BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Struggling with this decision!

I just found this forum and am so glad! I am 32 and have been married for five years. My husband and I always said we didn't want kids, but now his siblings are starting to have kids, and I think he is changing his mind. I was afraid this was going to happen. All of our friends have kids, and it has become a bit lonely! The decision is so hard. I do not have much family so the fear is that when I am older I will regret not having children. I just don't feel that biological clock at all!! I like being free. How do I know I will love being a mom?? My husband LOVES his nieces, and we are going to be getting a new nephew any day now. I just have never been one who likes kids. I know that sounds awful! I know my husband wants me to be a more involved aunt, but it is different for me. They are HIS siblings' kids. It is different when it is not my actual family. I love his family and feel like they are my extended family, but it is just different. I never have had much family in my life so this is an adjustment. I wish I could honestly love being around my nieces, but I am just not a fan of kids. I feel horrible about that. I should be embracing this family, as like I said, I really don't have one besides my parents. The decision to not have kids is so hard, again because of my lack of family. Anyway, it is so nice to have this forum to see that I am not the only one who feels like I want to live a kid-free life. I just hope I don't make a decision I will regregt one way or another. I wish I was normal and just wanted kids like everybody else I know!! Thanks for any advice!

First of all, stop beating yourself up for not liking kids. No one here thinks you are awful. It is just how you are. In fact, there is some evidence that maternal instincts are rooted in biology. So it's like you are beating yourself up for having a certain color eyes or hair. You also have to let go of the idea that you aren't 'normal.' You are who you are and that is normal for you. Once you stop judging yourself, you might find the decision easier. As far as regrets, of course you might have regrets. We often regret paths we don't take. When you close your eyes and say - I never want to be a parent - how does that feel? When was the last time you said that out loud to your spouse? How did that feel? Has he actually said he's changing his mind or are you projecting? My husband and I have a standing appointment to discuss the issue seriously every five years. We talk, agree that we largely loath children, and move on. The thoughtful women I know who are mothers tell me the pull to have kids was really strong, that they knew their lives wouldn't be complete without this experience. That is a pull I've never felt and one of the reasons I'm secure in my decision to remain child free. Do you feel that all-encompassing pull? Ever? Occasionally? And don't forget, the path of involving children in your life is never entirely closed. Let's say you reach 50 and suddenly discover you desperately want children in your life. There's volunteering, fostering, and even becoming an adoptive grandmother to a kid who doesn't have one. The door to loving a child will never close, even if you don't have biological children. In the end, your life is your normal. Talk to you husband about what he wants. Listen to your heart. No one gets a life without any regrets, we just do the best we can to live the best life we can. Hang in there.

Wow, Kim. That was such a well thought out, articulate response. I applaud your response.

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate this forum, and being able to relate to other people who don't want kids. My husband says he doesn't necessarily WANT kids, but I just think with his siblings starting to have them it makes him think about the idea more. We have a wonderful marriage and love being able to travel, go out to eat, work hard, etc. I just think it is that little voice that maybe I am missing a huge part of life if I don't have children. My mom thinks I would regret it, as I have always had that hole in my life with regard to not having family. She thinks it would give me that sense of belonging that being a part of a family gives you. I think she thinks I will regret it when I am older. I guess; however, it is better to live life in the present. Presently I am enjoying life without children, and that is all I can go by. Thanks again for your advice! I really appreciate it.

Please stop feeling weird or "wrong" for not wanting to have kids! Can you at least agree that not EVERYONE on this planet is cut out to be a parent? Good, that's a start *lol*. Can you see how many people who are out there now who are clearly NOT cut out to be a parent, yet ARE one anyway? Scary, isn't it? Yes, there is a possibility of regretting the decision to not have kids, but I'll take that any day over the regret in deciding to have them! What would you do if that were to happen? No "return policy" exists on having children *lol*! Having a kid ON THE HOPES you'll love it is the dumbest gamble you can make in your life. Yet, sadly, it's something I see happen everyday. And the stakes: the child's happiness. Gambling. Based on a FAIRY TALE. Wow. I have asked myself if I would ever regret not having kids, but I look back and see my pull against having them was so strong, it runs a cohesive thread in my life starting all the way back when I was 8 years old. Of course, people laughed and thought I was a dumb kid who didn't know what I was talking about and that "I'll change my mind when I grow up." Yeah, well...I'm 31 now, can my decision NOW be taken seriously? *lol* You can always get your kid-fix (if you have one) without having your own. Working in daycare (now THAT is a TRUE test of whether or not you want to have them *lol*), volunteering to spend time mentoring a tragically UNDER-parented (or even abandoned or abused) child. And if you ever feel like you may regret the decision to not have kids, go visit an old people's home...where you'll find plenty of grandparents & great-grandparents who want to be in their children's (and grandchildren's) lives, but were discarded and rarely get to see them (if ever)and are crazed with loneliness and starving for attention... And to think, a great number of these people had kids so that "they could have someone to take care of them when they got old". Aint that rich??? It really stinks that your husband changed his mind on you. I sort of went through the same thing myself (it didn't end well, I ended up leaving him...well, I sent him packing *lol*). I've done some thinking, and I've arrived to the conclusion that (when that day comes and I'm ready to date again), perhaps it's better to date a dude who already has kids...That way, 1)the pressure's off me and I can live freely with my decision to never get knocked up and 2) the odds of him playing the ol' switcharoony (that my ex-husband played on me) will be significantly less (IF AT ALL!!). And hey, if I ever do get a kid-fix (not that I've ever felt one *lol*), there already is one to practice being around *lol*. Maybe that'll work for you too if your marriage doesn't work out...Not that I want it to fail :.S

And I DEFINITELY know how it feels to feel alienated and lose friends because they "change" on you after they have kids and you have nothing to talk about anymore! That's why it's important for us childfree to stick together *lol*! And hey, if you want...revisit that friendship in a few years, as there'll come a time when they get sick of their kids and will be DYING to talk to (or about) someone who DOESN'T crayon the walls and poop their pants! Or wait a few more years...they'll be DYING to talk to someone who DOESN'T slam the door in their face and who is willing to speak words OTHER than "yeah", "no" and "I hate you"! I, for one, don't exclude friendships strictly to childfree people (I used to a long time ago)...A number of my friends have kids (some of them envy me...and a precious few even admit it *lol*). I like keeping mixed company whenever and where ever I can. I always say: hanging around too many like-minded people too much of the time stagnates the mind!

[quote=lotsakits] I just think it is that little voice that maybe I am missing a huge part of life if I don't have children. [/quote] Where is that voice coming from? Your feeling of guilt in disappointing your mother? Societal pressure? The need to find and nurture your identity manifesting itself in a misguided way? Have you asked yourself this? [quote=lotsakits] My mom thinks I would regret it, as I have always had that hole in my life with regard to not having family. She thinks it would give me that sense of belonging that being a part of a family gives you. [/quote] Uh-oh! BIG red flag here! *BUZZ!!* Perhaps it IS a misguided attempt to find your identity! If you truly feel you have a "hole" in your life, please don't make the mistake of so many others and look OUTSIDE yourself to fill it...be it a habit, a substance, or a person (be it a romantic partner or child). The "you complete me" idea is utter BS and is a fairy-tale MYTH!!! NO one can complete you! You're not 1/2 a human being! So, that said, nothing external can fill whatever "hole" you're feeling...it starts with you, the answer IS you...NOT a physical object, not another person, not a friend, parent, husband or child. I also call BS on the idea that being in a family gives you a sense of "belonging". Again, that's projecting the responsibility of your identity onto someone else. It's up to you on where you belong in the world and who belongs WITH you...Limiting your parameters to a biological domestic family limits you...you may not even be aware of that. Not to mention, that's a mighty big (and UNDUE) burden to place on an unborn child, don't you think???

I had to unload about this same thing when my hubby and I were out to dinner last night. My husband normally doesn't care about me unloading about a lot of things, but he will listen to me all day long about my woes with maternal friends (and that's why I love him so much!!!). These days I feel like I am being ignored by my friends a lot simply because a lot of my life issues deal with work, and these women only seem to understand "kid" issues (even though I know some of them worked in another past life).

Sometimes all you can do is find a way to laugh about it. I tell my husband that I will be one of those wrinkled, gray-headed ladies that likes to own sports cars and ride motorcycles! It seems that the older I get, I don't seem to care as much what people think.

I'm not married but honestly I've often felt bad for not really "liking" children in the way most people do. In that they like to interact and find them amusing and charming, child-free or not. As I got older the guilt that I just wasn't a child person was pretty back breaking.

It wasn't until I stopped using the people around me as a guideline for how I should behave and act and started just letting myself be who I was. I stopped feeling guilty when I realized that we're all individuals, and we don't all have to enjoy the same things.

I realized if I started imitating the motions of other people, I was doing a serious disservice to myself. It was basically lying not only to others but to me. When I realized I was watering down who I really was just so I could be accepted into society, it hurt, a lot. It hurt worse than I could ever have imagined it would hurt.

After this realization I started letting myself be me, the person who likes Pokemon/Anime, who doesn't like children, and who is fat and jolly. The me who didn't fear death but decided if I didn't start living, when I did die, I'd regret my life.

Be true to yourself, don't just go through the motions everyone else is to satisfy them. Be honest to your husband as well, he deserves to hear how you feel. He's not going to be able to read your mind, you need to speak up and be straight forward with him. Ask him about his needs, and assure him not to be afraid to be honest. If he really want's kids, it's better you know now, than to find out 4 years later that it's been festering inside him. The same goes for you, don't let something like this fester, it'll only get infected and then there is no helping it.

You're far from weird, and you're far from abnormal, you're just you and that's the only person you ever need to be.