BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Could really use some input

I am turning 35 years old this year. My husband will be turning 46 next month. We got married last year and love each other very much. He has a 23 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I never wanted a child -- even since I was a child, I had felt this way. My own mother died when I was nine. And I am open to the possibility that my not wanting a child may stem from this. If things had been different, I might have not shut that part of myself down (if that is indeed what I did.) It is very confusing. I have never been great at decision-making (hello all my fellow geminis) -- and this is a HUGE decision. My husband and I have been dreaming of living in another country (actually an island on the coast of a Central American country) -- and have a 3-5 year plan to open a health and wellness center there. We want to be able to live a life that feel more "connected" to natural rhythm of things -- teach yoga, eat vegan, meditate, etc. However, I am reconsidering having a child. I just don't know if I would regret not doing it. And I know I would be a wonderful mother -- I feel I have a LOT of love to give and I enjoy the domestic side of life (cooking, keeping house, etc). There is no doubt that if I did decide to have a child, I would love that child incredibly. And the choice is mine to make -- my husband is open to it, but doesn't feel strongly either way. (Though I know his preference would be not having one.) His daughter just graduated college and his financial obligations have lessened (though he still supports her food bills, medical insurance, etc.) The kicker for me is this -- and this may sound completely crazy -- but I think I am okay with living child-free (so many other wonderful options to explore!)... but I know that if/when my husband's daughter has a child... well, that is really hard for me to think of. All these emotions come up -- and I think I will feel jealous (is that crazy?) and might end up resenting my decision -- or even resenting my husband, because he will have had the experience of being a father AND a grandfather. I don't have much of a relationship with his daughter and I don't see that changing very much. (Crazy ex-wfie, and his daughter is very loyal -- didn't even come to our wedding.) So I know I won't have much of a relationship with his grandchild. Plus, I know he'll end up supporting this child financially. And I don't want to begrudge this -- or think of how that could have been US raising a child together. Now I KNOW this isn't a good reason for having a child -- but I am very confused... And just wanted to get some advice / thoughts / feedback. This is all very much on my mind, as I feel as I'm at a crossroads right now. Any input would be appreciated. Thank you for reading!!! Also, I am new to this forum -- so "hello" to everyone.

Hello there and welcome! The decision to have or not a baby can be very hard!
I don't have much advice to give you except that you should decide soon because your husband is 46!! I mean, he might soon be a grandfather! The more you wait, the more he'll get old, but not only him but you too. 35 is not 20 or 25 so you don't have a lot of years ahead of you to decide to have kids either.

I hope you find "your" decision soon.

Hi Alexacat, and welcome to BellaOnline.

It seems to me that you feel having a baby would further bond you and your husband in love and life's commitments. This is a good thing. If you only wanted a child to feel more important in your husband's life, and not let his daughter fill that spot with a child of hers, then that is not so good. However, you did say you believe you will make a good mother and have a lot of love to give. It also sounds like your husband would be a loving father.

The choice is yours and you must follow your heart.


PS: edited to add this thought: If you had a child, and if your step daughter one day has a child, this could bring all of you together more as a family and you may find a good relationship with your step daughter in the future. This could be a very good thing for all of you, especially your husband. Giving your stepdaughter a sister or brother may soften her heart towards you. However, the main reason for having a child is because you truly want a child to love and raise. Too many children are brought into the world for the wrong reasons. Just follow your heart.

Hi Alex. My situation was exactly the same as yours.
- husband is nearly 11 years older. he had a daughter when he was 21 with his first wife. we are now 45 and 55 yrs. I will tell you our story, as it mimics yours ( as far as yours is up to...)

When I was 32 I decided I wanted a child. His daughter had just married and wanted a baby, and I was definately feeling left out of society, having the 'what's life all about' 'where am I going / doing with my life' etc. etc.
My husband didn't want another child, as he'd said he'd tried both lives, and would pick without if he had a choice again .. ...BUT he would do whatever I wanted, as he had found 'the love of his life, and wouldn't lose me for anything.'

So, I made him get a reversal of the snip. When I saw him coming round after the op I felt physically sick I'd made him go through it - what if something had gone wrong, and he'd been seriously hurt, or died ( ok, I was obviously emotional, but that was the first time I realized my desire to have a child was nothing compared to the life we had together.
It didn't work ( well, did, but they said it was unlikely )

So, next month I got checked out - all fine. The NHS told him he could also concieve ( we'd got the snip done private )
And then they told me I could have IVF starting then ( I was 33 at the time ) for FREE on a particular trial they had....

I didn't even pause for breath, I said no.
On leaving the hospital I felt elated I'd made the choice- which I think deep down I knew I didn't really want a child - but had been swayed by society / friends / situation, as it is tough being a woman , not having a child.
- I also felt lucky, the whole procedures had taken about a year, and I thanked heaven that I had not been able to get pregnant straight away, as I believe my life would have been worse. - And I don't mean about a child, as I know I would have loved it, and had wonderful times with it - but the life I have and have had is EXACTLY what I wanted.

His daughter, the following year, went on holiday and left us with her 5 month old boy. - absolutely gorgeous beautiful baby ( I love babies ) but OMG....It brought home to me how much I didn't want a child ( and he was an angel )
We didn't have a full conversation during the whole week. STRESS ? - and this was just one week !
I made him get up for feed etc through the night - we'd both taken time off work but were both knackered at the end of it.
( he was 46 at the time, and I also realized, he was just too old to be a dad. he was very fit, and still is, but a ten yr old at 56 ? I just couldn't see it.

We also wanted to move abroad, and have followed our dreams. we have a pretty wonderful life with the house / pool/ olive grove, that we'd hoped for, but know if I had kids could never have afforded - we'd still be working our buts off, paying for school, college etc.

Now, the emotional. You say you may you regret not having a child ? well, there are times I do. - think about it. It's only natural. To see a mother and child play together, I wonder what if...? at the same time, there is no deep desire to have one - it's just another persons life, enjoying HER situation, at that moment in time
BUT - you only have one life. We can't do it all. I always said I need at least 3 lifetimes to fill in everything I'd like to do. but I can't so I followed my heart, and that's what you must do.
Regularly we say how lucky we are to have our life not bogged down by children - his daughter now has 3 kids, and I know I couldn't have her life. - wouldn't want it.
I'm grateful the time his snip reversal etc took, gave me the year to think through what I really wanted.

that's why this forum is great - and would probably have helped me all those years ago. I know for me this child free life is right, but as for the 'perfect' solution ?
Know that there is none. there is always 'what if ?'
The secret is to think through all the what ifs and be honest with your situation and your true desires.
and all I would say is don't be swayed by others ( society, the possibility of his daughter having kids ) because others life often looks great from the outside, it's how happy you feel with your own life from the inside that counts.

shame we couldn't have a proper conversation,( with the hubbies as well ! ) but at least here you get lots of different points of view / circumstances, which should help you to know what you want deep down.
Good luck !

Gaynor, wow! Glad things worked our for you. Alexacat, you and your husband sound like really loving people but please don't let fear of the future granchild making you feel left out. The fact that you preceeded this comment with -this sounds crazy- show that deep down you know this. By the way that wellness center sounds great .

Another thing to keep in mind (in addition to all the wonderful advice above), is that choosing not to be a mother doesn't mean that you aren't able to have children in your life. You could be a Big Sister and help out a child who lost a mother like you did. You could foster. You could be an adoptive grandparent when the time comes. You can volunteer at a school or daycare or library or hospital. You can have fulfilling relationships with children regardless of your age and parental status. A childfree home doesn't mean a childfree life if you decide you want it. We all regret the things that we didn't do, even when we love our lives. I went right from college to graduate school, finishing my phd at 27. I love my job and wouldn't trade it for anything. But I do sometimes think about what I could have done with my life if I had gone out into the workforce and tried my hand at different careers. But those regrets are just part of making a decision. The paths we don't take and all that.

OP: I met my hubby at 35 and we got married at 37. I spent the next year or so being inundated with people who were pregnant or had little ones. Although we originally agreed not to have kids, we started to consider it and my hubs actually had a medical procedure in order to make it possible for us. Once he got better and we could try, I realized I didn't really want to. I realized that I had used his medical issue as a hedge from truly making a decision. Once that was taken away, I had to come to grips with my true feelings. Since you couch almost every pro-child statement with a disclaimer and you seem like you and your hubs have a life vision that includes being CF, I post the theory that you actually want to be CF and really are looking for validation that it's an acceptable choice. Congrats! Consider yourself validated and go give people some great care at that clinic, what an opportunity!!!

I love your 3-5 year plan! I would be interested in hearing what sort of credentials you have and plan to obtain in order to make that wellness center happen. We have the makings of an opportunity to utilize some property on the beach in a Central American country and I would love to do something like what you're talking about if the area isn't too saturated already. I haven't been there in a few years so it's hard to tell what has popped up.

As for your dilemma, I think you should just stick to the original plan full steam ahead. I have never second-guessed my child-free decision even though I flip flop on many other things in life such as interests and jobs. Kids are one of those things you can't undo once you've done it. While everyone tends to love their own kid, it's not something you need to put yourself through if you're not 100% invested in it from the start.

In the meantime I think you could try being a girl scout leader. That seems like a fun thing to do involving kids.

[b]Gaynor [/b]-- Thank you for sharing your story. It is so refreshing to connect with someone who has been in the same situation as myself. I am happy to hear things worked out the best they could for you. And you know, after posting and just getting it all out there in writing -- then reflecting on it (I don't know why but yesterday I was just obsessed with this whole issue. I am pms-ing, so maybe that is why)... when it comes down to it, I am fairly positive that not having a child is the right path for me. And my husband... like yours, he is physically fit, but he is not getting any younger. We're at a point in our lives that the world is wide open to us -- and it is an exciting place to be. I think I somewhat made peace with my emotions about his daughter someday having children. (I'll see to what extent if/when that happens.) But basically if I am happy with my life and my choices, then I won't be inclined to jealousy. So the thought of not having children actually has made me more inspired to MANIFEST what it is I really want in life -- because if I'm deciding to not experience the incredible journey of motherhood, I better be damn sure the "road less traveled" is fulfilling and loving. [b]Catluvgal[/b] -- I like your observations about my post. I do believe you are correct! :) And to [b]phdkim[/b] & others who suggest volunteering, etc. -- I like the thought that child-free life doesn't mean child-less. That is an interesting way of looking at it. LOL the funny thing is... I am SO not inclined to lead a scout troop or volunteer at a daycare, etc. (The Big Sister thing is appealing though... I might look into it. I finally am somewhat settled geographically for the time being, but travel constantly. And committing to a "little" is a life-time commitment, or at least an extended / dependable one. I will look into though!) [b]Ellavemia[/b] -- nice. We should talk. I'm new here, don't know much about functionality, but assume their are IM's or something? Thank you to everyone who responded, even I didn't directly mention your name. I enjoyed all perspectives. I am feeling much more clear and centered about this. And actually feeling INSPIRED by my decision not to have a child. heh, my poor husband. I put him through the wringer yesterday with this topic. And just before we feel asleep, out of left field, I mentioned to him about getting snipped. Not sure his dreams were pleasant after that!

Alexacat, you seem much more sure about your decision and confident that your life will be great. I am happy for you that you are looking forward to your future. I wish you and your husband all the best, with great success in your business venture.