BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Step parent to a 16 year old girl

How do I tackle a 16 year old who has had her dad all to herself for 3 years? I messed up the first visit/meet. Took my daughter shopping and she wanted to come to. So she went. We came back she wanted to stay with my daughter at her friends house so they did. So I took my son and stayed with him and his boys. The shopping trip was fine. So I figured golden.... well the next day when he picked her up from my daughters friends house she screamed and yelled at him for letting me stay the night. They fought all day over this. Ruining the entire weekend. My kids and I weren't allowed to go back over while they were there. She was so angry and threw such a fit that we couldn't go back. All the plans we made for our first meet for me and his kids went out the window. She also told him that because I called in sick to take my daughter prom dress shopping shows that I am a liar... and how does he know if he loves me.. what makes him think he loves me? And if I lie to my work what other things will I lie about? Long story short she already hates me. They are coming back in April. I was so hurt this past weekend. I finally decided that it isn't me. And it doesn't matter what I do she is going to not like me. I guess my question is what do I do when they come back in April and he lets her decide if WE (my kids and I) are coming over.... I feel like he is letting her call the shots. And that is a mistake. If we let her decide things like this then we are doomed. I may as well just take the high road. My kids are totally accepting of him. As I have them all the time they love him. His are 5 hours away so it has been hard to meet up with them. I fear that because he gets so limited time with them it is going to really be hard for us to have the future we are planning when she is so angry. Any suggestions on how to handle the April visit besides me not going out of my way to do anything nice....

I see you have no replies - which I know feels really rotten so I will try and give some advice but I am not the perfect stepmother. I am having serious problems myself at the moment so I don't really feel as though I can give advice. But I will say that the only thing that saves my relationship is that my husband is 99.9% on my side and backs me up. In the beginning, he let his son call the shots and that felt really wrong. He also had his father to himself for a long time and didn't like me intruding. He still doesn't. To give yourself the best chance, just be as nice and friendly as you can without trying too hard, because she will see how badly you want her to like you, and she will know she has the power. Unfortunately stepkids have the power to make your relationship pretty difficult indefinitely so you have to be rock solid.

I wish there were a way to regenerate posts to the right. It's so difficult to find them, if you're not online, right when someone posts something.

I feel your pain though and step-parenting is difficult to say the least. You're basically up against territorial pitt-bulls defending their turf.

I agree with the previous poster, you've got to be solid in yourself and your own kids, independant of what this person does or doesn't do. By that, I mean the man.

Boundaries are something someone has to feel in order implement them. Otherwise, they're just going through the motions and are pretty much subject to being swayed at any given time. If you're important enough, he will chose to be with you and bridge a family between you and them. If he's going to cater to a pre-adult, it's my opinion, but I'd set my own boundaries and if he wants to catch up he will.

i definitely feel your pain! i'm living the same nightmare, but for the last 8 years!!! my husbands "princess" was an overindulged brat when i met her, and nothing has changed as a teenager. if she doesn't get what she wants from him, she runs to her grandparents and they grant her every wish! my husbands first wife turned out to be a drug addict ( cocaine, crack, etc) so when he returned home to live with his parents, everything was " ohhh poor samantha, she's had such a hard life!,,,,lets make up for all her pain!" and this was with material things and food! shes now 17 years old and 250 pounds ) He and i marry, and they move into our new house, ( which according to his parents HAS to be in the same town),,,,and his father immediately dictates which bedroom she is to sleep in, which puts he and i in the room that had been the dining room. ( why my husband didn't stand up to him is still a mystery!).....turns out his father was very abusive psysically when dan was a child, so hes probably still afraid of him ) my husband works long hours so it was left to me to do the parenting. if i made a decision she didn't like, his daughter would run to "grammy" and complain! grammy would tell her " you don't have to listen to cathy,,,just wait till dad comes home. if i punished her, her gandparents would call and say " wait until monday to punish her, let her come and see us for the weekend " bullshit!!!! now, years later, i have been told "by this now teenage " i hate your f*****G guts, i wish you were dead.....i hope you die,,," she also has not flushed a BM down the toilet in 8 years and sporadically wipes the contents of her nose on the bathroom wall. i cannot stand to be in the same room as her, and am anxiously awaiting her 18th birthday when she can leave and go live with her grammy! i think my husband is more interested in maintaining a relationship with her than actually DOING something,,,so when she leaves a mess, he dutifully goes and flushes for her! i have complained to him, and cried to him, and screamed at him about her, and i just get the silent treatment. he probably STILL feels the guilt of the divorce, but for gods sake it's been 15 years already! if my daughter EVER behaved like that she wouldn't sit for a week! he HAS his faults, but basically hes a good man and i do love him......i just can't stomach her behaviour! am i crazy or mascochistic?

Hello Cathperk,

I would say masochistic. And to be that a lottle bit crazy.

And P. S. Grammy won't have her, you can bank a million dollars on that.

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Does anyone know if Jordsmom has been back to visit Bellaonline? Is there a way of contacting her?

Cheers