BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Sometimes love is so so hard...

hello everybody :) this is my first post and let me say that I was so relieved and astounded that there are more people with the same views, beliefs and opinions on this subject. since everyone likes to share their stories, i'd like an opportunity to share mine. i've been in relationships before but all of them ended badly (not because of the child topic but other things) and i was treated badly. after i felt i was ready to give love another go, i decided to go after my own destiny by signing up on the eharmony dating site. as you know, there are a million questions to answer so the system sorts you out to find your most ideal matches. two of the questions were: 1. Have kids? 2. Want kids? i replied NO to both of them, hoping to meet a guy with the same beliefs as me. after only 3 weeks, i found a wonderful guy. he was everything i wanted on a personality and physical level. and on his profile, it said NO to both those questions. we started dating and things were great. after about 2 months of dating, we were having a normal conversation that suddenly shifted into the kids topic. he said something along the lines of "if i have kids, i'll blah blah blah..." i was stunned but conversationally replied back that i could never see myself being a mother. he replied, "oh," and sounded surprised but he said he admired me for knowing what i wanted in life and that i wanted my path to be different than most women out there. at that time, we had only touched on that topic briefly and i thought we were okay on the status of that topic (considering what both our profiles said). more time passed and one night we were eating dinner. the same conversation came up and i confirmed more firmly that i didn't want children to be apart of my future. he asked me, "so you really don't want to have them at all? what about adopting?" i couldn't believe what i was hearing. he then proceeded to tell me how much he loved kids and being around them. he says deep inside "he's a big kid" and being around kids reminds him of how much fun it was when he was one. he also said that after we had our first conversation on this subject, he talked with a friend and asked THEM, "she doesn't want to have kids, is it a red flag?" his friend replied, "no, it's not. it's an orange flag, so give it a chance." WHAT DOES AN ORANGE FLAG MEAN????? so anyway, i confirmed once again that i didn't want children. he said okay and that no one should make me feel like i should have them if i don't want them. he even said there are tons of people out there who don't have children and made the choice and are completely happy. that was the end of that conversation. again, more time passed and the topic surfaced again. i suddenly felt pressured because after meeting his parents, sister and sister's fiance, i had a feeling that they would expect children....especially his italian mother. suddenly i started thinking of these scenarios--his sister is getting married soon and she's going to have kids. he's going to see that and will want to have them and try to get me to have them. and when i say no, he'll start to resent me. i brought this to his attention and we had a third, more strained conversation about it. basically, he said that ever since our second conversation, he admitted that he "felt different" about me. that he "didn't feel the same way" as he did about me at the beginning of our relationship. he said he still loved me and wanted nothing more than to be with me...but now it was "just different". it's like, he was in the relationship but not all the way in because my decision bothered him. i told him that this was a decision i made long before i met him. i brought it up that it was CLEAR on my profile and HIS profile. i asked him WHY he continued to date me. he replied, "because i fell in love with you and thought if you fell in love with me, then you would change your mind." i felt deceived. on the flip side i was already so in love with him at that point in our relationship but i had made a decision. he said that he was trying his best to accept it but it hurt him to know that i didn't want children. BUT, he also admitted it was naive of him to think i would change my mind--he said he set himself up for that. one of the other things he said was, "you telling me that you don't want to have children is like you chopping off my dick" and "you might as well just use a dildo". it hurt to hear those comments. but he continued to say that never once did he think about breaking up with me, even though i told him that maybe we should end it so he can find someone else to give him what he wants. he was so against that option because he loved me so much----so much so, that he was trying his best to accept my decision and make a sacrifice. and he said that if he were to have kids he didn't want to have them with anyone else, only with me. eventually we were getting nowhere with the discussions and both of us weren't feeling great because we didn't agree. it came to a point where we we fighting about other things and it became a huge ball of stress, so complicated and tight. after we both talked to my cousin, we were able to work through the mess, calm down and start talking again. i guess you could say, we made peace and made up. near the end of the conversation, he put a hand on my chest and said, "i'm not going to make you do anything or force you into anything." he said something else and then said, "until you're ready." i know we made up and the feelings were good but that last line he uttered made me think that maybe he still hopes that someday, no matter how late or how long it takes, maybe i'll change my mind. after that, we didn't talk about it anymore. things are very good between us right now and i love being with him. and i know he loves me. however, i know that the conversation isn't done. i know there's no compromise for this. i know on another day further down, we'll be having this conversation again. perhaps it's wrong that i don't want to keep bringing it up because things are so happy. i guess i'm afraid. he tells me that he's "fully back in our relationship" and he apologized for "putting me through that"---i guess he meant, putting me through the whole "i-don't-feel-the-same-about-you" schtick. the way he talks about children, it's like he admires them. but i don't think he really truly knows how hard it is to have children. he says that he knows it's hard but does he really know that? he said that he's pictured both of us together in love and having kids. he says we'll have the kids but we'll spend time together and do what we used to--make love, eat, drink, whatever. the way i see it, is that the fun we have together--our entire world as a pair will change utterly and completely and we'll NEVER have what we have now EVER AGAIN. i've always loved it more when it's just the two of us. in fact, i'd rather have just us than us as the couple spending time with a group of people. or maybe i'm just so selfish a person, that i don't want to share him with a child.....that sounds horrible, even to me....but it's the way i feel. anyway, i just needed a place to vent and release my fears and worries. i've talked to my cousin about this but she doesn't help too much because she's pro-baby. i needed a place where people understand. i'm really glad i found this place. on a lighter note, sorry for the novel LOL!

hi there - my advice to you is if you dont want kids dont get married, ive personally never heard a woman say she didnt want kids? this is a new one on me. all women get married for is for to start a family and live happy, what do you want a man for is it just lust? or is it company? or are you scared to have a child. if you are a rational sort of person you wouldnt think like that but as im not an expert or a councellor then i cant comment really, but ive never heard of this before. if a woman said that to me i would disappear quickly.

Firstly, SKYELAW - this is a place for people to share their thoughts on this issue, not their prejudices. If you read this forum you will find that there are many women who do not want children and are happily married - the two are not mutually exclusive, if anything they don't go together in most cases!

Hi zombiecandi - first it seems really strange he put the no-kids issue so definitely on his profile, have you asked him about why he did that? It's perfectly natural (if not in the majority) to not want children. I think the last statistic I saw was that 12% of British women are childfree through choice.
If you are totally happy in your decision not to have children then you shouldn't compromise. There is no half-way point with kids, you either have them or you don't and your life would be irrevocably changed if you did.
The comments from your partner you mention seem as though he can't separate marriage from marriage-and-kids. I can't really advise anything more than honestly talking and finding out 1. what he really feels on the issue and, 2. why he put that on his profile in the first place if he does feel differently. Whatever the outcome you need to understand you are not abnormal for feeling like this, you do not need to compromise your way of life for anyone and, above all, do not even think about having a baby unless YOU want one!
PS. Have you heard what his family think at all? I have a Catholic mother-in-law who turned out to be surprisingly understanding and just said it was our decision.

[quote]hi there - my advice to you is if you dont want kids dont get married, ive personally never heard a woman say she didnt want kids? this is a new one on me. all women get married for is for to start a family and live happy, what do you want a man for is it just lust? or is it company? or are you scared to have a child. if you are a rational sort of person you wouldnt think like that but as im not an expert or a councellor then i cant comment really, but ive never heard of this before. if a woman said that to me i would disappear quickly.[/quote] Unbelievable that some people still have this attitude. So what about people who were born sterile? The shouldn't get married either because they can't have children naturally? Having children is not the only reason to get married. Sheesh!

Hi Zombiecandy & welcome

Yey, these places are GGRREEAT for venting, novels or not. I appreciate the time you took in sharing it all really.

I guess my first question for him would be, in his profile he said "no" to wanting or having children. What were his reservations back then? You might have a good opening for sharing what yours are.

I do have a daughter but I was terrified I would be a horrible mother. Having more and looking at parents these days and society, I would have reservations again. It's a serious decision. It's not like picking out a puppy at pet store, but so often woman gush over how having a child makes them feel and look and when the fantasy bubble pops, reality sets in.

Having children with someone you love is WAY better than having children with someon you don't. But, not everyone wants to explore life through the eyes of having children. Sometimes they just want to explore the world with their best friend and love.

I thinks the fact you're talking all this through shows tremendous maturity, even if the conversation can get heated.

Do you already know what your adversion is to children? Mine was a difficult childhood and a brother that is mentally disabled that lived with me when it became too difficult for my parents. Your boyfriend/fiance may enjoy exploring that with you which may help him understand your feelings on a variety of levels.

I can't believe his profile said that and then he pulled a 180...perhaps he was thinking along the lines of have/want them NOW? Anyway, I hope it can work out for you if not let me recommend no kidding it's a group for singles and couples with no kids who don't want kids...etc. There are also childfree dating sites from what I have heard...the internet is so good for childfrees!

Oh and to SKYE, Childfree by choice people get married to celebrate the love they share with their significant other and show loyalty to each other, and build a life...enjoy sharing love...etc. WHY ELSE WOULD WE GET MARRIED?

Zombie, your story is interesting but it does not concludes anywhere, and after reading, it makes me feel and think again again and that eventually what will be your decision. I don't understand how are you handling all this. I think you should leave all this to god, and may be your decision will change in future.

Drop him now. Don't keep wasting your time. There are so many men out there, you should never settle for one who isn't the perfect match for you.

@Capybara: thanks so much for your listening ear. this is something that's been bothering me in the background for awhile even though right now our relationship is on a good note. we've talked about it a lot in the past but i'm sure there's going to be another one of those sometime in the future. yes, i agree it was contradictory of him to put NO on his profile and he saw that i said NO on mine, so i have no idea why he continued to see me. even love can delude you into thinking you can change a person's mind. anyway, his mother is one of those typical italian mothers--catholic (i'm one too), and says whatever is on her mind no matter how inappropriate or rude. when i met the family, his mother told me that her husband never wanted kids either and that she had to twist his arm to get kids. so yes, she's very pro-kids. my boyfriend and i have never discussed this subject with any members of his family. we're private that way. also, i believe that if i'm not willing to have a child, i don't want to bring it into the world, unwanted and unloved--at least i know that. @Eleise - Clairvoyance: thank you for your thoughts and kind words. my boyfriend probably stated NO on kids as something he felt then and there. there was no option on eharmony that said "eventually" or "later". he says we're not even financially ready to get married yet and he doesn't want to have kids when we're not prepared to. both of us are still in our first jobs after post-secondary. i've never felt really comfortable around children and babies--just really really awkward. it's not like i hate them but i don't like them either. i don't like the notion of 24/7 responsibility, the constant crying, the loss of time and attention from my partner and the loss of my body--which i work very hard to maintain through exercise and eating. also, i love wearing designer shoes and carrying designer bags. i grew up as an only child and i was never really around babies. even though i made friends with kids my age, i never wanted to hang around younger kids and babies--i found that i didn't know what to do with them. also, i'm asian and from a very very strict asian family. my freedom was always limited and restricted through grade school, high school and university. having a baby will feel like i'm being put into another cage. i've explained all these things to my boyfriend and he contemplates on them. and i appreciate him trying to take it all in. he does listen but i don't think he understands fully. @misstalia: yeah, i can't believe it either but i agree with your reasoning on that he probably didn't want to have them NOW. thanks for recommending the group. i'll keep it in mind :) @Kaycee Will: no, it doesn't conclude anywhere...yet. the way i'm handling it is pretty much still going with the flow but still having it at the back of my mind. not the best, but i'm not the only one on this board that's taken that approach. it's easier said than done to just walk away from the person you love. it's especially hard to walk away from him because he's the only one that's ever truly treated me well and no matter how crazy i drive him with other stuff, he said that breaking up with me has never crossed his mind. also, i was single and dating for 5 years before i met this guy. it's took so long to find somebody and now the notion of letting them go still breaks my heart. it's really hard but we'll see. @lovely_rita: i've considered your point of view many times but trust me, it's really really different to say it than to actually do it. i have that in common with a lot of other women on this board.