BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids LIFESTYLES OF THE CHILD-FREE

Volunteermatch.com put me in touch with a local shelter; I used to do one or two shifts a week as a dog walker. There are all kinds of different volunteering jobs out there. Spring and summer are coming up - my husband and I like to go to car and motorcycle shows - it's much cheaper than buying one, and it gives hubby his "mechanical" fix! If your interests are many and varied, I would recommend to you a book: 'Refuse to Choose' by Barbara Sher. A member on one of my Yahoo groups suggested it to me, and it changed the way I look at work, hobbies, and life in general. You might want to give it a shot! If you have a community college nearby, Continuing Education classes are often pretty cheap, they get you out of the house, and not only meeting new people, but LEARNING something, too! I crochet, cross stitch, draw, paint, read, make jewelry, do leather working, garden...I could go on and on. Sometimes, I have such a hard time picking out something to do that I end up doing nothing at all! :/ My project this year is growing heirloom tomatoes, and keeping a few houseplants alive. I'm also going back to school to get an Associates in Applied Science. I like doing a lot of things - and I wouldn't have it any other way! ~If you're still at a loss, pick something; anything. It's pretty cheap to get started in crochet or cross-stitch. I will sometimes give my handmade hats to a homeless charity here in town, or even sell (or barter) crochet goods to friends for a little extra cash. Don't act like you're boxed in, or in a rut - YOU ARE FREE TO PICK ANYTHING YOU WANT !

I do not think it is the point of finding something to do. I think it has everything to do with being married -vs- single. I waited until I was 38 to get married and make that type of commitment. Not everyone is perfect, but, you have to take the good with the bad. He is not an alcoholic, drug user, no criminal background, not an abuser, etc. He is a hard worker (which is rare in the unemployment era we are in) and not a bum (like some of my friends significant others). If I wanted to find things to do and volunteer ALONE, to me thats the single life and I would have not tied the knot. I am now married with a child-free lifestyle for which I want to share with my husband. Date-night was mentioned and we did have that. Every Saturday night we would go out to eat, etc. but for the past couple weeks, we have stopped. The cost of gas has skyrocketed along with other goods and services. My husband's work is a 1 hour, 15 minute drive ONE WAY! This has caused us to cut back significantly on other things. I will also check out that volunteermatch website.

Hi, we too live on a very tight budget. It is tough, when we see things we used to be able to buy, but we made the decision to have more time, less money, than work to buy 'things'.
( although things are great...;-D )

I would love an expensive motor bike,( like a harley ) but we both bought cheap second hand ones, and we take picnics and a flask out regulary, and as the bikes are cheaper to run than the car we have great fun, just poddling about in the countryside, or along the coast.
Plus, I got most of my bike gear off ebay ( eg.expensive helmet for �20 ) - ok you may have to save up, but I absolutely love the freedom of the bike, and we do it on the cheap as best we can.

If eating out is expensive where you are ( it can be here too, and we're lucky if we can get out once a month ) but we share cooking nights - candles, nice music, regularly, and also invite friends - we do turn, turn about, so it saves money in the fact that when it's their turn, our heating isn't on ! or they're buying the charcoal for the bbq.

I'm the same as Audrey, I can always think of 5 things to do if I get stuck ( that's why the housework is always last ! )
reading, writing, learning Greek on the free internet site I found, and gardening ( again, on the cheap as best I can, and it saves money with the veg I'm growing )
I too like cross stitch although again, it's quite expensive here.

As for things you can do together, it sounds like time is your enemy rather that good ideas, so you need to find special time together.
we are avid film buffs, and enjoy the same things ( thank heaven ) so cosy nights in with a bottle of wine, nibbles, snuggled up on the sofa are also a must for us.

Whatever you both enjoy doing together, just expand it a bit to make it more special.
we also take baths together regularly - you're right, if you're married, you really need to have a closeness, and together time is very important - otherwise, you're right, stay single !
Good luck finding the right thing for both of you.

StormChaser, This will sound like an obvious question, but have you and your husband actually sat down to "plan" your lives together? You say you don't want him to have to change anything - but of course stuff changes when you marry. And that married life needs to be planned just like anything else. And the problem when we don't plan is that people think everything is rolling along fine until it isn't. Try this: ask your husband to write down the three things he'd like from the marriage. You do the same. Than maybe three things he'd like to do with you on a monthly basis. Whatever the questions might be adjusted to your situation. Then sit down and compare lists. Sometimes it takes a formal discussion time to work at figuring out what you want. Everyone here has given you great ideas for volunteering and activities. There are a million more out there. But reading between the lines, I hear you saying not just 'I'm trying to figure out what to do with my time.' I hear you saying 'I'm trying to figure out what this marriage is going to look like.' And that is what you have to plan. Kim

[quote=phdkim]StormChaser, This will sound like an obvious question, but have you and your husband actually sat down to "plan" your lives together? You say you don't want him to have to change anything - but of course stuff changes when you marry. And that married life needs to be planned just like anything else. And the problem when we don't plan is that people think everything is rolling along fine until it isn't. Try this: ask your husband to write down the three things he'd like from the marriage. You do the same. Than maybe three things he'd like to do with you on a monthly basis. Whatever the questions might be adjusted to your situation. Then sit down and compare lists. Sometimes it takes a formal discussion time to work at figuring out what you want. Everyone here has given you great ideas for volunteering and activities. There are a million more out there. But reading between the lines, I hear you saying not just 'I'm trying to figure out what to do with my time.' I hear you saying 'I'm trying to figure out what this marriage is going to look like.' And that is what you have to plan. Kim [/quote] You are absolutely correct and your above idea in regards to writing stuff down and going over it with each other is something we will do. And to answer your question in regards to if we 'planned' our life together..we did somewhat. Since we got married later in life, both of our lifestyles, etc. are not as easily interchangable as those who are in their 20's if ya know what I mean. We are both set in our ways to a certain degree and we repect that. One thing my DH mentioned to me was that I never ask him to leave his job or do anything to interfere in that area of his life. My DH is old-fashioned in some respects and wanting to play the role of provider is no exception. Also, his 2nd job is part time and is union. In the future when he retires from his fulltime job, he would like to continue with his part time job because it is union and the benefits are excellent. Again, thanks for the ideas!

I actually value the husband as provider thing, but is he sharing the wealth? It sounds like you are really struggling financially? Does he have a tight hold on the purse strings or something?

[quote=misstalia]I actually value the husband as provider thing, but is he sharing the wealth? It sounds like you are really struggling financially? Does he have a tight hold on the purse strings or something? [/quote] No, I take care of the finances. We are not hurting financially like most but we are "STINGY" and frugal. My DH works in a field where many lay-offs and loss of production are due to sending the jobs overseas. He does not trust the economy or the government for that matter. Social security will be long gone by the time we retire (if we can) and who knows of our 401K's? Something else to consider that I mentioned in my first post is that both me and DH do not have any family. My DH has been disowned by his for a couple years now and my parents are deceased. I have a sister and niece but that has been a rocky relationship since our early years. We are, seriously, on our own! For example: My one neighbor who is 50 has no problem asking her elderly father for money to fix her car, pay bills, etc. whereas the last time I asked for anything like that from my parents I was 18!!!

If your husband was this busy before you were married, how did he have time to date you to the point that you got married? I do wonder his motivation to get married if he doesn't have any interest in you as a person. So, that is one issue... Also, not to put too fine a point on it but seeing you bemoan your fate as a lady of leisure during a massive natural disaster and lingering deep recession, isn't so sympathy-invoking. Sorry you can't afford that Harley, we'd like to get a Road King but have to pay bills. If you like animals, there are many who need love and care either by fostering or in the shelters. SO many needs out there you could help meet. Maybe if you got some worth from being outside the home, your hubby would seem more interested in you. If not, at least you are not dependant on him and would be less lonely.

If your husband prefers solitary pursuits, then you'll have to either become interested in them (not an easy task) or find interests of your own. Or, you can both sit down and brainstorm, to find some common ground.
A movie night or special home dinner night is a good idea for you guys to get more face-time. If you like cards or puzzles, set up a card table, and you both can go to town or in the case of cards, invite friends over.
Hubby and I are pretty much both solitary - and we like it that way. I'm bored to tears by mechanical stuff, and he has no interest in art or history. I occasionally help him with mechanical stuff when he needs me to (I was in the Marines, and I learned what all the tools in the box were). When I want to learn something mechanical from him, like how to put on snow chains (I grew up in FL for cryin' out loud), we found some common ground there. He asks me for help with grammar and spelling - so, we found some common ground there, too.
Of course, it can be just something to fill the time, like "Hey, let's go to the park and play frisbee." or "How about a walk?"
Think outside the box.

I see where family being deceased or in your husband's case family that doesn't speak can be an extra stressor. I'm sorry to hear about those things. Now, everyone is different but here's how hubby and I do things. We go by the old adage:"The husband's earnings belong to the family, and the wives are her own." I am frugal in certain ways as well. For example, I think it's not good to depend on two incomes to put a roof over your head; Our financial advisor supports this belief fully and told us that this is how many lost their homes. That being said, this probably isn't an option for many people with kids, but I'd bet a greater amount of CFCs can pull this off. I know a couple two massage therapists in AZ, they both work PT an spend the rest of their time together. No, they don't own a home, but they have great savings and spend tons of time together. That's a goal of mine. Anyway, here's how we do it: hubbys money pays for the main stuff. I work part time and feel fortunate that my job it's also my passion. My earnings go to savings or to special things that we do as a couple like travel or if hubby wants to go to a game, etc. It's a nice balance. My hubby takes pride in doing the whole "provider" thing and says, "you know you don't have to work." Yea right...if I wanted no car, no travel, no shopping. Then he says, " Oh, yea" lol. Maybe you can get funding to go to school for something? Find your passion! In return you'll have a sense of fulfillment, and perhaps some spending money. If your husband doesn't share your interests that's ok. You can pick up and do things on your own. Finally, I love reading. It's a cheap yet enriching hobby! Try it. Hope I helped.