BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Feeling so Guilty

That's great, Hope. You will find that having these children are indeed rewarding in a lot of ways, I am sure.

I briefly thought about adoption or fostering a couple of years ago when my husband went into his mid-life crisis and wanted babies. I know I could not handle caring for an infant or toddlers and I was over 40 yrs old, but I thought a little older child might be good, and I wanted to give a child in a situation like the two you have a good, loving home. My husband would not go for it because he claimed he wanted his own babies, but I saw the value in providing a stable and loving environment for a needy child already in the world.

I commend you for your love and sacrifice in giving these two innocent children a family that they deserve. I wish you all the best.

Thanks Cassie. I'm sorry to learn of your divorce or seperation. My husband had originally said the same thing, that he didn't want to foster, he wanted his own kids. But now he's the one that wants to keep fostering, even at times when I just feel like I'm not cut out for it. Thankfully though, he will give it up if I insist on it. Sometimes I miss just having my life with him. I love my husband so VERY much, but to tell you the truth, I'm just not crazy about him as a daddy. It's like he's a whole different person when the kids are around, that just irritates me. And that will be the TRUE reason we stop fostering, if it comes to that. I want to be married to the man I married, not to this other person he becomes when kids are around. It's like he's a kid himself and I want my husband, not some 44 yr old kid. I still have my moments every day where I want to call DSHS and cx the whole thing. I want to offer these kids a good home, but I sometimes just think it's not for me...at least not for the next 15 years. But I'll take it one day at a time, and see how it goes. Knowing that right now it's not permanent, may be whats helping me enjoy the parts I actually enjoy. And only time will tell if we want it to become a true part of our lives permanently. I'm already feeling exahausted. And at times just feel way to old to start this now. (I'm 45) I've at least made it a point to still have time to myself. I've explained and taught the kids that there are times they need to play, on their own, in their rooms, so I can have 'me' time, to do what ever it is that I need to do, even if it's just have a quiet moment to myself. Last night our foster daughter was up all night long vomiting, and of course she did it twice on the carpet. I got absolutely no sleep. She kept getting up out of her bed every 45 minutes. I took her to the Dr. this morning, b/c she couldn't even keep water down. I know she felt bad, and I did give her sympothy & support, but I could still feel myself somewhat irratated by her actions, even though she was sick. It's hard to explain without sounding awful, but it's only something that time will tell, if this is going to work for all of us, and be something that we enjoy doing, naturally every day, without even thinking about it. I'm trying to break out of my mold, that I've created around me through the years of my entire life, and open my eyes to this new way of living, but sometimes it's really hard, but on the other hand, sometimes it's really fullfilling. So I'll just give it time. I think every day it is getting a little easier, but I still have thoughts of throwing in the towel at times. I guess I need to stop coming to this site, since we are no longer CF. But even this site is hard to let go of, because I have said the things that everyone else says on this site, for so long. It's hard to just turn those feelings off. It's like I'm on "Land of the Lost", and I'm looking through the time portal at my former life. lol My compassion tells me to keep doing this, but sometimes my body tells me I'm just to freaking old, and that there are other ways, as suggested by others on this site, to offer help to needy children, and still make a difference in their lives, and get to enjoy our CF life as well. If it doesn't work out, I'll be back and give and update. I'm just going to give it time, and see if my mind & body can adjust to this new way of life. Good luck to you all. Have a great summer. Hope

Hello Hope.....my husband and I were divorced last year. The year prior to the divorce, and now the year after, has been the most difficult time of my life. I lost my soulmate and it really is devestating. I am moving on the best I can, but I think it will take me another year or more to fully get over it, if I ever will. I was honest with my husband about my views on having children for many years, and I never cheated on him. I can't say the same for him in either department.

One of the reasons I would not give in to him and have a baby to save the marriage was because of my age. Not only did I have possible medical risks to myself and a baby to worry about, but I am tired. Granted, I am healthy, but I don't have the energy and stamina I had 10 or 15 years ago. I am almost 44, and the thought of starting the process of raising an infant was just too much for me to mentally handle.

I have since moved on to a new relationship with a nice man whom I live with. My boyfriend has a 9 yr old daughter who stays with us every other weekend. She is sweet, smart, funny, and very well behaved. But by the time Sunday night rolls around and it is time to drive her home, I am tapped out and ready to see her go. I get tired of the endless chatter, kid's tv programs, her tailing me through all of my chores like a shadow, and just the feeling that I have to be responsible for her. I just don't have the energy or patience for it, and it sure is a validation to me that not having children and not fostering a child is certainly the best course for my life.

As far as your husband is concerned, that is unfortunately how a lot of men are. Most of them never grow up, and having kids around gives them the excuse to behave like kids again. I can understand how that would be aggravating to you. Maybe he feels that this is the only way to act around children but from what I have seen, kids mature and develop their intelligence when you speak smartly to them and not act like a baby yourself. I can see a little fooling around during playtime, but acting like a kid all of the time doesn't set a good example of behavior to the children. My suggestion is to have a conversation with your husband about toning the child-like behavior down.

Please don't leave this forum completely. If you have the time I hope you will check in with us now and then. Bella is here for all women and all views. Maybe checking out the "Family" section of the forum may be of some support for you while raising the children. Either way, I hope you will stay in touch.

Cassie, I am so sorry to hear about your divorce. Thank you for being so open with your story. I completly understand about feeling like you have lost your soul mate. I was madly in love with the man I dated, and lived with for 3 years prior to meeting my husband. He did not want children either, and was actually pretty much the one that got me in the frame of mind as well. When we split, I was so hurt, just like you are talking about. I even thought about him for the first couple of years I was married to my current husband. He was very hard to get over. But once I did, I realized that I actually wound up with the best one in the end. :-) What a great experience you get to have with his parital custody of his daughter, and getting to be reassured that you have made the right decision of not having children. That's sort of what I'm learning through foster care. I know exactly what you mean about looking forward to Sunday, when she goes home. I look forward to the children going to school, which has its last day tomorrow, and I'm a little nervous. While they were in school, I had some time to myself. Now I will have them 24/7. I've enrolled the older one in some summer camps, but those are only for a couple of hours a day for a week. I have talked with my husband about toning it down around the kids. I've told him I want to raise quiet children, like I was when I was little. Noise is for outside only. I will have the kids playing quietly around me, while I do other stuff, or while I'm playing with them, and he'll come in and just get them both going nuts, and it's driving me crazy. I know it's a shame, but the reason I may want to give up the kids, is not because of them, but because of the way he is around them. I just don't find it attractive at all. Every time I've talked with him about possibly giving up fostering, he throws the 'selfish' word at me. He will give it up if I insist, but he doesn't hide the fact that he thinks I'm selfish for wanting to give it up, and that really bothers me. I'm afraid that he will meet some woman out there with kids, and start having an affair, because he is not getting that need met by me. I don't know what to do. But I really just don't like who he is around the kids, and I miss my 'childfree' husband and marriage. We are best friends, and I feel like I'm losing that between us. I was already wanting to 'downsize', and get a smaller home, and enjoy weekend trips together more often, and enjoy our 'empty nest' life style. So it's kind of hard to do a complete turn around, at this point, and give up that 'idea' of life. I was already in that mind-set. I am honetly on the fence with this decision. Some things I like about raising these children, and some things I'd rather give it up. I am going to give it more time, but right now I am 30% for kids, and 70% for CF marriage. I guess we'll see what happens. If you want to keep in touch, my email is [email]tinkerbelltx@yahoo.com[/email] Hope to hear from you soon, Hope

Thank you Solalux, I felt that was a slam from cool_friend. She/he has no idea how giving I am in my life. I have rarely ever done anything selfish, as I have lived my life for other people's happiness for many years. I even have my 93 yr old Granmdmother with severe Alzheimer's living with us, and taking care of her 24/7. So Cool_friend...you shouldn't accuse someone of not being able to live a 'selfless' life if you don't know them or their history. By doing so, you are accusing me of being selfish, of which I am NOT. We've been in the foster care system for a while, and we had 9 children, come through our doors. I was just wanting this one to stick, because it's our first 'legally free' foster child, but I've discovered that I just don't think that having a 'permanent' child in my life is for me. My life isn't 'selfish' just because of this ONE decision. I am still a very 'selfless' person and do many other things for other people. just wanted to get that straight. Hope

Goodness, Cassie... Your last post on this topic sounded so much like what happened to me, that I just had to write... It's just so great for me to hear that someone else has experieced stuff like this... Especially your comments regarding your step-daughter. I have a 9-year-old stepson and feel EXACTLY as you describe on the weekends that he is with us. He is just a lovely kid, so well-behaved and nice and I have never really had a problem as such with him, but I do feel that his presence in the house is somewhat of an intrusion. I guess I just like my quiet time too much. And yes, it has made me realise what a good decision it is for me to remain CF, even though it cost me my marriage, too. Hope, I think you are amazing and wish you all the best. And the same to you, Cassie. I just love this forum. What an absolute life-saver and life-affirmer it has been for me and so many others, no doubt. :)

firegirl....I am like you. I like my quiet time too much.

Young children provide too much noise and chaos for me to handle, even when they are well behaved. I am a person who gets very nervous with too much stimuli of any kind. I once read a book about overly-sensitive people, and I do believe that I am one of those people. I like peace and calm, and that makes me feel mentally balanced. Mess with that a little bit and I am miserable. I'm glad I figured this out about myself early on. Having children would have made me crazy.

As for Bella, I am glad I found this site too. You have no idea how much support and comfort I felt last year when my marriage was falling apart over the children issue. I had a place to come to, to vent and to be understood, and to hear from other women with the same views I had. It sure helped keep me from going over the edge. Now I feel connected to all of these wonderful people so I keep checking in.