BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage is it okay to come second or third to your husband

Its quite natural and nothing to worry about, obviously his mother with whom he has live for many years would come before you, and his work..Work is worship. LoLzz

I am first with my husband and he tells me this all the time. He is also first with me.

He is passionate about writing and is writing his 3rd novel. He's a bear with a sore head if he can't write every day. But he would give it up if I asked. Of course I wouldn't ask :-) And he does put it aside (to catch up on later) when life interferes.

Lori I am here with Dan right now for a few months. it's amazing to be able to touch someone for hugs and cuddles. I keep forgetting, actually, that I can do that now.

Those are good points about careers and relationships around the world and over time.

I have recently learned that I cannot put my husband first. He puts himself and his hobbies and interests first, so if I put him first as well, there is two of us putting him first and none putting me first. I think it's ok not to come first to your spouse as long as said spouse doesn't expect you to put him first.

I would have a bigggg problem if I wasn't first for my husband. Luckily I know I am, and he's also first for me. I wouldn't accept being 2nd or 3rd.

Lori:

Thanks for reminding me that there are "different" types of love. My challenge has been his family - ALL of them(lol). But as he grows older, I see he is "backing" up more from them as he is realizing that he is getting older and while we have our disagreements - we do care about each other. With me being 53 and him being 57 and only living together a year, it has been an adjustment - but as you stated, HE is worth it to me at the moment. I love the fact that we can come and go, no responsibilities except the 2 doggies - concentrate on our dreams, careers and so on. He also respects the fact that I do treasure my "peace & quiet" and so far, we have not had any "surprise" visits all hours and nights from the "drama" kings & queens in his family - yippee. He is getting older and no longer wants to be the one that everyone runs to when they need to be bailed out of some mess they created.

Jilly:

Thanks SO MUCH for being open about your situation, it has helped me in so many ways. I too was doing the "distance" thing, it was so hard. But it is possible. Some days I do miss being gone/lol - but do not want to not see him and the dogs for 6 LONG months like I did last year July to this year January. It would have been a lot easier if I could have afforded to visit. Missed the holidays and his birthday - not good at all.

Have an AWESOME day/night Bella Family!

My husband and I are both 64, been married 10 years and came together because of our similar view on God who I would say is 1st in our lives, but we try to treat each other with kindness and unconditional love.

Hi Susan - you said the important word UNCONDITIONAL - that is what I had to work on. When I was younger, it was like "I expected" something in return from the man in my life. Don't get me wrong, I will not be his "doormat" - but now do things out of caring and not "trading"... And yes, some days I have to really talk to myself to do this(lol). But it does CANCEL out whatever "negativity" that is in our household. You have proved, you are NEVER too old to find love - way to go. Thanks for sharing!!!

Oops. I have now dropped down below the sister in terms of importance.

We are actually not going to be married much longer. We are in the course of deciding who will take what.

I feel like every relationship is different. What works for one relationship doesn't have to work for the other. It depends on the couple. I have come second to my husbands family for a long time. I wasn't happy with it at all. It got to the point to where I was ready to leave. And thats when my husband realized that he had his own family to worry about besides his brothers and sister and now I think he loves me more than ever. The fear of loss is an amazing thing. I'm not trying to give anyone any ideas here. lol That won't work with everybody either. But seriously if it is an issue with you then maybe you should just talk about it and let them know how you feel.