BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids LIFESTYLES OF THE CHILD-FREE

I am sooo glad that I started this thread. It is, in fact, an interesting one and you can get to know the other members of this forums as well as personalities. CATLUGAL: We dated for 2 years and we saw each other on weekends. To everyone else, I thank you for your help and ideas. I recently took on a project of getting estimates from local contractors to have a new patio put in and also do some waterproofing in our basement. I am trying to make a negative into a positive. Like I mentioned before somewhere during this thread, my husband's commute is a long one and thats a negative. More time to get home means less time AT home. The economy for the housing market suks and I see me and DH being stuck here in our current house for a while. I am trying to get the house to the way we like it so we can enjoy it while we are here and in the meantime, increase it's value so we can sell when the economy gets better. We plan on moving closer to his work so the commute is cut in half. Due to my line of work, I can always find work even during these bad times so the move would not be that bad. It is a work in progress.

It sounds very difficult for you Stormchaser, I'm really sorry.

I wonder if you have considered if your husband is maybe suffering some form of social anxiety rather than just being overworked and tired? It does sound like he works incredible hours but if he is as intelligent as you sound then he will understand that life is for living and no matter how bad the economy is money still isn't everything. What is the point in struggling to make ends meet if you're unhappy?

Free sources of entertainment (friends, long walks, fresh air) are a vital part of everyday life and it sounds like your man is very shut off from entertainment of any sort. I don't doubt he enjoys his models, I could do maths till the cows come home but I will eventually get depressed because it's not healthy to do sole pursuits for such long periods of time. We do all need people to some degree even if, for me anyway, it's only a handful of people, where others need many.

Is it possible that seeing you enjoying some other activity will spur him on to give it a go with you? Could you find an allotment, or maybe look after a vegetable patch for an old person who is no longer able but takes pride in their garden? Your husband could join you and you could relearn the art of conversation.

(and help please, what does "DH" mean? I see it used a lot but it isn't a term we use over here!)

This might sound decidedly odd, BUT, could you and your husband actually downsize your accommodation? This would leave you with lower bills to meet, hopefully help with some of the financial stress, and maybe even give you more money for activities. Much as we all take pride in our homes, putting more money than need be into where we live can be a lose-lose situation if it stops us being able to afford to see outside those 4 walls. Could you relocate to nearer your husband's work so he wastes less time on commuting. It's amazing what we have all come to accept as just "part of life" that can fairly easily be resolved. I no longer look for work that, when push came to shove, I couldn't walk to (I'm happy to do a very fast 1hr walk).

Your husband may be worried about losing his job, but is he doing a job that meets his dreams? Is there something else he could do that he would find more fulfilling?

Happiness isn't selfish, it is so important and a life without it is somewhat wasted. Yes, we have to find happiness where we can (to some degree) but there is also nothing wrong with making huge alterations to our lives if it makes life a lot easier for us and our loved ones.

Could you (together) volunteer to assist adults with literacy and numeracy problems? Could you volunteer to offer respite to people who care for a relative with learning difficulties? Such pursuits would let you meet some fascinating people.

Anyway, point of my post is that maybe your husband is behaving the way he is because he can no longer see what he is missing, maybe he is mildly depressed (very possible with a different working situation). We assume he should be able to recall and see what he is missing out on with you, but if there is any level of depression then everything (even that which went before) will be viewed through the depression so he won't feel he is missing out.

Just a thought, but always worth investigating other causes.

Random x

Thank you RANDOM for your post and your ideas. I think one of the main things is not having family. He does, but, he cannot make them talk to him or have a relationship with him and that can be frustrating. So, with me also not having any family, our daily lives as well as future plans are all 'planned' around this loss. What I mean is, I have found it rare where a married couple our age have 'NO' family to share with each other. If there is a downfall in any circumstance (mentally or even financially) we are on our own! No support system whatsoever outside of our own relationship. One of our goals is actually to downsize. Unfortunately, we cannot do it unless our current home is sold. The market is not good and won't be for a long time (3-5 years if not longer). With that said, I am concentrating on that by finding things that need to be done to make it marketable and to make it the way we like it. Some home improvements will be done by professionals and others by my husband and I. You said, "It's amazing what we have all come to accept as just "part of life" that can fairly easily be resolved." In the above statement, can you please explain in this day and age what can easily be resolved? My husband has been at his fulltime job for 11 years and his part time job for 9. Him leaving one, the other or even both jobs and finding another one that is closer to where we currently live (because the housing market stinks and moving is not feasable now) is anything but easy. It is also not a smart thing to do in this economy. One thing we have to accept as just "part of life" and is "NOT" easily resolved is lack of family. P.S. "DH" means DEAR HUSBAND which is easier to use sometimes.