BellaOnline Forums Family Adolescence parenting questions

I am a foster Mom, and I've never had any children of my own. I am 45 years old and hubby is 44. We are currently fostering 2 children that may come up for adoption within the next 2 years. Right now they are 7 & 3yrs old, but I'm a little scared to adopt, because I will be in my late 50's, early 60's when they graduate from high school, and I just don't know if I want to deal with teenagers at that age. My question to you is how and when do you let go? I see kids on the side of the street riding their bikes, or at the mall with their friends, and at the community center on their skateboards several blocks from home. It would be hard for me not to know where they are all the time. I would think they are up to no good and doing things they shouldn't. How do you get over that? At what age do you start letting them ride around the neighborhood on their bikes by themselves? 8..10..13? Or just walk off with friends, away from the house? I already have a small kid coming over asking if our foster daugher, 7 yrs old, can come out and play. Play where? Do you let her outside without you? He only lives 2 houses down, but it just makes me nervous. So far I keep saying she's busy. I fear I will be over protective when they are older, but I don't know how to not be... My 3 brothers were always getting into trouble when we were kids, drinking & drugs. So it's hard for me to trust teenagers today, because of what my parents went through. (I eloped before I was out of high school, so I know it wasn't just my brothers who were the problem children.) But how do you let go and give your children space and not be worried to death every time? What age do you start giving them space? Please educate me... :-) Thanks, Hope

You sound like you are asking all of the right questions. Unfortunately, I don't believe there are simple answers. The answers will come as you get to know these children better.

I wouldn't let a child do anything that I didn't "trust" them to do. The better you know them the more you will know what they are capable of doing safely. I had three children and had three different sets of rules.

Good luck.

I have a 6-year-old daughter. I don't let her play outside except right in our front yard. I work at a desk next to the front door, and have the front door open so I can literally see her play. I can't imagine letting her play outside of my site or the supervision of an adult or one of her teenage siblings until she's at least 8. If we had a fenced backyard, I'd let her play with a friend there, but we don't. I would let her play at a friend's house, if I knew the parents (not just met them before she went over, but really knew them.)

I had her when I was 33, so I'll be right at 50 when she graduates high school. I think you'll be fine on that front. For what its worth, I had SIX rowdy, naughty brothers and two sisters, both of whom were pregnant teenagers. I was petrified when I got pregnant (I'm the oldest, so they were in the midst of all this when I got pregnant with my oldest daughter.) But here's the thing. Both of my teenagers, while not perfect of course, have grown up responsible, drug-free and healthy.

I think the most important thing is to be aware of your kids. It sounds like you already are. Know where they are and what they're doing. Start talking to them young about things like drugs and alcohol. Be honest and tell them why you want them to avoid these things, not just that they should. One of my brothers is a drug addict and my dad is an alcoholic, and I've always been candid with my kids about their familial tendency toward addiction and why it's super important for them not to get started.

Being a parent is scary. But, the fact that you're asking these questions is a good sign that you're up for the task.

I think you get over being worried they are up to no good by learning to trust them. You don't have the benefit of having had 7 years with your oldest foster child, but by the time she's a teenager, you will have. You'll know you've taught her well.

Do you have someone--a case worker or maybe a friend who is a foster parent you can talk to? Do you belong to any foster parent groups online? I'm sure you aren't the only one with these fears.