logo
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 192
D
Dolyn Offline OP
Jellyfish
OP Offline
Jellyfish
D
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 192
::sigh:: So, if anyone recalls, my sister is pregnant. She got pregnant 2 months after getting married to a guy she had only been dating for 6 months, and SHOCKER, things aren't going great. Her husband wasn't happy about the pregnancy, and he's pretty much completely useless. I've been trying to be as nice and supportive as I can, mostly by buying her a ton of stuff (as has everyone else, there is literally nothing she doesn't have for the kid). Still, I'm expected to do more.

So, my sister's husband decides he's going to go out of town (fly, which she can't do being 1 month away from her due date) to visit his family for a week, leaving her all alone. She's mad at him, tells him not to, he doesn't care. FANTASTIC, right? My sister, having been alone for 2 days, calls my mom crying, ranting and raving about all her problems: house is a wreck, work is hard, can't clean the kitty litter, she's losing weight, lonely... Mom then calls me and tells me I should go back to visit her and take care of her. She's 2 1/2 hours away from me, and I had already been there the previous weekend for her baby shower. ARG! So, I say I'll go back that weekend, and I did. I cleaned her house, went shopping for her, cooked dinners for her, and spent time with her. I left the day before her husband got back.

Now, he's going to a work conference in 2 weeks and she and my mom are under the impression that I can go stay that week with her. WTF?! Honestly, can I? Yes. I'm currently unemployed (my contract job having finished), and I haven't found another one just yet. Do I want to?! Not really. I mean, man. I do HAVE a life. I have a husband, friends, cats, and a job hunt going on. And, I'm not the one who knocked her up! Why is it MY job to take care of her?! Oh, also, she asked me to come help her out for a couple of weeks after the baby is born because her husband isn't going to take any paternity leave (and, again, in general, is useless).

...AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHY?! HOW DID I GET SUCKED INTO THIS!!!

::wimpers::... Here I thought I was going to get to enjoy some time off while I'm job hunting (I'm lucky enough that my husband is able to support us), and now all I want is a job so I have an excuse not to have to deal with this mess. I see no way out of this. I'm trapped in a bad marriage with a baby, AND THEY AREN'T EVEN MINE!

Last edited by Dolyn; 07/13/11 12:10 AM.
Sponsored Post Advertisement
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 197
G
Jellyfish
Offline
Jellyfish
G
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 197
Hi Dolyn, it's really tough when you have family members that are 'needy.'
Similar to when you have friends, who always seem to be in a mess, when you can see the way forward for them, that would effectively solve their main problems, but they either don't heed advice, or appear to be unable to do it themselves.

Those people that lurch from one crisis to the next, while looking at others to help emotionally or financially to get them through their troubles.

we have friends like that at the moment. we've been helping them out for about the last 6 months - helping them move twice, taking them around in our car - they don't have one now - and are in a rut looking to us, as soon as they get stuck, and seem to be in a spiral of depression at their situation, that for me is easily solvable - but takes hard work and actually putting themselves out a little to get back on an even footing.

What I find irritating, is that they seem to look on us with envious eyes at our lifestyle ( not that we have any money left at the end of the month either ! )
As though everything we have comes easy, and has been handed to us on a platter - which it certainly hasn't.

Our solution has been to pull back - not completely, but not offer so much unconditionally.

BUT. and it's a big but, you're talking about family here. A sister. You can't just say ' sorry, that's it, I'm not putting myself out for you anymore.'

It's a really hard situation, because, maybe she realizes her hubby isn't all she hoped he would be ? maybe she can see the writing on the wall, and worries about the future ?

Only you know what sort of relationship you have - and it must be a good one for you to even consider what you've already done ( I know my sister wouldn't !! ) but then again i've never put myself in a situation where I need others so much.

On the other hand, we all can't be the same, and if your sister really needs you at the moment, then I'm sure you get some satisfaction from helping her ?

I hope you make her aware how much you're putting yourself out, and offering as much advice as you can.
Because even if it is family, there will come a time when you say no, enough is enough, and she must shoulder the consequences of her actions too. - while hopefully being able to rely on you for real emergencies, without taking you for granted.

keep us up to date with her situation, and how you handle it all. good luck .

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 17,644
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Offline
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 17,644
Hi Dolyn. I can fully understand your situation. She is your sister and a sister bond is important and special in life - however, the bond should not get to the point where it might mess up your life and endanger your marriage.

How does your husband feel about you giving so much time and energy to help your sister? Your sister needs to understand that you cannot endanger your marriage and life style in order to help her with her life. There is a limit to everything.

You did not put your sister in the situation she is in - she chose that situation. I understand that sisters depend on each other and it is good to have a sister like you who will help out when needed. But, it should not be expected that you help out. Your life and marriage is important to you and should be your first priority.

It might be easier for you to just state that you can only give so much of your time per month because of your own priorities - even if one of those priorities is to relax. No one but you and your husband need to know why and when you wish to take some down time for yourself.

Last edited by Phyllis-Folk/Myth; 07/14/11 08:28 AM.

Walk in Peace and Harmony.
Phyllis Doyle Burns
Avatar: Fair Helena by Rackham, Public Domain
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 7
L
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
L
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 7
I agree...you can only give so much before your own life is affected. And it is not your parents place to tell you what to do anymore--you are grown adults. If they think she needs help so bad then they need to go and do it. You have your own life and family to tend to. Tell them you are too busy job hunting :)

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 192
D
Dolyn Offline OP
Jellyfish
OP Offline
Jellyfish
D
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 192
My husband doesn't mind in the least that I go and help my sister. He is very family oriented, and understands. I'm, apparently, the only annoyed one. Yes, I love my sister, I do. But, the whole situation is awkward. I mean, I'm suppose to go stay at her place for 2 weeks after the baby is born and ignore that her husband isn't going to do anything to help? I know SHE won't. My sister is a yeller, and she makes this infamous screeching noise when she yells at you.... ugh, it's terrible. I don't like yelling at all. I don't want to be trapped in the middle of their fighting like I'm in a live episode of Jerry Springer. Plus, throw a screaming, stinky baby in the mix?

::sigh:: It all just feels so WRONG, and every part of my being tells me to avoid it like the plague. But, then EVERY member of my family (including my husband) tells me I need to be a good, supportive sister. They just don't seem to get that there SHOULDN'T be anything to have to support. She's a college educated, financially stable, 30 year old, married woman. She's not a 15 year old pregnant girl whose "baby daddy" has disappeared. Why can't she deal with her own mess? I mean, I'd really like to think that if I were in a similar situation, I'd find a way to make it work without having to thoroughly inconvenience other people. Then again, I'd never be in that situation because I'd never be crazy enough to marry a guy I'd been with for 6 months then go against his wishes and get pregnant right away!

From an objective stand point, I can see how I may be coming off extremely harsh. But, if any of you have ever had someone you love make mistake after mistake, never listening to your advice (and my sister HATES advice), and now wanting you to come in and help contain the mess, you'd probably be as annoyed as me right now too.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 43
Newbie
Offline
Newbie
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 43
I'm with you on this all the way, Dolyn. Don't let anyone bully you into feeling like you need to be on call for your sister in case she doesn't feel like wiping her own (or her baby's) [censored]! She IS a grown woman and should be able to deal with being pregnant! How is she going to cope with the baby?? You can't be ther efor her 24/7. And this isn't making her husband step up to the plate, like he darn well should. If I were you (and I'm not, I'm an only child, so don't really know what this feels like, but...) I would tell her very nicely that I'm too busy with my own life to stay with her while her husband's away. And that maybe I could visit for a few days afte rthe beby is born, to meet the child, etc, but not for 2 weeks! I don't think you ar being harsh - I think you have already helped quite a lot but you have to draw the line somewhere because certain people WILL take advantage of you if you let them. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,025
BellaOnline Editor
Elephant
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Elephant
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,025
I'm kind of with you. Trust your instincts.

It's gravitating the father to be leaves one week into the month of the due date and again has plans to leave 2 weeks later.

That's his issue.

But with you, I almost get the feeling that without your presence...it's like you are the audience or the affirmation -the sounding board. I don't know if any of those words hit a mark.

But it seems the sister yells like a stage, in front of people and the drama, it seems there's a role for the mother there too??? confused


Karen Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
Clairvoyance Site
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 4,808
D
BellaOnline Editor
Elephant
Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Elephant
D
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 4,808
I agree with all of your comments, firegirl.

Dolyn.....do stand up for yourself. If you can't stomach 2 weeks with your sister in this case (which I know I wouldn't be able to in a similar situation) then just go for the amount of time that you can handle, maybe a couple of days, and then go home. If you really don't want to go at all then don't go. Your sister is a grown woman and this is the life she chose for herself.

If your mother is so concerned about your sister can she go spend a little time with her? And another thing, like it or not your sister's husband has to take some responsibility for this child. It is up to him to step up. He helped to create this child, intentionally or not.

Last edited by Cassie67; 07/18/11 01:17 PM.

Debbie Grejdus
Spirituality Site Editor
Spirituality Forum Moderator
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 17,644
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Offline
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 17,644
Dolyn, it is wonderful to have a family (birth family - parents and siblings). Many people in this world do not have that. However, there comes a time when one grows up and starts their own life and cannot be expected to take care of their sibling problems. Your sister will never grow up or learn how to cope with a baby and her marriage if you run over there when called, dropping everything in your own life to babysit your sister.

Sister needs to grow up and take responsibility here. Having a baby is not a terminal disease. The sooner she stands up and faces up to her her situation in life, the better off she will be as a mother, a wife, and a woman of substance.

Empower your sister by refusing to babysit her. Coddle her and she will never find her own power and you may lose yours.


Walk in Peace and Harmony.
Phyllis Doyle Burns
Avatar: Fair Helena by Rackham, Public Domain
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 91
Amoeba
Offline
Amoeba
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 91
I agree that you have done your part and some people will continue to take, take, take, as long as you let them. I think you may want to consider making up some imaginary job intervew requests that conflict with your coming to see her -- though that could be dicey if your husband believes you should go.

I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor (yet). I chuckled repeatedly as you said you wished you had a job, since that would be an excuse to not go. And as you described the endless Jerry Springer episode.

I am wondering though, has your sister ever been like this before? I would be more tolerant and try to give just a bit more if my friend or sister was asking for help and they had never been like this.

I do think in terms of helping out post baby arrival that you should express confidence that she can handle it, even if that means hiring someone to come and give her a hand a few hours a week. I mean women have been managing with and without husbands to raise babies for a pretty long time.

I guess if it was me, I might tough out one more visit before the baby arrives. It can be hard to get stuff done with a gynormous belly and she may (even if she doesn't admit it) be terrified at the idea that she could go into labor and have no family around. But yes, you have to draw the line some place and if you feel you are being taken advantage of, then you probably are.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Brand New Posts
Make It Sew Easier
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor - 03/27/24 04:34 PM
2024 - on this day in the past ...
by Mona - Astronomy - 03/27/24 01:31 PM
Planner Template Kit - Weekly Layout Template
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:39 PM
Planner Template Kit - Yearly Layout Template
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:37 PM
How to Use Digital Planner Template Kit
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:36 PM
Review - 20 Illustrator Color tips Helen Bradley
by Digital Art and Animation - 03/26/24 07:32 PM
March Equinox to June Solstice
by Mona - Astronomy - 03/26/24 12:27 PM
Hobotrader unleashes never seen opportunity with i
by Jamal molla - 03/26/24 11:55 AM
Psalm for the day
by Angie - 03/25/24 09:05 AM
Genealogy, Sort of
by Angie - 03/24/24 05:39 PM
Sponsor
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2022 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5