BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Thoughts from a newbie

Hi all! I have been visiting this forum for a while, and finally signed up today. When i visit this site and read through all your postings, I feel as though I could have written so many of them. Thank you for your honesty, I used to think I was the only one who felt this way! Here's what's on my mind today...I am tired. I am tired of losing friend after friend to becoming "mommy." I accept their life choices I guess, but why do they have to lose their identities? I think there should be a separate facebook for "Mommy" postings. They all replace their profile pictures with pictures of their babies, and refer to themselves as mommy. And then, in the blink of an eye, these close friends become people i can't relate to. I feel so lost. Seeing these friends in person is even harder. Why on earth do all new mommies need to describe changing diapers is intimate, gory detail? And they ALL do it! And then, we are all expected to stare at a slobbering child and coo. Which i try to do, but I feel like a poser. I am expected to FEEL things that i don't. I am supposed to stare at babies and want one. I am supposed to listen to the same stories from different friends- stories of teething, and potty-training, and babies who can't sleep, woes with feeding, etc. So, I sit and listen, trying to nod at all the right times, but in reality I'd rather be somewhere else. Anywhere else. Oh, and I detest baby showers.

Welcome, Violet. I agree that's a bit obnoxious. A high school acquaintence of mind changed her facebook name to "mommy( herlast name here)" It didn't bother me, but I found it a little strange. I think people do this because they're happy about their new role as a parent, which is good for their child I suppose (how sad if they were born to parents who didn't want them, right?) Now some of my friends have kids and they know I don't want them. Yes, I find that we hang out when THEY have time. But it doesn't offend me I'm just happy I don't have to live in that chaotic environment lol. My very good friend is a stay at home mom and we talk on the phone alot. However, she's not very maternal lol, I think that's why we're close. My advice to you is try NOKidding. my husband and I just signed up to go to an event.

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time. I am curious as to what is happening when you say "I am tired of losing friend after friend to becoming "mommy." I am not sure what you mean by that statement. Do you mean you feel some sort of jealousy when a friend is having a child? Do you mean that your friends that do have kids don't make time for you? I am a schoolbus driver by trade and deal with kids K-8th grade. I do not 'dislike' or 'hate' kids but am childfree by choice. Is it that you want your friends all to yourself on a girls night out or maybe have lunch? Or is it your friends that always want to bring the kids? Unfortunately, we have to roll with the changes in life. I have lost some friends due to their family choices of having children but that was not the only reason. They got married and moved away as well. At this point in my life, some of my friends have children in their teens which makes it easier to have free time. All in all, it depends on your tolerance level of kids. I cannot tolerate a crying baby and it is even most uncomfortable in a restaurant. I have no problem staring down a set of parents that bring their newborn or cranky toddler to a restaurant, especially a nice restaurant at that. Good luck to you and Godspeed!

Hi Violet! Glad you're here! I know exactly what you mean. There was an article recently about facebook and how it can just make you feel more defensive about your life when you see everyone else's seemingly glorious lives. I think it's even more poignant for us since we have chosen to take a non-traditional life path. I can't stand when I see the friends I know who have now changed so much--their postings are almost always about potty training. Know that you're in good company here. That's a good idea misstalia had to look up a No Kidding event. Look on Meetup dot com for childfree groups too. There's one that is forming in my city and I can't wait to meet others who feel this way. Take care and keep posting!

For me, it is absolutely the case that my friends don't make time for me anymore. I have reached the point where 99% of my friends either have children or have the first on the way. I literally "mourn" the expectation that my friends that are now pregnant will abandon me when the babies are born -- just a matter of time.

I think a lot of the reason this happens to me is due to the fact that I don't have a comfort level with children. When you have young mothers around, it definitely seems to be "their way or the highway" when it comes to how you spend time with them. About all of my friends will not compromise time away from the babies to spend with you for some "adult" time. Or if they try, the leading conversation will always be about the baby. I used to fake my way through these conversations -- seem to enjoy it when I don't. I have learned to be more like myself in these situations, but it doesn't make me very popular at all.

Hi Violet. I feel you ! and isn't it a shame we're not all the same ? I often think it would be great if I was happy to conform, could say to people when they asked 'oh, yes I have three kids, and they are all incredibly gifted, in fact just the other day, my eldest....'

But we're not the same, and as you get older you realise the imagined 'fantastic' life of your friends with kids, is actually a bit of a nightmare, while they struggle with tantrums, ill health, finance, worry etc.

You don't have far to look before you see divorce, unhappy children, - I was watching the news talking about Catherine zeta Jones going into hospital for manic depression, and I first thought - but she's beautiful, rich, two kids, great career, how can SHE be depressed ??
( then you remember one child has learning difficulties, she's had to have plastic surgery to keep up the expectation of others, and her hubby has just had cancer,) and you think, yes, she's having the same ups and downs every other human has on this planet !

we all look at others lives ( like we do the rich, or the expectation of children ) and think it's better than ours, but it's not.
I've come to see people who have kids, as just trying to make themselves happy ( God bless, and good luck ) but I've done other things in my life to try and make myself happy.
Has it worked ? In parts. but life isn't like that, it's constant ups and downs, no matter how hard you try, or what life path you choose.

The trick is to be happy with your choices, and be indulgent with others' wether it's to have kids, choose a same sex partner, or live alone.
So don't be too hard on these 'mommies' they're trying to validate the choice they made. I sometimes see mothers with kids and think, wow, they look so happy, should I have ?
It's just natural. Jealousy is part of our nature unfortunately, but we have a choice, and you should rejoice in the choices you make - even though we all look sideways sometimes.

However, I'm in complete agreement with you, with this almost ' holier than thou' attitude some mothers have, and I have no time whatsoever with people like that, as it's a personality trait that runs, not just with their kids, but in other areas of their lives too.
These sort of people just bring you down, and are really not worth a second on. steer clear.
find people who value your worth, and make you happy when you're around them, and don't take any @@@@ off the others.

That was a lovely post, gaynor.

I don't really envy those couples who has children. I had a miscarriage at first and then focus on our career. But you know I really felt left out especially during family gatherings at my in-laws. My younger-sister-in-law was just forced to get married and procreate because the other in-law and her sister was forcing her to have a baby and she is turning to early 30's. As if it's easy to have a child. Boy, it was hard to get pregnant. I have an aching hips and my columns that I said I don't want to have a child again. Don't know why people enjoy having a baby. After awhile when their figure changes, the images of their wives as husband looked at them changes too.

I don't really envy those couples who has children. I had a miscarriage at first and then focus on our career. But you know I really felt left out especially during family gatherings at my in-laws. My younger-sister-in-law was just forced to get married and procreate because the other in-law and her sister was forcing her to have a baby and she is turning to early 30's. As if it's easy to have a child. Boy, it was hard to get pregnant. I have an aching hips and my columns that I said I don't want to have a child again. Don't know why people enjoy having a baby. After awhile when their figure changes, the images of their wives as husband looked at them changes too.

I would say "do you". If you don't want to have kids don't it's definitely your right. IF the people you hang around with have kids and TRY to make you feel bad because you don't, find new friends. Doesn't sound like they're really good friends to begin with. No one can make you feel bad, but you.

Enjoy your life CF, that's what it's about. People talking about kids getting on your nerves, heck walk away. Don't stand there and suffer. Don't go to parties or gatherings where you feel uncomfortable. You have rights, you have freedom - exercise it. Heck, I have kids all grown but one and I don't like standing and talking to people who can ONLY talk about their kids, I walk away, even from friends because I don't want hear it so I don't.

Being CF should be great! I can see if it's your spouse you're having problems with...sometimes even family (but if you're not living in the same house...well...)

Do you - be child free and enjoy it. No one needs to be envious of anyone, because there is a plan for each of our lives. Not all moms are bad, not all child free people are bad. Some are, some aren't in all categories.

Live, be free at the end of the day you're not accountable for any of those people. People are in our life for a reason and a season. IT's sad when you lose friends, it is - they may not feel, however, that they are losing their identities, they made a choice.

Find friends, join clubs organizations. This child free forum is great in that there is a place to get it off your chest sound off and find others like yourself. I would just say embrace being child free and let the rest go - you've got so much to enjoy - Exercise your rights, to enjoy your life!!!