BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why did I chicken out?

So, yesterday I had my yearly appointment with my lady parts doctor. She is great all except for the fact that she always puts the pressure on to have babies. This time, I was prepared. I had my speech rehearsed. I was going to tell her how hubby and I both come from neglectful and abusive families and we don't want to bring a child into that, and how I'm in school and hubby travels for work and I have so much of the world to see that a child does not fit into our life together...not to mention how the sound of a crying baby fills the both of us with so much rage...so, when she put the pressure on yesterday...I cracked...I muttered something about hubby traveling a lot and gave her a "maybe next year". Why do I freeze up when she asks me about kids? I know that next year we won't want kids...I know 10 years from now, we won't want kids. I guess I just don't like disappointing people...which goes back to my abusive and neglectful grandmother...but still...why can't I be honest with my doctor?

That's probably a fact why can't you have children, we are so much alike. My husband also came from a neglectful parents, the father a businessman and mother, a doctor, my husband works for his father and the father ultimately is a perfectionist;verbally abusing father; and I verbally abused from my mother. In our case, we thought the karma ends with us.That's the thought of having children never occurred to us. And of course, if ever we are able to adopt, he/she will grow up differently from the way we were brought up. I hope.

Now, hold up. First off, no doctor has the right to 'pressure' you about your lifestyle choices, period. You don't owe her an explanation, no matter how close you are. Her job is to be a doctor, that's it. The next time you have to go in there, you flat out tell her it's none of her damn business what you and your husband decide for yourselves and she'd do well to respect that. You have right to file complaint against her if she pushes back. And I see that you were abused as a child, and I know that all too well, which I guess is why it had the adverse effect on me. I found my voice and no one is going to bully me into anything. This is MY life, not theirs. That's something you have to think for yourself. What that doctor is doing is a form of harassment. She's way overstepping her duties and you surely don't have to take that. You decide your life, not someone else. Hope the next appointment goes better for you!

There's no easy answer for this but to start trying. For many years, I put people off about the question with answers like "not yet" or "maybe a few years down the road". Being a person that highly values honesty, I had a bad feeling this, knowing that I didn't see myself having children anywhere in the near future. Then in April 2009, I had back surgery. In my mind, that sealed the deal that I would never have children. Ever since then, when people ask me when I will be having kids, my answer is "I'm not planning on it" -- end of story. I have received mixed reactions. A fair number of women react like I hit them with a stun gun, but there are surprisingly a few that are very understanding about it. Either way, I feel that it is now a burden off my shoulders to be completely honest about my status with having kids.

BTW, I would find a new doc -- one that won't question your decisions on reproduction. She has no right to harass you about choosing not to have children.

How the hell is she put pressuring you having kids? Are you married to her? If you tell her you don't want any she will stop asking.

I was thinking about your post. Maybe you didn't chicken out as you feel you did. Is it possible that you really didn't feel like having to justify yourself? I don't know that saying "maybe next year" was the best choice, but either way, that's what came out...lol. Next time you're in and she asks tell doc, " I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop asking me about having a child."

I agree! Not "chickening out" as much as "trying to get this ridiculous conversation over as fast as possible without having any more harassment." I had a doc, after I told her my husband and I did not want children, offer to do me a favor by only writing my birth control for 6 months... That way I could start trying to get pregnant in 6 months and not right away. I told her no thank you, got my 12 month prescription, paid my copay, and found a new doctor that same week. Don't take [censored] like that from some one who should be interested in your reproductive health, not reproductive choices!

Ridiculous doctor!

The disturbing part about docs like the one Silly Yak posted about is that it's all about money! They want their patients pregnant to guarantee more visits and more money. I'm sure some may simply be used to most of their female patients wanting kids, but still that's no excuse to assume or judge.

Wow. I would lose it if my doctor said this to me. This is personal and no one's business. The doctor's business is your health, and that's it. I know why you said what you did- you just wanted to shut her up. But really, you should not have had to rehearse a speech. You should not overthink this and provide people like this with a list of reasons / explanations. That gives some people the impression that the subject is up for a debate / negotiation. It's not. A flat out answer of "No, we are not planning to have children." is all you need. If pressed, repeat the same line again. It's not rude. Any further commentary from her would result in my reporting her and finding a new doctor- which maybe you should consider.