BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Interesting Baby Shower Conversation

So, I went to a baby shower for my cousin today. It was a small, intimate group of just my first cousins and aunts (about 20 people). My cousin is the first of our generation to be pregnant, although I'm the oldest and have been married the longest. Now, if asked, my husband and I have no problem stating firmly but politely that we've chosen not to have children. However, we try not to make a big deal out of it. Well, while she was opening her gifts, she said to me (in front of everyone), "Aren't you at least getting the itch to have a baby with all of these cute gifts?" I felt immediately on the spot, but I just said my default line which tends to lessen any tension: "No thanks. I like kids. I just don't one to own one." People laughed and we moved on to other conversation, but I was left bothered by her comment. It just seemed like a strange time and place to make that comment. More importantly, why did I immediately feel defensive? I know my decision is the right one for me, so why do I always feel defensive/overly sensitive?

I think you feel sensitive and defensive because you are aware that your life choice is one that's met with critical comments and sometimes negative assumptions by members of society who want to or didn't realize they had a choice in becoming parents. I also think you felt nervous because you were concerned that others would chime in and question your decision. Which it's good to know they had the consideration and manners not to. I don't think your cousin was starting trouble, she was probably just wondering as someone who (hopefully) really wanted to have a kid how you could not. Just as many child-free people wonder why others would want them. The difference is it isn't socially acceptable for US to say that...lol.

I know why I felt defensive when met with the shock and disbelief that I didn't want children: babies are supposed to make women melt, and the automatic assumption is that you must be a cold-hearted b*tch if they don't. I think the disbelief and confusion is quite offending as well because it makes us feel like there is something wrong with us. The reality is that we are just a smaller percentage of women (a minority if you will). So until more women continue to choose CF and become more stern in the defense of the position, we will continue to be viewed as odd. But who cares? We're having fun in the meantime. As for your cousin, I agree with misstalia that she was probably not intending to start trouble. Being the center of attention for that day probably made her so absorbed in herself that she didn't realize the comment was not needed. I'd give her a break because she's got a heck of an 18 years ahead of her. Haha.

Yeah like the only reason to have kids is to get cute baby gifts (I need an eye rolling smiley).

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom. I know you're so right! I just wish I could release my defensiveness, especially around people who haven't really said or done anything directly. Maybe someday!

I hate it when you go to baby showers and women start talking about how you will "experience this, experience that" when you have kids. I have told these women in the past that I do not want to have kids. Will they ever learn?

Some people just do that because they can't stand the thought of someone being different than themselves. I have most certainly had a similar comment made to me by someone who absolutely knows I don't want to have kids. "You're not a mommy yet, but you'll see." was the comment. I just laughed and changed the subject. I'm not going to get angry. I suppose in the future she'll realize she sounded like a fool.

I think it's because you didn't expect her to say that, and you were in front of 20 people waiting for your answer! Talk about being on the spot! I would've felt the same. But I don't think your cousin meant it in a mean way, ppl with kids really don't see our point of view, we're like aliens to them hahaha

My sister-in-law is also having a baby shower this week-end, and the ONLY reason I'm going is because it's not the traditional way. It's more like a get-together of her whole family with my family, but with the baby gifts of course.
But by now everyone knows I've decided to be CF, so I don't expect to be put in the spot.