BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Sometimes love is so so hard...

Zombiecandi, MY man is half-Italian :-D I totally get where you are coming from and boy am I glad it's only that his father is Italian (his mum is English/Welsh).

I don't want to speak out of turn because I know you love this guy but I was really quite disgusted at how he's treated you from the outset. The dating site ask these questions for a reason and for him to lie, or to change his mind at some stage and not think to change it on his profile (or let you know prior to your first date) just isn't fair on any potential girlfriends.

It would be great if we could just go about not admitting how we feel about having children and just sliding into relationships with men and it all working out fine not having kids, but I have never been anything more than 100% honest on the subject and it sounds like this is the same with you? Why then should anyone refuse to be honest with us? Why is it okay for a man to think he will change your mind? And his comments about chopping his dick off were just totally offensive. This isn't about him thinking it's okay to practically badger you into having a child you don't really want, this is about a potential child and its needs, not the potential parents' wants.

I met my partner before his sister had a child (the first, and it will be the only, of his siblings to produce a grandchild for his parents) but she was already heavily pregnant. When I met him he knew I didn't want children, he didn't really have an opinion on the matter, he assumed it was something he would probably do some day because it's just what people do. But, in saying that, he didn't believe he would ever meet anyone who would fall in love with him so he had planned his life being entirely single and, so, without children. He hadn't really considered his own thoughts on the matter of children though. Obviously this being 'what people do' is especially true of Italian families, and despite his dad (the Italian in the family) having left his mum to do ALL the raising of the children his dad is very big on the 'whole family all together' type scenario!

As we started chatting lots (before we got together) it became clear that he really didn't particularly want children but he just thought it was what people do. So I was worried about when his nephew was born. I needn't have worried, his nephew has solidified in his mind the fact that he doesn't want children at all. Don't get me wrong, he loves his nephew, but his nephew is a human being to him, he has no interest in the child aspect of his nephew, his nephew is just a person. I am sooooo glad! We got together and with having a girlfriend and attending weddings and parties etc as a couple, he has now become aware of just how much people assume you will have children and he is becoming rather hacked off (as I have always been) at the ridiculous assumptions people make and the way they speak to and treat childfree people. Having a girlfriend has allowed him to see how childfree women are treated and it has certainly been an eye opener for him.

So it is very possible for Italian men to not want children although I think, given the culture, they are even more indoctrinated to believe that having children is 'the norm' and they will miss out if they don't follow this norm.

Anyway, as others have said there is no conclusion to your story. All I can say (having left a husband upon getting fed up with the nastiness from his family around me not wanting kids) is there is no point trying to continue a relationship if he is definitely going to want kids further down the line and you are definitely against the idea. You will get to the separation point feeling that you let yourself down by wasting years with a man knowing it could never work in the end.

Sorry, but I can't see it any other way. If he is sure he wants kids someday and you are sure you don't then it's best to split before getting in even deeper :-(

Zombiecandi,

I want to thank you for sharing your story.

Skyelaw,

I would like to thank you for giving everyone here a first-hand example of the rude comments and unethical treatment that child-free people tend to encounter. If you think a woman not wanting to have children is odd, you have no business posting here. Any questions, please refer to the Married No Children forum rules.

I second Marie's comments on Skyelaw, you have obviously lead a very sheltered life not to encounter any childfree women before! Please stop posting here. And as to the person who suggested that Zombie "leave the decision up to God", well, I respect that you have religious views but if everyone did that, we would all be living like the 3rd world and the planet would run out of resources to support us. Zombie - I totally sympathise with your situation because I've been there myself and it cost me my marriage. I've said this before to others on this forum - DO NOT assume that not talking about this now will somehow magically make this problem between you disappear. It will only get harder as time goes on to deal with it and deal with it you must. I'm sorry to say but I don't think he will change his mind and you would be a fool to be pressured into having kids. It sounds like you are both quite young and well, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Good luck.

Waow, I had missed Skyelaw's comments.

That's so sad that women are still getting married just to have children, what about love? Your spouse is meant to be the most important person in your life and that is something to get married for (if you wish). But getting married just to have children is wrong, love must be the biggest driver.

As for being a rational person meaning you would have children, this completely flies in the face of all evidence. The evidence we have is that women who study rational and logical subjects, women whose brains excel in maths and physics etc. are less likely to have children. Indeed, the higher your intelligence, statistically the less likely you are to have kids.

Some women are ruled by an animal urge, others of us have evolved beyond being ruled by our animal urges, we are able to weigh up the facts around a decision and make that decision for ourselves. That is the sign of logical and rational people, obeying an animal urge is the complete opposite.

[quote=firegirl] Zombie - I totally sympathise with your situation because I've been there myself and it cost me my marriage. I've said this before to others on this forum - DO NOT assume that not talking about this now will somehow magically make this problem between you disappear. It will only get harder as time goes on to deal with it and deal with it you must. I'm sorry to say but I don't think he will change his mind and you would be a fool to be pressured into having kids. It sounds like you are both quite young and well, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Good luck. [/quote] I completely agree. Sweeping it under the rug and not facing it is only going to make it worse when you eventually have to deal with it and realize you spent too much time with someone who wants something very different out of life. I speak from experience too.

I agree Isis, all it does is delay the inevitable and make it harder when the time comes. Also speaking from experience here, my ex-husband constantly tried to just sweep issues under the rug instead of facing them and by making him face them I was 'nagging' :-D