BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Making the decision vs. living with the decision

Hello all. I'm new to this forum and I've been very comforted to see that there are so many like-minded child free people out there. When my husband and I married we'd already discussed the possibility of having no children. Neither of us were crazy about the idea, but for the sake of fairness and because I knew we could change our minds, I decided to get and IUD and told him that when it was time to remove that (5 years or so) that we would decide then if we felt children were right for us or not. However, lately I've been feeling like this is a decision I don't want to put off anymore. I'm thinking of going back to school and want to make a career change. I'm happy with the life we have now and certainly don't want a kid now. I don't think I ever will really but occasionally I do see a sweet little baby and think maybe... and then I see a parent dragging their kids around the store and think, uh, definitely NOT! My husband and I are both 29 and I won't have a kid past 35 due to the health risks so if i want to start a career and still have time for a kid I'm running pretty short on time. So, I think it's time to send the husband for a snip job and stop worrying about it. He's all for it and I'm 90% sure of the decision. I just worry that when I'm older and my pursuit of the perfect career has lost it's luster that I'll change my mind. I'm perfectly fine with adoption but it's still a huge decision giving up the chance to ever have a child of my own. Do any of you out there struggle with your choice not to have children? Have you considered adoption if you decide to start a family later in life? How do you reconcile the logical decision to not have a baby with the hormone fueled desire to have one?

Hey. I'm your age, and my hubby just got the snip. Here's my story: I work with kids at dance studios and have spent the greater part of the last decade doing so. This gave me a real sneak peek into the lives of parents that most girls are simply not exposed to from a young age. I also read alot of books and did alot of self reflection. I get really excited for people when they have kids, but just as I knew I wouldn't want to wait tables, I knew I didn't want to be a be pregnant, give birth, and raise a child. I like kids, but love going home to a quiet home. In no ways do I consider myself an authority on this matter, but as someone who has been through this I'd advise you, everytime you're in a situation (Reading, grocery shopping, an intimate moment with your husband, traveling, etc.), picture that situation with a child. That's the main point the lifestyle.

I think adoption is wonderful. Also, I believe that hormonally fueled desire is societal pressure in disguise.

Hi, I'm brand new to this topic and forum. I am 38, will be 39 in June and am still trying to make the decision to have kids or not. I was always ok with having them but then I met a wonderful man that I dated (after a horrible engagement) from 2009 until 2 mos ago. I broke up with him (both of us did not want to break up) because I needed to get away and think. So I am out here in the NW for 3 mos with a different job (travel medical job) and love the solitude, no pressure. I have always been career driven and so family and kids have been on the back burner for me. I was even frightened about sex in my early 20s as I didn't want to get pregnant. I just don't know why I am ambivalent about kids in the last 4 mos when in the past , I have never been. If I met a guy who wanted to try, I would but because I feel like I broke up with my husband, I am really having a hard time exploring what I need to explore. He let me go to do this because he is a great guy. He knows I need to make this decision. Funny, because I broke up with him in Oct. of last year too over the same thing but was soo devastated and of course we got back together. So now, its the real deal and I need to make a decision. I never thought that with all my bad luck with relationships, that i would finally meet my knight in shining armor who doesn't want kids. Thoughts? I am struggling and have lost 5 lb over this. I am an avid cyclist, yoga, and hiker and don't have weight to lose. Slowly getting it back but its tough. Thanks,

Yeah, the hardest part for me is that I know I don't want kids now or anytime soon but I also don't want to lose that chance forever. This biological clock thing sucks.

Hi Ladyshoes, I think whatever decision you make, there will always be backward glances as to 'should you have done something else ?' but that's life, you must make the decisions you feel are the best for you at a particular time.
you'll know it's the right decision if you feel happy and comfortable with it, and I think if you or hubby feel any doubt about the snip, don't do it, and choose another birth control. - when it does feel 100% right then do it. plus the snip is reversable, although the longer it's left, the less chance it works.

I never considered adopting, because the whole process of raising a child just doesn't interest me - if it had, I would have had one of my own, but I could always think of too many reasons why not. ( however I think adoption is wonderful for people who want it, as there are so many kids desperate for a loving home )
Of course the few reasons why it would have been nice to have a child will always make me a little sad I didn't go down that road, but I believe wholeheartedly that had I done so, I would have wished I hadn't. As many have said here, I too have friends that say you should be 100% desperate to have a child, and if you're not, don't.

Hi Mint. I too couldn't enjoy sex as much in my early twenties, as I was consumed with fear I would get pregnant.
the funny thing was, I never thought it was because I didn't really want them - that's been a long process over the years - as society had me hoodwinked that's really what I should be desperate for, and I thought, well, when I marry that's when I'll conform to that particular stereotype.
You must ask yourself why you haven't had kids yet. was it really financial ? or not a stable environment ?
or just that you wanted to do something different with your life, and the kids thing doesn't really interest you.

As I've said society makes us believe everyone should have kids, as this will make your life complete, happy, and hey, throw in being looked after when you're old.
Just look around, that's not working. So therefore you have to choose what makes YOU happy. - and don't be hard on yourself. life isn't going to be perfect, whatever route you take, so just make sure it's the one that feels best for you.

If it was me, I would also examine why I've split from my hubby twice. Even though you say he's wonderful, does that mean he's right for you ?

Plus, on a separate note, we always feel like we're going to live forever, but you need to make yourself happy and content now. the future will take care of itself.

I was talking to our friends who have kids, yesterday,and they were bemoaning the fact they have alot of debt, and how difficult it was just to pay the bills.
I said you have to put it into perspective, and not get too depressed about it, as the bottom line is we could be killed by the 99 bus tomorrow. my friend said, yes, let's look on the bright side - we were in kinks of laughter by this time - but I think it's easy to take life too seriously sometimes, that's why it's good to talk about stuff - either online, or with mates, and it always makes you realize there are others worse off.
Plus, Mint, it sounds like you have a full happy social life, with plenty of hobbys to fill you time.
You are very lucky, as I often see mothers who use their kids as just something to do, as they have no imagination to fill it otherwise.
Good luck, and let us know how you get on.

Ladyshoes, thank you for sharing that you still feel your clock ticking. I was starting to think I was loosing my mind when it started loudly ticking and making me doubt my CF decision. Granted, being surrounded by families and friends that are expecting doesn't help I don't think. I'm also 29 and have the same concern ... I don't want to have children, but the thought of not having the option, or that I will regret this decision later freaks me out. misstalia, thanks for pointing out the "imagine anything you do with kids" thing. That's huge!! Gaynor008, you are full of so much wisdom and insight into this lifestyle. Thank you for sharing. It is so comforting to know there are others out there with the feelings and questions running around in their heads.