BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids The emotional decision of remaining child free

Hi everyone. I am so glad I found this forum, I've really enjoyed reading all the different posts. My story isn't very different than others I've seen on here, so please bear with me while I vent and try to explain my feelings :) My husband and I have been married for 5 years, I am 33 and he will be 38 soon. Never thinking too much about it, we always figured we'd have kids someday. I have even been off birth control for the past 2 years--we haven't been trying exactly we just figured it would happen when it happened. And there have been a few moments, usually finding out friends are pregnant or cousins that I get so jealous. Holding a little baby I have definitely felt twinges of "I want this". I just don't want everything that comes along with it. Our dog got hit by a car this winter. She'll be ok but has been in a cast for the past 6 weeks and will need it on for a couple more. All of a sudden the extra responsibility of taking care of her, not to mention the very hefty vet bill that came from it has made us stop and really think about having kids. We were both honest with each other and admitted we had both been thinking we weren't ready. And we're not sure if we ever will be. We love traveling, and spending hours reading on the couch together--really we have fun just being together, doing anything. I would hate for anything to get in the way of that, or change it. We love talking about new and exciting places to move to and love that we CAN do that. We decided for now I would take the step of getting back on birth control and we'd re-evaluate in a year or two. My problem is that while I feel strangely exhilarated and liberated by the thought of being on BC again (at least for a while), I can't help but feel sad and guilty. Sad because I really have always loved babies (babies, middle and high school kids make me cringe) and while I never was one to dream of having kids, I just assumed I would someday. Now I'm just not sure that commitment and responsibility is for me. But I'm so afraid of regretting it. Also, and this may sound awful, but if anything were to ever happen to my husband, I feel like if I had a kid I'd at least have part of him? That sounds even worse out loud than I thought. I'm feeling guilty because my parents want more than anything to have a grandchild and have been waiting. They haven't been obnoxious or anything, I just know it would make them so happy and I feel like I'd be taking that away from them. Also guilty because the main reasons we don't want them is because we want to spend more time and money on ourselves... I guess what I am trying to spit out is, I have been surprised at what an emotional ride this has been, this beginning of choosing whether or not to have kids. I can't stop thinking about it, and I keep leaning towards not having kids but then I feel sad. But the thought of not having them and the amazing freedom that comes along with that thinking is equally exciting. How do I trust my gut feeling? I'd really appreciate any stories of your own decisions. All of our friends (who are in stable relationships) are having kids so there's not anyone I can really talk to. I'm so glad I found this board, so thanks in advance!

Hi Onthefence,

It's after 2am where I am so I'm a bit tired to give much of a response just now, but just wanted to say "don't feel guilty".

And I mean that for any of the reasons you give for feeling guilt. I actually like that you feel that twinge with a baby and yet you and your husband have had the common sense to stand back and take in the (much) bigger picture of what having a baby will entail. Too many people are just sucked in by the baby part. You say you don't much like older kids, well a baby will become that, so clearly best you give this idea more thought.

Let me point out that you do not OWE anyone grandchildren. Your parents had you because they wanted children. That was THEIR choice and this must be YOURS. That's not to say you won't get pressure from them, it doesn't matter, it has to be your choice and yours alone as it will be your duty to raise the child.

Worrying about regretting it is fairly normal for such a big life decision, whether or not you will is (I believe) more down to your personality rather than whether you ever decide you wanted children all along and find it is too late. Some of us realise that we make life what it is regardless of our circumstances, others wither in bitterness and regret. It's best to develop an all round attitude of never being the latter.

You say one of the main reasons is time and money, but it's also possible you are simply trying to verbalise a gut feeling of not wanting children. When you simply don't want them you find yourself grasping for reasons why not because you've been raised believing it's just what us women do. Obviously money and time will come to mind, but don't be hard on yourself because if you really do want a baby in the end then these two issues will disappear very quickly, they won't even factor into it. Even to those that think they are obsessed with money, possessions and branding, if they really wanted a baby they would do it anyway!

Off to bed soon, but just don't give yourself a hard time. What you and your husband have done is, I wish, something that ALL prospective parents would do. Give the matter some proper consideration, listen to your gut, and don't be pressured by anyone. Do what is right for both of YOU!

Well, after reading your post, I have to say this line really stuck out to me. Don't so many of us on this forum talk about the things we're thankful for and they often revolve around everything that raising a child entails. To me it seems as though you've answered your own question. "Everything that comes along with it" is what parenting is.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh, there's no "Like" button Misstalia :-D

Random, I feel the same about your post...lol. It was really good as well.

The line that stuck out to me the most was:

"middle and high school kids make me cringe"

but really, babies don't stay sweet little babies forever, they grow up to be middle schoolers and high schoolers and eventually adults. We all think puppies and kittens are cute, but some people don't hold any interest in them once they've become adult animals. This is because they lose that "cute factor" and become more like their suppose too. They come into themselves, I believe is the saying. I hate to say it, but babies are only cute for a little while, then they grow up, and with growing up comes change. Change not only physically, emotionally and personality wise as well, which I've noted some parents have a hard time transitioning from "innocent baby" to "teenager".

I often hear the line "they weren't always like that" but the fact is people change as they age. No one stays the same, this is most evident in our hobbies, we don't all retain the same hobbies we had as kids. Making mud-pies aren't nearly as fun, and playing marbles holds little appeal anymore. That's because we mature as we age, it's really that simple.

My biggest issue with kids is that they cost copious amounts of time and money (neither of which I want to sacrifice) and they grow up. Not to mention there are no guarantees with parenthood, which makes it even harder. There is no telling that all the time, money and effort that went into raising a child will "pay off" someday, in fact, as I see it, there is little pay off in the end. Though, I've always been rather certain I didn't want children. What's been hardest for me, is being alienated, but I suppose I should be use to that.

I do hope that you can eventually find peace in what ever decision you make.

This may sound absolutely crazy but IMHO it seems that you do want them more than you don't so go ahead and have one. Lol like you need my permission right? I say that because from your post you don't sound that convinced that you don't want any. You're afraid of change like most everyone else. I may be wrong but that's the vibe I was getting.

I guess I say this because I am looking at it from my perspective from your post. I've known well before I was 33 that I didn't want kids. Even growing up it wasn't something I ever pictured in my future for myself. And it wasn't even something I thought would happen some day.

For me it's not something to agonize or go back and forth about. You say you have felt jealous when people you know are pregnant well I have never in life been jealous of anyone's pregnancy or wished it was me.

You love babies and even holding babies evoke some type of positive feeling. I myself cringe at the thought

I have never felt sad or guilty that I didn't want kids. This I know for sure. For some people it takes more time to come to a decision.

I think what you should do to make absolutely sure is to just immerse yourself in babies for the next month try an experiment. If you know someone with a baby offer to babysit for them or put up an ad to babysit. When you go to the store seek out mothers with little babies and talk to them and make goo goo eyes at and hold every baby you can get your hands on.

Imagine it, visualize what it would be like. If you can 100% say this is not what I want for my life for the rest of my life then your decision is probably made. I don't have any answers for you it's just a suggestion.

I agree with all of the posts.
I must admit, I'm in the ' I love babies ! ' camp.
When my step daughter had hers, and we visited, I cuddled the babies all day and night.
Fast forward 2 years....the toddler stage has no interest for me, and I was pleased when our 2 days was up.

Fast forward a few more years when they were jumping on the sofa with their shoes, screaming for attention, 'fun kicking..' and wanting the latest gadget. well. Mmmmhh.

Hubby and I have had a long chat just yesterday, re another post here, and he brought up the following, about why he hadn't wanted them a second time around ;

- the juggling of work around every stage of the child.

- the lack of money - all your spare cash goes to the offspring til it's at least over 18 ( and even then, when she rang in her 20's, she was after money ! )

- the grandparents who loved babysitting a baby were suddenly 'busy' when it became older.

- the problem teenage years, and bad co. 'friends' then nightmare boyfriends.

I could go on, as he said ALOT - there was also the worry that they may be disabled in some way - but the main thing he said was you have to want them 100% - really desperately want them, to not have any time for yourself, or any hobbies for yourself.

Then he said children are a young persons game.
then qualified - children are a young persons game WITH MONEY, whose main focus is to have a child.

Of course, this is just my husbands experience of having a child ( and he wasn't happy with his 1st wife, although he stayed with her for the sake of that child til she was 17. so that may have been a factor.)
He also said there's nothing like having a baby. the buzz, the friends and family round all fussing over your new baby. - the coming in from work, with your daughter open armed shouting 'daddy.'

So it really depends on your focus.
As for the regret thing, if you don't have kids, there will be times, I think when it will be there. ( that's life, and it's natural for any route not taken )
I don't regret not having kids generally, but there are rare moments when I wish I'd had that experience.
Regret is a part of life for avenues not chosen.
You need to figure out all the reasons for and against, and wonder what you would regret more - losing the life you have now with your husband ? or not having children.

It's not easy if you're on the fence. you're doing right to think about it thoroughly.
It's all good advice from the others, and it will help you decide what's right for you.
Good luck.

What helped me face my own decision a month or so ago was this one important phrase from parents: "You REALLY have to want them." And I didn't. So I won't have them. Ask yourself this same question until the answer is yes.

Thank you, everyone for your responses. Thisiseasycash--the very thought of baby immersion for a month is horrible :) My 1 yr old neice visited a month ago and I love her to death, but was not sad to leave all the 'work' to her mom. My husband and I talked again yesterday and more than ever I think we are making the right decision, to at least put off any decision haha. We'll take the next couple years as they come and children aren't a factor for the time being. If that magically changes then so be it, but I am really doubting it will at this point. I feel a such sense of relief and feel like I can take control of my life again, instead of waiting for something to happen. Thanks again for everyone who took the time to reply, it really does help to realize I am not alone!