. I also married in my 30's so I got asked when I was getting married for years, too. People can be so insensitive.

But take heart, dear one, you are not alone. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, like you really, truly know what you want, and since your husband supports you, that's very important.

Find something that you really love to do, and pour your life into it, and what people say won't have such an impact. I would suggest you may need to make some new friends that aren't so cruel. That, to me, is not the definition of a true friend.


With love and best wishes,

Turn it around on them. Tell them you are betting on when they will get divorced. See how they like that.

Its a shame your friends were being so condescending, but I'm thinking they didn't mean to hurt your feelings. That being said, I'd have been mad and hurt, as you were. You know, its insulting to not be taken seriously, or to have your beliefs questioned or chalked up to immaturity. I don't know how old you are, but when you're forty and still child free, they'll get the hint..lol. I'd say something. Tell your friends," I felt insulted that my life choices were not being taken seriously, as friends I thought you respected my lifestyle choices whether they differ from yours or not" .... whatever you want to say. You belong, you just have made a different decision in terms of reproduction. You don't n�ed their approval, but you do deserve their respect! What they were doing wasn't respectful. That would be like making fun of someone's choice of husband, or college major, or career, or lack of career....ugh, I m mad for you and now wondering if my friends have any similar jokes! This is why I love that hubby had a vasectomy..on those rare occasions that people ( thankfully not my close family) make comments questioning our reproductive choices, or say things like ,"you and your husband will have a baby I bet" it's nice to appease these close minded fools with, " oh, I guess you'll have to wait and see what happens." and then smile smugly knowing I will not .

Pretty extreme their making a bet. Were they serious? If so, I might question if these women can still be considered your friends. If they disrespect your choices to the point of disparaging them behind your back, you may want to consider new friends, or at least place some boundaries with these current ones. I had a batch of girlfriends who were all lovely women but that all had kids and could not fathom that I would not one day choose to breed. It got to the point where being around them was just not enjoyable for me anyomre. Family can't be changed, we sort of have to put up with their insensitivity, but we don't have to with friends. Sorry, know it sucks. But I encourage you to attempt to find other women who respect you on this issue.