BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Teen SS- help!

I have a few issues in acclimating to my newly blended family with my stepson and was hoping for some advice. My DH allows 16 y.o. SS to come and go as he pleases between our house and his mother/SF's house. This is normally fine with me, but sometimes it is frustrating because when my bio-kids are with their dad, I am never sure if I will have DH all to myself or if I will have a teenager. I have literally locked up the house for the night just as his car is pulling in the driveway with no idea that he was headed over. I don't see this changing any time soon and it's really DH's position on the matter that established this as a norm. Herein lies problem #1- I cook almost every night and I never know how many I am cooking for. SS is a big kid and he eats double portions regularly. I have asked him to please let me know if he will be coming for dinner so I can make extra. He comes about 60% of the time, but there have been many nights I have prepared dinner for him where he will not show up. He thinks it is no big deal and I can just have left-overs if he doesn't show that he will eat later. Food is expensive though and I am not going to let it go to waste. I have pretty much had to set a hard and fast rule, no notice, no dinner unless you get lucky and there are left-overs, but you're taking your chances. I feel like the wicked step-mom, but what else is there to do? Problem number 2: SS stayed home from school very sick recently (he was staying with his mother and both had bronchitis) and DH gave him permission to run an errand during the day. While running the errand, his car started acting funny, so he stopped by our place for help. I came home and found him on my computer with a fever and a hacking cough spewing all over my keyboard. I found myself very upset with him and feeling like he was being extremely selfish and inconsiderate to the other kids in the house (who were healthy and getting ready to travel for spring break). Again, we have a difference in parenting styles here between DH and myself. I say if you are too sick to go to school, then you are too sick to leave the house. DH is a lot more laid back then me. So I told SS to use the towing package we bought him and have the car towed back to his mom's (she has made it clear that it is her car, so that is all I can do) and that he should stay there until he is well so he doesn't expose the other kids and have everyone sick on spring break. I said it as nicely as I could but of course was furious with me. My SD says it is because he was told that he could always come to our home and it was his home too. This is true, but I think there are limits when you have a sick house and a healthy house to go to and you have bronchitis. A day later, I sent him and email saying "Please don't take it personally, I just want everyone to be healthy in time for vacation and I love you, feel better." In response he ignores me and texts DH saying, "TJ tried to make it better but in the process came off as an even bigger b*tch then before. Next time tell her to just leave me alone for a few days until I cool off". This of course upset me greatly. I have been a part of his life for since he was 11 years old and I have been there for him in many ways and always loved the kid. His mother is semi-unreliable and I have filled the gap for her over and over again. The problems with SS really didn't start until DH moved in with me. Prior to that, he lived alone with SS and his mother had an apartment with her bf (now husband). I suspect that is where part of the resentment comes from. I think there may be a perception that me and my kids somehow stole him away, so coming and going as he pleases is a form of exerting control to prove that he is loved. DH has a lot of guilt over this, so when SS snaps his fingers, he jumps to please him. Anyway, I haven't seen SS since the sick day situation and subsequent terrible text message that followed. DH says he will handle SS when he finishes going through the stress he is going through (SS is going through an unknown phase) and not allow him to refer to me with that kind of disrespect. Any insight how to handle these issues is much appreciated. Thanks :)

Dear TJK,
I sincerely hope you will receive responses here that will be helpful to you as your frutstration is obvious.
My research combined with personal experience, shows the biggest obstacle to step parenting to be the conflict between parents. This may be bio/step or any combination thereof which demonstrates weakness in the family government.
Typically,one parent is utilizing a particular parenting style (I will post a specific article on parenting styles, soon) which is being rejected by the child in favor of that of the more lenient parent. This illustrates the importance of advanced planning of a unified strategy that the in-charge adults will embrace and carry out.
A child in a safe, caring and predictable environment will eventually do the acclimating.Parents with a committed and aligned objective will, over the long haul, endure and succeed.
Disagreements and fragile structure in the home are destined to create the "your kid, your problem" posture. It's human nature to protect ourselves.
On your own, you will find a way to manage your situation; however, together you can create a way to nuture this child and grow your future as a couple. God Bless your efforts and continue to seek wisdom.

Hi TJK I don't really have any solutions but I do have a similar situation to yours and I can offer some sympathy. My SS14 is kind of in the same situation in that his father is quite lax with him and I am on the strict side, so any resentment gets directed squarely at me - I am the Mean One. Also his mother is deceased but he spends alot of time with his maternal grandparents and he goes to stay there whenever he likes, and I am usually the last to know, after I have done the shopping for the evening meal. I think your rule of no notice, no eat is a good one, it's the only way they learn anything. The whole problem with stepparenting as I see it (after 6 years of it) is that there is no parent-child bond with stepparents and stepchildren and yet you are required to act in the parenting role. More often than not stepchildren resent your existence - you are never going to replace their lost parent (whether divorced or deceased) so you simply cannot win. You can do the best job in the world of parenting and they will still resent you, so the best you can do is grit your teeth and accept this, rather than make yourself feel bad all the time. I personally think I am doing a terrible stepmother job - I resent my SS for a plethora of reasons - but there's not much I can do about it. I can't make him like me or respect me or accept me. Hope this at least makes you feel better.

Hi TJK & glad you stopped by

This is so great a place to just vent.

In the oddest sort of order, when you said, DH will deal with things after the "stress" what is it referring to? Is it something at work or ex-wife or something just inside?

Divorce and step-anything is just huge stress. It really is. However, boundaries. Key to anything going forward.

A 16 yr old that has not 1 home but 2 to do as they please, well in the real world we're lucky to have just the one we can come home to, relax at times and call home. He hasn't learned this yet. Hasn't felt it in his own skin. The reverency of that safe "home feeling" this kid just doesn't have and it's seems it's on the verge if not all the way of tinkering around with manipulation. Will money factor into this at all or does it already?

The first part of your question is simple enough. Stop feeding him. If he can drive and come and go as he pleases, he can use a microwave or order a pizza or keep toast around the house or mac and cheese. Frozen dinners? Anything. This would elleviate some of the stress.