BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage MARRIED 1 YEAR-ARE MY EXPECTATIONS TO HIGH?

Let me ask a question. You said you had pretty limited time together even when you were dating. What did you do together during that time that you guys ever decided to get married?

Did you have long conversations together? long walks together? Did you email each other twice a day back then? I think we need some clues on what ever generated the chemistry between you two in the very beginning since you said he had a pretty crushing schedule from when you first met.

That's a good point, Anne. They both endured the same living arrangement during the two years they dated. But I think during that time, Stormchaser still lived a "single" life with her own activities. Now, I think she's ready to pursue her own interests once again!

I agree. Often times, we think our spouses expect us to change when we get married (and sometimes that is true-sadly), but in some situations they expect us to remain the same. Stormchaser, he may have married you because you were independent and did not complain about his schedule.

When I found myself unhappy in my marriage, I had to focus on me. I found that by going back to the woman I was when we met (in terms of being happy), helped me be happier and improved my marriage overall. My happiness lightened his load & he began to flirt w/me again. I think, he saw that girl he first met. Furthermore, my happiness lightened my load, I lost 30lbs.

Go get'em Stormchaser! Enjoy yourself and your marriage.

Most of my activities were with family and they are no longer at my disposal. Also, most of the activities I did participate in were, well, the 'single life' type of activities. Let me explain. I was a member of two private social clubs here. They had dart leagues, pool, shuffleboard, dances, bingo and of course a bar. I would spend time there socializing over a glass of wine and was also part of the shuffleboard team where we traveled to other clubs/bars and shot for competitions (this is seasonal). It might be ok for a guy to be at a bar and play on a pool league 2-3 times a week without his wife there but, a woman doing the same thing raises some eyebrows and I do not want to put myself or my DH in that situation. Again, I did those things because I "WAS" single. Now that I am married, I would like new activities to do "WITH" my DH. @AnneE: You ask what did we do during the time we were dating and had limited time together on those weekends. He lived in a small apartment and I would travel to see him on a Friday afternoon. I would get chinese take-out and he would come home and we would eat, watch some tv and then go to bed. He worked on Saturdays until noon so I would help clean up his place a little bit and when he got home we would watch a movie, take a walk and then we had our date night. Sundays I made breakfast, helped do his laundry for the week and then I made an early dinner (he had to be at work at 3-4pm) and then I would go home. I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything at this point. Is it plain old unhappiness? Is it disappointment? The last thing I need to hear is that I am depressed. It might be hard to believe but you can be unhappy without being tagged as depressed. I'm afraid to even tell my doctor during my annual exam that I have been down-in-the-dumps or she will automatically say YOU HAVE DEPRESSION. It's crazy!

Ah. You're right. You don't want to mingle with singles in that type of atmosphere. Many of them are seeking to hook-up, if only temporarily, and you don't want that.

Yes, you can be unhappy or dissatisfied without being depressed. But having "no motivation whatsoever to do anything" kinda is a sign of depression. Perhaps, it's just a temporary dip due to the sudden realization that things aren't turning out as you hoped.

If you can manage to do one small thing that makes you happy...it can start you rolling in the right direction. What direction is that? Doing something that puts you in a joyful state. Why not visit a library and look at some books for ideas? Try out new things. Learn something new. Challenge yourself. That always helps people get out of a rut!

Meanwhile, you can look forward to moving which will give you more time with your husband.

Well the one book that I recommend to anyone before throwing in the towel on a relationship is Divorce Busters by Michelle Werner-Davis.

When you said you had no motivation... if I was in your situation, I would think back to the feeling that I had that led me to marry this guy. The motivation comes from wanting to have that special feeling again. OR.... just wanting to feel happy again.

You said you used to take walks. So I would start walking again. Invite hubby along. Hopefully you can schedule it morning or evening when he can join you. If not, go yourself. If he can never go, well then start a dog walking service and earn some extra money at least, but get outside and moving.

And the club you hung out at before, were there any women there that you were friends with that you'd like to go out to dinner with? Or invite over? See it sounds like the problem isn't just that he is working, but overall your social needs aren't being met. Let's brainstorm on ways you can have more fun and socialize even if hubby keeps working those long hours.

Obviously, this is just my 2 cents. I'm not in your situation and there are a thousand things about your life that I don't know. I'm just hoping to spark some ideas.

Jumping in here. I tend to be introverted, too, and have been through health issues and other situations where I lost my motivation to do anything. Some things that helped during those times was to make a list of "Things I've Always Wanted to Do" and then pick one thing off that list to focus on. Whether it's to start a new hobby or take an online class or begin a blog -- it gives me something new to focus on. And, it's something else to look forward to sharing with your husband when you are on date night.

Other ideas: have you checked the paper for social activities? Maybe a book club, art club, writing club, diet club, gardening club, etc? What about taking a class at the local rec center? Ours offers everything from learning sign language to how to bake fancy cakes or take photographs. Does your church offer activities or events that you could do? If your husband doesn't want you to take a 2nd job, what about volunteer work?

I'm sorry that you are having a tough time.

Well, I did ask in an earlier post what self-improvement and development skills or activites some of you do and have yet to get a response. I do agree, however, my social circle is small or at the very least non-existant. Again, I am child-free by choice and my friends are caught up in their kids and have no time or they have moved away. Another thing I have noticed in the past couple years is this Seasonal Depressive Disorder. It is not considered a ligitimate medical condition but it is used loosely up here where I live. I have felt the 'blues' during the winter months due to it getting dark really early, cold/bad weather which does not allow outdoor activities and your stuck inside, etc. Same goes for extreme summer weather where it is 80% humidity to the point you cannot breathe and it is 95 degrees outside. Please note that I am not complaining but giving you info. After thinking about it, much has to do with all of the loss I have experienced in my life. Losing both parents in my 20's, losing my childhood home due to a selfish sister and made to move into a home I really did not like but could afford, lost posessions due to the economy (one which was my motorcycle) that were a part of my happiness, etc. The economy has become my enemy and has taken over control of my life. I do not like my living area and want to move. We cannot move so I can have more space and get my motorcycle due to the economy. We cannot move to get closer to where my DH works so his commute is shorter which means more time at home due to the economy. I cannot get that home that best suits our needs (I love gardening, mowing the lawn, having a porch to sit out on with a bar-b-q with privacy) because of this DAMN ECONOMY! There have been homes for sale here in my development for over 3 years! Sorry, I got carried away. I do have some books on order at the library and should be in by tomorrow. In the meantime, if you would share some of your socilization activities, hobbies, etc. would be appreciated.

Hello, I hope you don't mind some feedback from a Guy in this discussion. My first concern was that while you were going to his place, you were doing all the "work" in the relationship or that was the way I read it.. buying food, cleaning house, washing clothes, sure guys like that done for them...but were you getting anything out of the relationship except the feeling that you were needed or wanted. IF your relationship as a married couple is still like this..then yes that would quickly lead to depression like situation. I hope I'm wrong and he is paying YOU attention. I know getting flowers or surprises might be old fashion..but I hope he is doing something for you too. AS for putting some excitement into your relationship during those cold winter and spring months and money is tight. Perhaps you might want to consider "camping" inside...If your into camping and have a pop up tent and room inside the house surprise him with a camp out in the living room. A tent, blankets, marshmallows roasting in the fire place if u have one...I guess u have the idea which is to "Change" the day to day even a little bit. Just don't make it "routine" Oh, for what it is worth, I've been married over 30 years. No it is not perfect and we are different people than what we were back in 1980 when we got married. There are times when my wife would love to take a baseball bat to me -lol-and I guess we could also use time with a professional mediator. but that all said and done... I hope that you find the happiness your seeking. Good Luck- Caljack

I don't know if this question makes a difference or not, but your husband works 2 jobs, you part-time. Your husband is right, many people can't even find one. The economy still stinks regardless of headlines saying it's so much better now. It's no reason to put your life on hold though for the next 3 years, though.

Anyway, w/the condo, wouldn't that free up some of the income you do have coming in? Especially if the jobs he has are good ones? I was thinking you could plan ahead and take a day off together, and maybe go to a concert outdoors or a day trip, explore a new town, picnic, sight see, now that the weather is nicer.

The other thing is I found an interesting website. The link is below. I've subscribed to the newsletter and there's a lot of good advice just in that if you don't want to spend any money right now.

Have The Relationship You Want

She talks about being a "Modern Siren" which encourages the woman to be that independant person she used to be that set off that wonderfull attractive vibe in the first place. Reasoning for abandoning it ranges from, "I didn't get married to act single" to "It's so depressing I just don't have the interest or money to do anything I used to..." and men pick up on these things and inadvertantly begin to feel deflated. They are challenge motivated and women are creative anyway, so there's always a way to do something.

Also you asked what we do to self-motivate. I learn fun things. So I like to cook, love, lol. So, I'll get excited about trying new cheeses and recipes, not boring items, more exotic, like I'll pick a country, Italy or Mexico or Tavern, beer batter fish and chips. The house always smells wonderful and the recipe is perfected by the time my husband does get home.

Also, when my husband is home, I go out. Just leaving the house it's wierd, it does something, like the unexpected. I'll go to the library or thrift store to seek out treasures, etc.

The other thing I've done is joined "Meetup.com". It sounds like a dating site, but it isn't anything like that. Just people that have intersts and join groups to share those interests, single or not. They've got all sorts of social groups, like culinary, try a new restaurant, hiking, german, anything you can think of. You just type in your zip code and at least investigate.

You already said, you've spoken with him about how you feel, so in my opinion that's enough. The next step, he's got to make an initiative. In the meantime, date yourself. Dress like you're on your way out. Fix up your hair or purchase some subtle lingerie just to make yourself feel sexy.

When you start feeling that extra happy lightness for no reason he'll feel it too and probably mention the change. Also, he just may notice that hour you're not home, to "go upstairs" and make more of a point for there to be something in it for you