BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Probably going to lose my marriage

If you don't want to do all the work then you have every right to suggest that your husband be the main carer. It would be interesting to see his reaction to that idea. It may cause him to give proper thought to whether he really does want children. Maybe he wants them but just not enough? This is pretty good advice. I would add that the two of you have a talk about the details of him "helping". Ask him what that means to him, and tell him what that means to you. For instance, does it mean HE gets up for the night feedings? Does it mean he's responsible for breakfast down the road, or he changes diapers on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays? I mean...really talk about the details. Will he take the kids out once a week so you cn have down time? Stuff like that. But ultimately, it's no good to have a baby to make him happy, if there's no happiness for you. I'm several years older than you, and I DO have two grown children. I love them bunches. I never PLANNED on having children. They "happened" LOL Honestly, if I'd waited to plan one, they probably would've never happened. For some of us, 'planning' is pretty dang overwhelming, cause of course, kids are a huge huge responsibility. I don't blame you for being scared. Best advice? Talk some more. Talk talk talk to your husband. You both love each other. And neither of you would purposedly set out to hurt each other, so talk sweetie. :-)

Every time I feel bad because family put me down or pressured me to have kids, I Google this: "hate being a mom", and I start reading. It really makes you feel like you dodged a bullet. Change is hard - and transitioning out of a marriage or long-term relationship is one of the hardest things to do. If you are adamant about NOT wanting kids, and he is intent on having them, then someday soon, he'll bolt - and decide your life for you. You'll be signing divorce papers so fast, your head'll spin. It's tough being alone - but it beats feeling guilty when you're around him...or unhappy with your life, if you give in. The more time you spend being miserable, the less time is left to find a CF partner for you, and the less time for him to find a person who is willing to give him a litter. :)

Audrey- I google the EXACT same thing, and have the exact same response! There are a few books (a few, because why would anyone admit that they hate being a parent?) that deal with this. "I'm OK, you're a brat," is a good one. You have to really want to be a parent. When I ask relatives about it, the only answer I ever get is, "It's hard, but it's so worth it. I hope you decide to do it." How does THAT help me?

It's like misery loves company, and couples want to entice you into having kids, then wait until you see how completely hard and life-consuming it is, and THEN you're a member of the club and they'll commiserate with you about it. That's like signing on the dotted line for one of those sub-prime mortgages where the APR balloons after one year (or in this case, 1 day- the day you bring baby home). EEK!

Silveraven- I'm so so SO sorry for you, honey. I am not really an advocate of tough love all the time, but let me say this gently- I think you have your answer.

Your husband has been honest and upfront with you about his needs, as you have for him. The advice I've been given over and over again is "If you are not sure about kids- DON'T." You have already made it plain that a child would be a prison sentence for you. Your husband is NOT correct in assuming that your career and progress in life won't be affected. It simply isn't possible and it isn't fair to a baby that would come along to assume that things would stay the same. A baby needs so much care and attention- and what would happen if you didn't have a healthy one? Oh my- you really have to want this to be willing to deal with anything that might go wrong along the way. Are you ready to baby proof your home? The sleepless nights when you have to get up if you want to breastfeed? Hubbie can't do that. How about the terrible 2's? My sister-in-law's kid is 3.5, and she STILL hasn't come out of it. How about the teenage years where your kid decides you're an idiot, and you've made all of these life sacrifices for him and he decides to give attitude and withdraw behind the closed door of his room for 4 years?

You've got to really want this. Be fair to yourself, honey, because it really seems like you don't.

OK, done with the tough love. You have friends on this forum, and we all care about you. YOU WILL BE OK. Whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, you will get through this. Let us know what's going on!

xoxo

I did not start this thread, but it has helped me as well. Thank you Random, VirgoGirl, Audrey and all.

Silveraven, you are not alone. I posted a few months ago with the exact same story. He's 33, I just turned 27, and the kids issue is tearing us apart. We "tiptoe" as you said, and started therapy a couple months ago in attempt to fix it all. Frankly, therapy is making things temporarily worse because we have to hash this [censored] out every 1-2 weeks. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of wisdom or a happy ending to share with you...Just the assurance that right now, I understand EXACTLY how you feel.

For a lot of couples with kids, this is a struggle -- remembering that the spouse's wishes should be respected over the children's. I count it a blessing that it's "one less thing" to worry about for a childfree couple.

Silveraven, your last post really says it all. Your man is committing to doing all the tough work. But will he? And I say that in the nicest possible way, because if he doesn't then YOU will be the one that it gets dumped on. And, unfortunately, society will let him away with it and even make excuses for him.

Also, his reasons are rather typical and all can be rebutted. There is no guarantee children will be there for you in old age, and I know everyone thinks 'but my kids will be different' but in reality your kids will have their own children, their own families, lots of other committments and will struggle to find the time to visit you, no matter how much they want to. Childfree old people tend to feel less alone in old age because they make friends and have friends to assist in old age, to assume to rely on children is very scary and very wrong, it simply won't work. It is very possible, even, that you will be entirely alienated from your children once they grow up (very sad, but it does happen) and it may not even be through your own wrongdoing, sometimes it just happens.

The carrying on the lineage just isn't a reason (even though carrying on our own DNA is the biological reason for having children). On what grand scale does it actually matter if our lineage dies out? It simply doesn't. It's rather vain to need to carry on your lineage surely?

No matter when he wants to have children I can only advise that you do not go ahead with having children when it isn't what you want. Relationships with children are more likely to break up and should that (God forbid) happen when you guys had kids then, again, you are left with the children.

This is all so tough, and I really do feel for you, I just dread the thought of yet another woman getting pregnant knowing it isn't what she wants. Children are not returnable, as you know :-(

Also, your man needs to understand (as you clearly do) that couples with kids only ever let on about the good stuff. He needs to realise that the 'bad' makes up the majority of the day, it really does, by far.

As for continuing to travel etc with children, then I would consider this rather selfish. Choosing to have children means making the sacrifices that will provide them with a stable upbringing. Sometimes travel is unavoidable but I can't say it's fair on a child to have it and then just drag it around the world because that's something YOU want to do. Having a child should mean putting off the travel till the child is old enough to be home alone. I know 'modern moms' will say otherwise and the 'we CAN have it all' society will say otherwise, but they are putting themselves first, not the children.