BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Going through an unpleasant divorce-advice please

Hi LynS1951:

I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through.

A divorce is NEVER easy whether you are the one that wants it or not. In spite of maybe not being happy with a person, they still become a "habit" and as you know, habits can be a challenge to change.

I would advise you seeking some counseling. I am not sure of your location, but in the USA, there are lot of free resources and legal help available for women going through what you are.

Please keep us abreast of how you are doing.

We do care

Been there, done that.....and I made a lot of mistakes being nice and accomodating to my ex-husband. I too am unemployed and recently divorced this year. We filed no-contest with no attorneys in court with us, although I did pay an attorney to look over our divorce agreement before I signed anything to be filed with the court.

If your name is on the house then you have every right to be there and your husband cannot force you out until the divorce is final, provided that you do not want the house. I am not sure what the laws are if you are renting, but if the lease is in your name too and he is paying the rent, then I do believe you can still stay there.

If you have your name on any bank accounts with your husband you are entitled to half of what is in the accounts, so I would make those withdrawals now and open accounts in just your name. He may have already drained those bank accounts and moved the money into just his name....this happened to me.

You need time to get some things in order and make living arrangements for yourself. Is there a friend or relative you can stay with for a time until you can get on your feet, either now or after the divorce goes through? If you can put off moving out until the divorce is final I would do that, as long as you are not in any danger in your husband's presence.

If he wants the divorce perhaps your husband should move out until everything is done in court. That is what my ex-husband did so I could get my things together. Plus he could not emotionally handle living with me anymore even though he wanted the divorce and I did not.

As for your emotions going wild, I engaged in bickering with my ex-husband quite often during the process of divorcing, which was really strange because we did not argue often during our marriage. The strain of what was happening did take it's toll on me, and I did things I normally would not do. I agree that professional counseling would help you deal with the situation, and minimizing communication with your husband may help as well.

I feel for you because I know this situation is not easy to deal with. In time it will get better, but it is very stressful to be in your place right now. Try to take care of yourself the best you can. Eat as healthy as you can and get adequate rest. Take time out for walks outside or other connections with nature to help clear your head from time to time. Connect with supportive family and friends, and with us here. Please stay in touch.

Thank you both for your replies, advice and support.. It is really tough at present because I have no family here - I moved to the States to get married - and most of my really good American friends live on the east coast. I'm now job-hunting in earnest and looking for work that includes accommodation, so have been researching these options. Unfortunately, none of my local friends can put me up (we're all equally indigent) and, I also have a lot of stuff that needs to be stored.. So, I'm caught currently between a rock and a hard place.. Will be trying to see a lawyer on Monday and, also attend the local divorce support group (if they are actually meeting) to find out what other local resources might exist. Matters aren't helped by being stuck out in the country with no transport.. Thank you once again for being there - albeit in cyber-space..

Sorry you're dealing with this. I've been through this twice and can tell you that no matter how civilized all parties agree to be it's very difficult to come to terms with what's going on.

Walking helped one of my clients get through her divorce. I got through my second one by writing an ebook, my boyfriend got over his ordeal by getting back into motorcycles which he was never allowed to have when he was married.

Try to stay busy, make new friends and most importantly allow yourself to grieve this loss. My very wise therapist that I went to years after my divorce was over told me one of my biggest issues is I never grieved my divorce so I was stuck in the past.

It's o.k. to feel the way you do to be sad, angry, scared, upset. You're only human. Try not to bury all those feeling but also don't let them completely take over. You will feel better soon and things always have a way of working out for the better in the end. This is just a transition into a new life, probably a better one : )

Well I think it's all good advice, but to be honest nothing can cure the feelings you have for an ex apart from time.