BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Husband's Offensive Questioning

Hello all. Right now the husband and I are still on the rocks over this kids thing. I don't want them. And after much swinging back and forth on his part, he has settled into the position that though he is not 'baby crazy' he knows he will be sad and resentful when my sisters get pregnant and it's not me. He says he doesn't want to turn 50 and not have children. Neither of us has the guts to walk away at this point, because we do still love each other. But here is why I'm posting: Several times, over the course of our discussions, (and trust me, it's been a miserable 4 months of back and forth, crying, silent treatments, etc.) he very judgementally asks me, "What is your life going to be about if you don't have kids?" To which I reply, plenty of things: my job (which I love, I'm a math tutor/teacher), running, hiking, helping animals, travel, wine nights, books, etc. I give him credit for trying to picture life without them so we can stay together, but he always explains that without kids, his life has no meaning/ purpose. This hurts my feelings because I think, HELLO?? You have ME and we do tons of fun stuff together! I think our life is good the way it is! We can travel, have peaceful wine nights or a movie night, we can go run together, etc. I guess I'm just venting because he thinks kids validate your existence. He's dumbfounded at the concept that all I need is to be happy enjoying what I like. He says I'm perfect and doesn't want to lose me, but 5 minutes later, he says without kids, he doesn't know what his vision would be, because his life would be pointless. It just makes me feel so worthless. <Sigh>. Thanks for listening.

I'm always surprised that people would have this debate after marriage rather than before. It's so sad that your husband is looking to a third person to validate his existence. I would be really hurt to hear that as well. Maybe there is another area in his life that is lacking? Have you ever asked your husband if he could envision the two of you enjoying and loving each other, travelling,dedicating more time to each other than most couples have. Also, have you ever seen the studies indicating that couples without children tend to be happier than those with. These studies also state that couples happiness and satisfaction decline after birth of first child and do not rise again until they leave. I'm sure this isn't the case for everyone, but it's been documented. I suppose if he's saying you're perfect that he knows your the love of his life. It looks like having you as the love of his life means NOT having kids.

I totally agree. This debate/discussion should have been brought up before marriage. I told my DH that I was not interested in having kids 'BUT' adoption later on in life might be an option. This discussion took place within the first 1-2 months of dating! Of course my DH thinks about it but then reality sinks in. He works 7 days a week between 2 jobs and over 70 hours a week. I would be known as the "married single mom". Also there is no extended family available to even help us out and no cousins, grandparents, etc. for the child. He thinks that if it was meant for him for have kids, it would have happened already. My DH is 40 and I am 39. I am actually having a tubal ligation by cauterization done in 2 weeks. Maybe that is the reality check my DH needs to say "wow, it really isn't gonna happen".

When people visualize being parents, they usually think of all of the fun and satisfaction that children can bring. They don't think about how aging sperm and eggs combining can cause some kinds of genetic problems. Ask him to research this. Also, you can have a perfect, wonderful baby, then the child can regress and you have a child with autism. While you will love your child, that's a lot more work than having the child that people imagine. It takes time away from a career, or it puts the career on a completely different track. Or, you could raise your child, giving up many dreams that you have, only to find out that your child has bi-polar disorder or schizophenia. The child is still yours, and you love the child, but life can be very difficult in any of these circumstances. Your child can develop any of the childhood cancers, or a bleeding disorder. There are many stressful things that can happen with children.

Does your husband enjoy those little moments of spontaneous romance? Romance needs to be planned with kids. Especially when a family doesn't have an extended support system, there is little relief time.

KIds are forever, unless you throw them away into the foster care system. Then, you have made a little person who knows that he or she is unloved. I see this every day. These children are truly sad.

For what it is worth. My life is much different from what it would have been. It is the life that I was meant to live. However, it is not easy. There are times when my ambitions are thwarted by my family. That's life--and I chose it consciously.

Connie

You are not worthless. he needs to listen to what he is saying to you. I would be crushed if my husband said that to me.

so, he thinks his life would be worthless without kids? has he said he would take time off work for this kid he craves? get up in the middle of the night? change diapers? sacrifice things he likes to do so that he can raise this child?

or is he just one of those guys who feels their self worth is based on passing on their genes?

I have learned a couple things from my husbands coworkers who like to raz him about not having kids. most guys have that cave-man urge to procreate. they can see a child as almost a trophy. all these guys telling him that he has to have a baby are at work while their wives are at home and then they are out golfing or going to sporting events on the weekends. they have these kids but spend very little time with them.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. tell him right now that some of the stuff he has been saying is very hurtful. if someone really loves you they will stop saying things that they know hurt you.

children are not the meaning of life. life is what you make it. a happy life can be made of many different things. you can leave your mark on the world without ever having a child.

perhaps you two should drop the subject for a month or so just to think everything over. pretend that the whole baby issue doesnt exist and just think and enjoy each others company. sometimes being too close to the problem prevents the truth from being seen.

i know people out their who have battled the baby issue for years. even I have days where I get scared wondering who will help us when we are in our 80's or if I will be some neglected widow in a run-down nursing home with bed sores.(but that is a post I haven't yet wrote here.)

Kc2500 - just remember that if he doesn't respect you, he doesn't deserve you. and sometimes it is easy to love someone, but difficult to like them. I am a firm believer of standing in your truth and doing right by yourself. have you ever given in or done something for someone else and that route ended up hurting you or working against you? I feel that a man pushing his wife to have a baby she doesn't want is the same as asking her to push the self-destruct button on herself.

I agree but it could have been a situation where the OP might have wanted them at one point but changed her mind or her husband changed his mind. Sometimes people aren't completely honest until the real issue comes up. There could be a lot of reasons why this discussion had changed now. It's not fair to either of you but it happens.

You can't change another person. You can't hope another person changes their mind on a subject down the road. They may or they may not. Either you do or you don't either way someone gets what they want and someone doesn't. How would you feel if he went out and had an affair and got someone pregnant?

[quote=misstalia]I'm always surprised that people would have this debate after marriage rather than before. [/quote] Misstalia and Stormchaser, I think you must be wrongly assuming that people and marriages don't change with time. My situation with my ex-husband was very similar to KC's, in fact, he made the exact same comment to me about "what is your life going to be about if not kids"... I was outraged about it but it also cemented the idea in my head that we were just too different to stay together... I can't understand anyone not being able to find any other meaning in life apart from breeding. Back to my point, though... :) My ex and I did have a discussion on kids before we got married but we both thought I would change my mind in time as we were only in our mid-twenties when we first got together. But that didn't happen and after we were married the pressure really came on, and I realised just how badly I DIDN'T want to have kids. So all I'm saying is that it can happen to anyone, with the best of intentions. You can't predict in what ways and how much each of you will change as you go through life and whether that will bring you closer as a couple or push you apart. I'm sorry KC, that this is happening to you, but as I've said before, I can't see how you are going to compromise on this.... To me, the only solution was to break up. Wish you the strength to make the right decision that is best for YOU.

FIREGIRL: I totally understand what you are saying. I was assuming when I made the comment about not wanting children "should be discussed before marriage" that the originial poster was older. Your situation is common, as well. You stated that you met your 'ex' in your mid 20's. As for me, it is different because I met my husband in my late 30's and was definitly not going to change my mind. The option of "WAIT AND SEE IF I CHANGE MY MIND" was not in the cards. KC2500: Have you discussed possible family counseling? Even maybe individual? To see where this marriage is going and what is the healthiest choice for either of you? I do, however, have to give credit where credit is due. Your husband is telling you and being honest with you straight out that he doesn't want to turn 50 and have no children. He is already making life miserable for you with rude comments and such and he is obviously not happy. Good luck and keep us posted!

One of the first questions my husband asked me when he was totally sure that I wouldn't change my mind was: "what are you going to do with your life now that you know you're not having kids?"...I'll become an Astronaut! No really...I mean, c'mon! As if life wasn't busy enough nowadays...and complicated! But yeah, it was offensive because he implied that my life was not worth if I didn't have kids...I guess it's a sin to want to have a comfortable/drama-free life....

to the OP, try not to be "too" offended...I believe sometimes men don't stop and think before they speak.

In my case I wanted kids with my husband when we got married in our early to mid 20's. Not right then, but it was going to happen some time in our future. Both of us had been working in offices, and around the time we were getting married I took a job working with the public. The more I saw moms with kids coming in and out, the more I would notice what really goes on with families. I got married, but two weeks after the wedding it hit me like a ton of bricks.....I CAN'T DO THIS.

I told my husband and it was very upsetting to him, understandably. More than once we had fights over it, and I told him more than once to please leave me and the marriage if children were what he really wanted and needed in life. I could not provide that anymore and I did not want to prevent him from being happy. The tough part is that we really loved each other and enjoyed each other's company no matter what we were doing together. He decided to stay with me, and after a time he decided that life was ok without having kids, and it was nice to be able to take trips, have peace and quiet every day, have extra money, etc. He got into a band, went back to school, and got into painting still lifes and portraits.

For someone who thought that life was so validating when you have kids, he lied to himself and to me. He secretly hoped I would change my mind again and want kids as I got older, but that never happened. When he turned 40 and I was 43, he had some type of mid-life crisis and decided he could wait no longer for kids. He divorced me. He carried a great resentment towards me for not giving him a family.

From my experience, no matter how the situation comes about, if one partner wants kids and the other does not, it is a deal breaker. My marriage lasted 16 years....and we were together for a total of 19 years. It took a long time for the relationship to end because we really cared about each other, but when something so important lives within a person, there is no alternative but to go out and get what you want and need.

As a result my ex-husband has hooked up with a friend of his whom he's known for 7 years. She is 47 with three kids ages 14, 19, and 24. She promised my ex a baby. Now, she may be full of baloney and stringing him along to get what she can out of him, but clearly neither one of them are considering a good point that Connie on this thread has brought up. At this age the mother could bring a retarded, autistic, or otherwise unhealthy child into the world. Are either one of them prepared for that?

Needless to say, I know my ex-husband is also loaded with debt. I don't know how he intends to support a new life. To me, both of them are very selfish in their way of thinking.