BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting New step mom of 2 young kids

Hello all! I am so glad I found this forum. I need some support!! I have been dating a divorced guy now for about 2 years. He has 2 young children, a 2 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. He and I moved in together about 6 months ago, which is when I met the children. The bio mom is not a problem, and the kids and I have a good relationship. I know I am lucky to have that!! Problem is, I'm a very independent person. Everything I like to do requires concentration, quiet and space. I knew going into it that it would be a big change having the children around,but I didn't realize how intense it would be. They come over part time, Sundays and Thursdays, sometimes staying for the weekend or longer. I know this is different than having them in the home all the time, but I am still having trouble. I lived on my own before this, and so am used to doing things on my own time, and having 'me' time which is VERY important for me. I am one of those people that is complacent with spending most of my time alone (I am still social at times though!) I am having a lot of trouble with the children. Some days I don't mind them, but other days they drive me nuts. They are at the age where they run around and scream all day, and demand attention all the time. It is hard for me to take when I am trying to get something done that is important to me and they are following me, grabbing me, screaming, and I just can't think or get the things done that I need to do. Not only that but they make a mess and break my things. I have lost half my weekend, which was my time to get things done and relax. I really love my boyfriend, he is everything I have wanted in a partner. I have thought about having my own child before, but have always gone back and forth. After spending time with his kids, I realize that I don't want children of my own. I am very career oriented, education oriented, and passionate about many things that I like to spend my time researching and getting involved with. I often feel very tense when the children are around. I also get upset because my boyfriend works long hours and I rarely get to spend quality time with him. Meanwhile, he will take days off to spend with the kids. Basically, any time he has off he has the kids. Which I understand, and I would never ask him to give up time with his kids for me. I just wish he would make time for me as well. I have told him all this, in addition to asking for more help around the house. I usually end up cleaning up after the kids, as well as after him. This can be very frustrating. Im assuming my frustration and feelings are somewhat normal. I guess 6 months isn't really all that much time, and I wasn't with the kids when they were young, so I was thrown into their lives at a difficult age. Talk about change!! I know that I need to consider whether this is worth it to me. I also think about the future, and I've always wanted to move out of state to get more experience in the world, but I know that if this happens, it won't be for a long while until the children are grown and have their own lives. My bf and I live together, and I cannot afford the apartment on my own. Maybe we shouldn't have moved in together? I want to take space when the kids are here, like planning things to do outside of the home. But I don't want to seem neglectful. Is it wrong of me to want to be away from them? Not all the time, but I definitely need my space. I feel like it is invaded when the kids are over. I didn't know it would be this intense, and I often feel overwhelmed. What have others done in this situation? I know I need to decide whether this is worth it to me, but I'd hate to lose my bf. I have so many other things on my mind that dedicating my time and efforts solely to the children is difficult even for a short time. Plus, I miss what I had with my bf when we were first together. Help!!!

Dear Polydactylkat,
Perhaps your b/f is not really EVERYTHING you wanted in a partner. Your partner has young children and they are, rightly so, important in his life. He may have all he can handle keeping his commitment to them. Do you think he saw your relationship as live-in help with the kids? Did you discuss your roles before moving in with him? Is he keeping up his end of the bargain? Hope that conversation comes really soon for all concerned. Best wishes.

I went throught the same experience 12years ago when I met my partner. The kids were 2 (boy) and the girl 9 years. I'm 36yrs old and decided to remain childfree 'cause I enjoy my independence, love to keep things in order and love my peace. I have been able to survie the 12years in the relationship because of their father's support and love. He has never imposed those kids on me. E.g he loves golf and when he has the kids for the weekend he would take them to their paternal grandmother for babysitting even when I had nothing to do. I have been free to do what I wanted to do with my time even when the kids were around . It's entirely upto you to set boundaries and not to do anything you don't want to do. This can lead to resentment especcialy once the kids grow up and not appreciate the sacrificies you would have made in your relationship.

You should have a seriopus conversation with your boyfriend,,,,and think about some resolutions! But I want to say that you will definitely have a family in the furture, what will you plan to do if you and your husband have a child? Maybe sometimes we should learn how to change, not everything, just in order to live happily with your family.

Well I thought about this long and hard, considered the options. I came to the conclusion that I don't think this relationship is right for me. I wish I had known this sooner, but I didn't realize all this until we were together in the same household. I spoke with him several times, and told him I think we need to split. Not because of the kids, specifically, but because of some of the things that come with them. Also I felt I wasn't ready to be so "planted",meaning I need to be able to be spontaneous, and like I said I may want to travel a lot, move across the US, and just explore life and the world more before I settle down. I thought I wanted to settle now, but I don't think I'm ready. I feel very selfish for feeling this way, but I was honest with him and he was understanding.