BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Letter to 'P'

I don't have the strength to go through this night without feeling the flood of memories, the pain of your absence. I had your daughter over for dinner, she is so much like you. Much more so in time and maturity I think. It's 3am and far from the quiet place I know it to be with phantom voices that keep repeating themselves over and over...the ghostly images hanging on painted walls, coffee cups, whatever I stare at and hardly see really. Surprise, surprise, I am making coffee after stressing out the hair roots with my fingertips. I know what you would say, you would say, 'I know what you mean'.

And you would.

My thoughts race to everyone in an instant, almost guilt if I think of one more than the other lost in the past 8 years. Don't know how often I can juggle this sense of, 'Who am I crying for today?' All. But each in their own moment. This is your moment my friend. You helped me through the walking of grave sites, cold and foreign, now home to those I could never in my heart leave behind. I don't understand why I do not feel them there. I just don't. And look at you, no gravestone at all...just ash in a fancy urn. Is it any wonder why it feels so empty around urns and stones? There was too much life, love and connection to be buried or covered by a 'thing'. No, I feel you more in the waking of pain in missing you. Sometimes even in the appreciation of where I am now, a fully cognizant person (of all our experiences) occasionally laughing at some of the crazy things you have said or done. Tonight, your daughter and I shared some stories, laughing and tearing up. We both needed it. It is what we have to give to each other as I try to take her more under my wing, for her and for you. You would do the same, there is no question.

Choked up.

No time limit on grieving. Why should there be, who said there should be in the first place. Not when you love someone, when you still love someone. I will always have that special place in my heart for you, D, M, and my mother. I will always hold all of you close enough to miss you with a longing. Don't worry, I will also honor you with a smile, a laugh, a letter or a poem, a picture framed, a warmth in my soul when I think of you. Some light candles, I just close my eyes.

I am going to end it here, at 4am. A girl has got to get some sleep sometime. And I know what you would say, you would say, 'it's about damn time'. Smile...







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