BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Do you ever feel like you are not actually needed?

Sometimes I beat myself up about not wanting to be a mother. I was thinking last night that my fiance doesn't actually need me. For example, he is a self employed farmer that earns way more than I do; he owns the house we live in and pays all the bills; and he more or less supports me too. What do I bring to the table? I do chores and make about $20,000 after taxes (which is not much compared to his income). I feel like a "helper" to him. If he wanted to, he could dump me and still live fine-making his own living and running the household by himself.
For example, my parents-my dad works and that is it. He does not do any household chores-no mowing, dishes, cleaning up after pets etc. He comes home and eats supper that mom has cooked then goes to bed. Mom buys anything that he needs. If something were to happen to mom, he wouldn't know how to do anything. Once, mom,by brother and I were out of town so dad had my aunt mow the lawn for him and the other time he let it grow for 2 weeks and left my mom to push mow the wet, knee high grass when she got back. It took her 2 weeks. Dad could not function without mom.He needs her to run the household and take care of his kids.
On the other hand, my fiance could easily function without me. I sometimes think that I'm no more than an assistant to him. I feel like I don't contribute much but if I were to be a mom, I would take control of the house and take care of the kids, then he would depend on and need me. I would never be pressured or guilted into having kids though. Anyone sometimes feel the same?

It all depends on how you were brought up. Morals, values, etc. Also what events have taken place during your current lifetime. My parents passed away 3 yrs from each other due to cancer and they were young. I was young. My parents had 2 kids, me and my sister with no boys. My father tought me everything he thought I would need to know and always told me not to ever count on a man. I lived by that and it has helped as well as defeated me in relationships. I became very independent and had to with no more family, even extended was not available. I lived in my family home for 3 years after my parents passed-on. It was not easy, keeping up with a 5 bedroom bi-level home on an acre of land with a pool. I did all of the mowing (took me 2 days with a push mower), as well as all of the other things that go along with home ownership. My sister came walking in one day and made me sell the house (even though she already is married to a wealthy man with a daughter) but she has always been selfish. I now live in a townhome and was married 1 1/2 yrs. ago. My DH works 70+ hours a week and I know he appreciates what I do here to keep things moving along. Even if it is to make sure he has dinner when he gets home (we eat separately because he gets home so late). He has commented to me many times saying "Why am I even here? Why did you even get married when you don't need a man?" Some of what he says is true, but, it also makes me feel good knowing that me, myself, could live fine without HIM! This just shows that it can go both ways. A man can feel the same way as you do. I think a part of this is that you do not feel appreciated for what you ARE doing to keep the household going. My husband thanks me for cooking him a meal knowing that yes, he COULD do it himself but he appreciates that it is ready for him when he gets home instead of him making it at 10-11pm. He appreciated that I am the one who set up and chose the mason who is going to be pouring our new concrete patio this summer. If he wants to be a part of it, then I will include him in some way. Our living situation has changed moreso for me and I have had to go with the flow. I cannot mow my own lawn, have a garden or even wash my car in my own driveway because of living in a townhome community. I have lost many freedoms and know that I will regain them when we move in the near future. Just remember that you do not HAVE to do anything. Heck, your not even married. You did say that he is your fiance', correct? I would first try to sit down and talk with him about it. Tell him you do not feel appreciated and that it would help if he made it be known. All I had to do is stop doing my DH's laundry for a while. He questioned me and I told him straight out. Something as simple as this not being done can ruin HIS routine and he has come to realize and appreciate the small things. Good luck!

Because you don't want kids, you feel you have no value? Is that what the jist of this is? Because that's hogwash, plain and simple. If your fiance didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't. So stop worrying about that aspect. You are projecting your insecurities onto him, and that may in fact drive him away in the future if you don't put a stop to it now. As for your income, so what, you don't make as much, but with what you do make, you can do great things...why not open a savings account and put aside some traveling funds or save for a rainy day, or even put away an emergency fund. In this economy, he could lose his well paying job, and if you have a nice little fund to fall back on, you will end up being the hero in the end because you planned for it and were able to save when so many people don't have that luxury. You should also have an EFF YOU fund for yourself, anyway. You never know what will happen in the future. What happens if you two, gawd, allah, budda, fsm forbid, break up or he gets into an accident, or even death happens? Then what? Don't be the dependent...be proactive. It will not only make you stronger, but you will feel like you are contributing something. Aside from money, have you thought about donating your time to charities or even going back to school to get a better degree that will enable you to make more money? Not everything is about that but at least with these ideas, it will give you some sense of validation in the relationship. OR you could just try talking to him...tell him how you are feeling and ask how you could help out more in the future. You want to be partners, then you need to know what you can do to help :)

Well, that's one way to see yourself! My husband pays the bills and I freelance and pay for a few things, but you know what I nurture him, buy the groceries, feed him, do his laundry, and basically am the yin to his yang...lol. I've never questioned my value in our relationship what I bring to it is myself, my ideas, my imagination. the other day it was really touching when my husband said to me, " You know I'm so glad I have you to encourage me to travel places and try things. You always make something special for me when I get home." Not all contributions are monetary! However, I do buy the food lol, and if it weren't for my pay we wouldn't travel as often. As the previos poster suggested, I have a special separate savings for travel, date nights, weekend getaways,etc.


It can be reversed as well my bff's hubby makes about a quarter of what she makes, and works PT. You know what he's the fun light hearted one who helps her not to be serious ALL THE TIME!
If you had children, yes, they'd certainly need you, that doesn't mean your husband would need you more!

Storm Chaser- My fiance does value what I do but I feel like it I stopped doing chores etc that he wouldn't be put in a bind at all. He always did his own laundry etc before I moved in and still pitches in the second he gets home. I know he appreciates it but I kinda feel like I'm dependent upon him.
AmberD- I have thought about the possibility that we could break up or him getting injured so I have saved a lot of money and have $80,000 in my account. I know that when we get married that I will contribute more. I work in agriculture-no benefits at all so that savings is my retirement, emergency, rainy day fund.
misstalia-I also buy the groceries so I do contribute in that aspect. I know money isn't everything.

Thanks for everyone's input.

How about detach from him for awhile like attend vocational courses like sewing or baking and who knows you can make money out of it. How about you do something for yourself? Maybe it's self-fulfillment is all you need to regain confidence in yourself.

I'm fairly certain my husband doesn't really need me, but likewise, I don't actually "need" him either. Both of us are grown capable people. Does he make more money than me? Oh yeah, by far (don't get me started on the salary differences between predominantly male oriented fields and women's). However, I could live on my salary alone, as could he. And, I'm sure he'd eventually figure out how to empty the bagless vacuum, while I could also eventually learn how to install Windows on a new computer. So, even though we don't "need" each other, it's nice to have someone to rely on to help out with the day to day drudgery.

So, no. I don't feel needed, nor do I really wanted to. However, I do feel "wanted," and I certainly "want" him as well. That's all I need:)

I was thinking, two things. One, while your bridging what i call self-discovery transition, try looking at it as, though he doesn't absolutely depend on you per se, though it may feel could live just fine, mosey-ing along without you, he wants out of everyone else, to be with YOU!

Believe me, especially these days, all it takes is a man with a full-time job and women run to it like strung out cat-nip addicts. I have to beat them off with a stick out here.

The other thing I bet would make you feel better, is having a project or purpose/drive, all your own that you can see your efforts for doing.

With the financial support you do have, plus your own earned income, you have the perfect opportunity to start a business of your own, anything, driftwood boxes, soap/candles, hand/body lotions, herbs organic veggetables, wreath/crafts for the next major holiday, dry soup mixes, preserves home-made.

Lack of support and finances are usually the two things that keep people from pursuing their dreams. They can't afford to.

Dolyn, that's a great point you make here.

Neither of you "need" each other. You are together because you want to be not because you need to be. You bring a lot to the table. He's with you for a reason if he just wanted a maid he would have hired one. Or would you rather he be like your father and you have to do everything and wait on him hand and foot?