BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Feeling so Guilty

Why do I feel so guilty?... I've been crying all morning. I had decided long ago not to have children. I am 45 and my husband is 44. We have been married 13 years and decided long ago not to have children. We truly enjoy our life. I've kinda of prided myself for not having kids. Most friends I look at with kids, seem like they are having such a tough time with them, especially when they reach their teen years. I've even had a couple of friends tell me if they could do it again, they wouldn't. (but sometimes I feel they are telling me that b/c they think I (can't) have kids...like they don't want me to feel like I'm missing out on anything, when really I just feel grateful) (I can have kids, but people think I must not be able to, because I don't have any. They don't understand it's all been by choice) But we felt maybe we could offer back a little to society, so we decided to become foster parents to see if we would enjoy raising a child and possibly adopting. We now have this really good little red headed 6 yr old foster girl. We've had her for about a week. She has no parents, and will be up for adoption soon. Our families are going nuts...they are so excited about us adopting this little girl. EXCEPT...that I just don't 'feel' it. And I'm trying really hard to want to be a mother, but it's just not there. I already miss my quiet house, and time with just me & hubby. We went out to eat yesterday, and we both agreed we would have enjoyed it more if we didn't have this little girl with us. So I'm crying because I feel like a horrible, selfish, person. I don't understand why I don't have this maternal instinct inside of me. This little girl needs a loving home...what's wrong with me!? I'm already counting the days till she's out of school June 20th, so that I can call DSHS and have her moved. I don't want her to have to change schools again. We just enrolled her for her final month of 1st grade into a school near us, and I don't want her to have to change again for her final 3 weeks. But I've decided that I just don't like having a child in my every day life. I think I would be better suited to be a "Big Sister" where I can develop a close relationship with a child that needs an important adult roll model in their life that they can confide in, and look to for direction. But I still feel awful because my whole family wants us to adopt this little girl. They are all excited, and (with my husbands family) it makes me feel like they all think I'm selfish and mean for not wanting children. (my husband could go either way, so it really makes me feel like pile of [censored], b/c I just want our lives they way we were...CF.) I can't stop crying, but I just can't wait till she's gone. I can't imagine having to raise her & go through teenage years, drivers licenses, worried about teen sex & getting pregnant, etc. signed...'really depressed b/c I feel so freaking guilty', Hope :(

There is nothing to feel guilty about. Some people have the mommy instinct and they make great parents...some people, while they are great foster parents, aren't really that into being a parent. Only you and your husband can make this decision...not your families. Don't let them guilt you.

A little 6-year-old needs a loving family. You realize that you aren't the one to provide that. It's good that you know. Some don't before they adopt, and then it's very difficult for all concerned.

Don't feel guilty. If your families are so taken with this child, let one of them adopt her. Then, you can be a doting auntie.

This is your life, and you are entitled to live it on your own terms, just as other members of your family make different choices. Do you dictate the terms of their lives? No. Should they dictate the terms of yours? Absolutely not!

It is normal to be afraid of new things in our life. Becoming a parents is really a tough responsibility and if you feel you can't give this to that little girl, you don't any reason to be feel guilty about it. The most important thing is that you are not forcing yourself to do something that you believe is not suited for you. If you feel you will not become a good mother, then your giving that little girl a good favor, to find a life with real good and happy family. You do not need to feel guilty about it. You are just being honest and true to yourself and husband. People around us has nothing to do with it. Motherhood is not an easy job, maybe the reason why you don't have this kind of instinct is b/c you are afraid of what is going to happen in the future, but the truth is it is there but needs to be awaken. However, if you will overcome your fear and ready to face the responsibility, maybe your point of view will be change.

Thank you for your replies. I have prayed and prayed for God to bless me, when it's time, with a maternal instinct. But as hard as I try to feel it, I just don't. So I've come to the conclusion that he has other plans for me. Today hubby and I were playing tennis with this little girl, and while I was standing behind her, I was watching her try to hit balls back to my husband, and I was trying to picture her as a teenager playing tennis with us. It was kind of a neat thought, but to me, the cons still out weigh the pros of having a child in our marriage/lives. We are pretty set in our ways. If I were younger, I don't think I would have had a problem with it at all. But I've already reached the age where home improvements, and weekend trips, are in my thoughts more than school plays and being a soccer Mom. barb2luv4lyf, you are probably right...if I over came the fear of having a teenager someday, my point of view probably would change. But I just think I'm to old to want to take that chance. I enjoy our CF life together...I just feel to old for this.

No need to feel guilty about being who you are. were you a positive person in this child's life? I'd bet you were. Can you continue to be without being her adoptive parent? Sure! Her own mom clearly isn't there!

Thank you everyone for your replies. We have indeed decided to have this girl moved to another placement after school ends on June 20th. It is what's best for her, and us. I'm totally all for helping others and charity work, but I also beleive that we need to be happy as well. And I just don't think I would be very happy for the next 15 years raising this little girl because I personally just have no enjoyment in it. God has blessed me with my own talents, and motherhood obviously isn't one of them. So I need to figure out what they are, and do the best I can do with the talents I was blessed with. cheers, Hope

There is nothing to feel guilty about . Being a mother means being selfless , which you can't . So your decison is perfectly ok .

Despite the rumor, having children is not the ultimate selfless act in life. When I chose to have children it is because I wanted to create a family and it is my responsibility to love, care for and nurture them.

My sister never had children and they are happy. I am a woman who does not like to cook and I am happy even though the traditional roles of womanhood tell me I 'should'. It is more important to get in touch with your full womanhood as it is (which you are doing) than hitting your head against traditional roles that really do not fit every woman. You are complete just as you are.

Hugs

If you are a healthy person you must have some "self", even if you have children. No normal human being is selfless, with a bit of luck, maybe they are just not too selfish. The vast majority of women have children, that is a heck of a lot of selflessness in this world. Women with children are not selfless. They get what they want, as they always say: the joy and fulfillment makes up for the bad things. So they don't have children as a form of martyrdom, they do it because of all the positive things they expect to get back: attention, recognition, someone to love and being loved by, someone to take care of you when you are old, company, fun...

I have a problem when some women do "the most beautiful, fullfilling thing in the world" (for them) and are regarded as generous. Meanwhile the generosity of others (isn't it what this selflessness businesss is all about?) is questioned for not doing something they don't find in the least fulfilling or beautiful.

Sorry about the rant. And sorry if I didn't get the meaning of selfless right. English is not my first language and I didn't check any dictionary.