BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What do you do with your time?

Hi All, I'm feeling pressure lately to do something "big" in my life since I don't have kids. I'm not sure where this pressure comes from...maybe it's all in my head. Or more likely, it's from the lull in the convo when my friends with kids ask me what I've been up to after telling me for 20 mins their kid stories. I can sum up in just a few mins what I've been up to. I'm not a career-driven person. I have a job I mostly enjoy but it's not like I'm a 'climb that ladder of success' kind of person. My dad was a workaholic and I saw what that can do to someone--and the family. I don't work so hard that I bring it home with me and I like it that way. I do a few things as a volunteer--meals on wheals, planting trees, etc. I have a long-term bf and we do travel, but not much. Money's tight for him these days. I like my quiet times relaxing - sometimes I feel so fortunate I have that when I hear about people with kids. But sometimes, like today, it makes me feel lazy and unmotivated and like I better DO something with all my time. I'm lucky to have it and I don't want to waste it by watching TV all day. Does anyone else feel like you sometimes need/want to prove yourself more since you don't have kids?

I use to feel this way and sometimes, still do. I thought I was the only one who felt bored and was a nobody because my 'social calendar' was not filled every week. It was this way also when I was single. I am a newlywed as of December 09' and my husband works 70+ hrs. a week. I am responsible for my own happiness and I decided to do some research. A male friend of mine, who has been married for about 15+ years, has a couple kids (youngest is 7) and he had an unfortunate accident and has been on disability for a couple years. The wife does not work so they have limited income. Limited income means limited activities for them all. This just proves that not 'ALL' couples that have kids are busy 24-7. This couple stayed home this weekend playing video games and watching tv. They also volunteer at a local outreach center. This just shows that not all couples that have kids are that much different than the childfree. Sometimes it's not that we are bored and have to much time on our hands, it's what can we actually "AFFORD" to do which limits our choices. The economy is not getting any better (no matter what the critics are saying), the price of gasoline is through the roof so that limits travel for work and pleasure, etc. Believe me that it is not only us childfree that are feeling the frustrations. Just be glad that you do not have kids where you are constantly disappointing them. Everytime they ask to go out for ice cream or want to go to the mall, etc. and you are always saying "NO" due to not being able to afford it, gas, etc. Honestly, I have never felt that I have to prove anything just because I am childfree. Not to myself or anyone else. But then again, that can also be due to experience and age, for I am in my late 30's. Good Luck!

Heck no.

married no kids, part time freelance work. I enjoy having free time to cook meals for my husband and myself, reading, yoga, etc. I personally have nothing to prove. Really? Is life a competition for who is busiest? When I hear people talk about oh I work 60 hrs per week, or oh my kids run me all over the place. I think to myself, that's fine for them , but it sure would make me unhappy and needing anti-depressants! lol. To each their own. I am definitely a stop and smell the roses type.

I hear you, gogirl, but, don't you think it all stems from the pressure we're all put on, these days ( maybe it was always thus )
But from an early age we're asked - what are you going to do with your life - what job do you want - do you have enough money - where did YOU go for your holidays - what sort of house do you live in - etc. etc.

EVERYTHING is competition, in the same way these questions that affect us on a really personal level
- how many kids do you have - a daughter is SUCH a joy - ( to my old favourite ) what do you DO with your time, if you don't have kids....

It's easy to take on the prssure, to chew it over, to get depressed feeling everyone else is 'winning' the game of life.

Don't get me wrong, i'm compeitive, ( if you've seen me play backgammon it can be scary ) but you really have to put it into perspective - and KEEP putting it into perspective, because some days it'll get to you, and others it doesn't even register.

I must admit, as you get older you do look at where you are in life, and wonder if you could have done it better - should I have married x instead of y ? did I choose the wrong career ? does my bum look big in this ?....

Ah, the questions, which I think will never stop til we finally lay to rest, and who knows, maybe look down thinking - should I have been cremated instead ?....:)

Strap in, see where life takes you, and above all don't be hard on yourself. As my mother used to say, when we were little not wanting our food ' think of all the poor Biafrans who have no food !' ( I still don't know where exactly that is, but the sentiment is right. be grateful for what we do have.
And of course, don't go to Biafra. xx

Think of it like I do... They are yapping about their kids for 30 minutes because THEIR lives aren't that interesting!!! :) my husband and I have this conversation every once in a while. On Sundays he will say "what the heck is everyone else doing right now while we sit on the porch with a bottle of wine...oh yeah, they are bathing their kids." Most people with kids have to live vicariously through them. We just get to live our own lives :)

People with kids seem to forget all about what life was like before they had kids and have a hard time hearing anyone talk about life without kids they are so wrapped up in it. Still, when I was teaching adult ed classes I'd often meet women in their 50's whose kids had left the home who were just shell shocked about living in an "empty nest." They are very dependent of their kids to tell them who they are and just seem lost without daily kid-problems to deal with. They were living through their kids for so long they forgot who they were and how to live their lives as individuals so are taking classes to find out? Anyway, I don't envy these lost souls.

You summed up my feelings exactly. Recently all eyes have been on my cousin who is seen as "successful" because he has a degree in criminal justice, works as a cop, married and has a child. While I on the other hand, don't even have a job. Though I've begun to feel less discontent thanks to the fact I've been learning how to cook. As simple as that sounds, previously I had no idea how to even start a dish for dinner. Now I'm starting to really learn and intent on learning how to cook all kinds of dishes from foreign to gourmet. I've also taken up the hope of learning a new language, so I've noticed the more I learn, the less inadequate I feel compared to my, "successful" cousin. Though I don't feel like he's "better" than me, I just want to accomplish as much in my life time as possible,

Gogirl, you've definitly touched on something that I think about a lot! For me, I became stuck on this issue after reading some of the childfree books that offer up reasons people choose not to have kids. Lots of stories focus on people wanting to make an impact on the world or simply LOVING their careers (usually creative people...not middle management like me!) When I read these stories, I feel like such a bum. Of course, I want to make the world a better place, but I'm certainly not willing to dedicate 100% of my life to it. And the job...well, it's fine. It's very challenging, stressful at times, but well-paid. It's not "meaningful" work in the traditional sense, but it allows me to do things I want. I work to live and proud of it! I try to think realistically about this topic. Most people did not choose to be childfree because they wanted to save the world. Our reasons are varied, and no reason is better than another. Just enjoy the fact that you have the opportunity to relax and watch TV (especially tv that doesn't involve Sponge Bob Square Pants). Also, I've noticed that when I run out of things to say with my parent-friends, it's often due to the fact that we don't really have much in common anymore. They are so involved in their children's lives that it's difficult to relate or talk about anything else. Sad, but not a reflection on you.

Thank you all for your replies! Just knowing I'm not alone helps. Yes, I'm lucky to even have time to think what to do with my life. It's just hard to figure out and I'm in my mid 30s already. I need to sit with the idea that I don't have to prove anything and that's a work in progress. Thanks!