BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Probably going to lose my marriage

Hi - so glad to have found this forum. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for - just support, I guess. I am almost 33 and have no yearning for children, while my husband has been pining away for them the last 3 years. I keep waiting and hoping my biological clock will go off, but it hasn't. We're now at an impasse and I feel my husband will ultimately leave because his desire for a family is that strong. For about the last 6 months I've suffered insomnia, anxiety, irregular periods, etc. and I finally realized that it was due to fretting over the baby issue. We discussed things last night and are now basically tiptoeing around one another and it's miserable. I really wish I felt that desire that so many people feel, but I don't. I have always imagined kids in my life, but at this point I just don't feel ready. And when I think to old age, I feel OK if they aren't in the picture. I'm certain that I could have a baby and be happy, but I really just like things the way they are right now without one. I'm confused and terribly upset to think that I could lose my husband...just looking for support and any kind words right now. I just feel so alone...

There are so many children needing adoption, perhaps you could agree to wait until your highest earning years are past and then adopt. best wishes to you.

Silveraven thank you for your honesty. Thinking of you. Know that support is out there and that you will have the knowledge and courage to know what you need to do that is right for you.

I'm really sorry about what you're going through. I don't want kids either and I'm almost 35. It would be so hard to be worried about your marriage and have pressure to have kids when you're not sure if it's the right decision for you.

Silveraven, please don't think you're alone.
I know it's easy to do these days, when this decision to either have a child or not doesn't seem publicised in our ' But Everybody has kids ' world.
But there are millions of women who have gone through exactly what you're having to deal with.
It's really tough to have to make decisions that will impact hugely on your life, but you're doing the right thing by getting as much info. as you can, eg this forum, and thinking through all the pros and cons of having a child.
The bottom line is, you must do what's right for you - and you'll know in your heart what that is.

The trouble is, life is not a fairytale. You don't meet the rich handsome prince who will adore you for the rest of your life, have adorable children that you crave,who grow up to have fulfilling careers while you bask in the glory of grandchildren.

Life is hard - yes, wonderful, exciting, superb at times - but really hard.

For me a marriage is the most important relationship. he should be your partner, friend, rock. Kids eventually leave, and before that, their friends are more important than their parents ( who are there to pay for stuff, ferry around to the places they want to go, and are a shoulder when they need it.)

So are you saying your husband wants kids over you ? that's not ideal is it, when the real tough problems arise AFTER a child is born.
Then there's the financial issue. stay at home or not. who pays, will this cause issues ? there are so many problems that arise, which he won't have considered if he's just thinking of a beautiful bundle of joy.
I hope you can work it out, but we're here as a shoulder for you too .

Silveraven, sorry you're going through this. I left a marriage not so much because of my husband but because of his family's attitude towards me not wanting children.

There are things you and your husband clearly need to discuss. For instance, you are not averse to having children, but you don't feel ready now, while he is pining for them. Is he really pining for them? It's worth asking him if he is willing to be the main carer once the baby is born (i.e. take on the traditionally female role). Of the men who claim they want children I suspect we would find that very few (if any) are still willing to have them on the proviso that they are the main carer! That says a lot. Does your husband want a child to change nappies for, bath, clean up the puke, calm when they're having a tantrum, to discipline, to look after when sick,...? Or does your husband want a child to play with, laugh with, cuddle,...? No offense to your husband but I strongly believe that with most parents it is for the latter. Women are willing to put up with the former, but few men ever pull their weight in that area.

On top of that. You don't say why your husband wants kids. It's possible that he doesn't even know. But if we have to explain why we don't want them then sure as hell people who do want them should have to explain why. It may be that he wants them because society has always taught him that's just what you do (as was the case with my partner, he'd never considered not having them but thought about it and realised he didn't want kids at all, he'd just been raised believing it's what you do).

Don't let him away with "I want kids" ask him why. Discuss it thoroughly, the pros and cons. If all his reasons are the usual "someone to love me", "someone to look after me when I grow old" etc then there are answers to those and they are not answers that will back your husband's desire. If it is a gut instinct then fair enough, but there is an answer for any selfish human desire for wanting kids.

For me the relationship between man and wife, or common law man and wife, is the ultimate relationship, it is not meant to be surpassed by a relationship with your children (although many mothers allow this to happen). Your spouse/partner is MEANT to be the first person in your life but too many people confuse a child's need for emotional and practical assistance with love. The two are clearly not the same. Your husband married you, not children, what would his reaction be if it turned out you (or her) are infertile?

Sorry if all this sounds harsh, it's not the way it's intended, but I have a lot of male friends and to be honest the desire for children among them is incredibly small, yet they do go ahead and have children if it's what their partner wants. Of course this all relies on the woman doing ALL the work!

If you don't want to do all the work then you have every right to suggest that your husband be the main carer. It would be interesting to see his reaction to that idea. It may cause him to give proper thought to whether he really does want children. Maybe he wants them but just not enough?

Should say, I know a man who desperately wants a huuuuuuuuge family. He is one of eight himself.

He already has one child with his wife. He soooooooo wanted this child yet he is only ever there for the fun play and cuddles, and even then if it interrupts his TV watching it's like she's not even in the room. I've never seen him do any disciplining (or any of the stuff that would cause a child to temporarily 'not like' him), he doesn't do the feeding, he rarely changed nappies and his wife did all the caring when she was ill etc.

Yet he still claims to want loooooooooads of kids, frankly given his behaviour I find it hard to believe he truly wanted even one! What he should have said was he wanted a playmate. A dog could have given him that!

Oh honey, I am so sorry you're going through this. I don't think she would mind, I'm going to refer you to the posts Solalux shared with us. She was in your shoes and decided to have a child for her husband. She's seen it all, and she's very wise.

I've been through this as well. For the time being, my husband seems ok with "our" decision. We're both 37 and nearing the end of the child-bearing years, so I'm really hoping I can hold on to him, but you never know.

Also, a great book by Naomi Wolf- Misconceptions- explores how a marriage changes when you bring kids into it. This was a shock to the author, who is a feminist and believes very much in equal partners in a marriage. After their first child, she found that equality to be impossible, and that their marriage really did change. This made her pretty sad for a while. Only you can decide if this is worth keeping your husband. Is he the kind of guy who will appear at 6pm, play with your child and that's it, or will he really help? You must know that you will bear most of the responsibility for raising a child.

Something else to consider- the chances of your finding someone who doesn't want kids and who will love you for you (no guilt or anxiety or tiptoeing- God do I know THAT one) are far greater than the chances of your being happy with a baby and a marriage that will change forever because of it. Just my 2 cents. Good luck, sweetie!

Thank you all for your kind words and support. This just feels like a very dark time that may never get better... Random, hubby and I had quite a long talk and he is ready NOW, which just makes me feel so pressured that I can't even think straight. And I know it isn't fair to make him wait another 2-3 years only to have me still feel unready. He has told me his many reasons for wanting kids and they are the usual things (carry on the lineage, thinks he'd be a good dad, having someone there for him in old age, etc.). I can't discredit them, but I simply can't relate. I've explained my side and my desire to further my career and travel and he thinks having kids will not impede. He cites his parents as an example but I think kids don't impede only if you really want them and are prepared for that life. I don't think I'm there yet. Also, he cites some of our friends that have kids as saying how much of a joy it is, but I don't find many parents who really want to share the ugly, uncomfortable side of it. The most they seem to want to honestly say is "it's a lot of work" but then they always follow up with, "but it's worth it." Maybe it won't be worth it for me...He is willing to take the majority of the responsibility (so he says). But I don't think he is truly aware of the reality of getting up to feed the baby, change diapers, clean up vomit, lack of sex, lack of sleep, etc. Plus, it's my body that has to go through the changes for 9 months and longer (I say longer due to the whole hormones, breastfeeding issue, etc.) It's just like since everybody has kids, it's supposed to magically be this great wonderful thing that you do and learn to love. He has actually offered to let me walk from the situation if I would decide to have a child and hate parentood (?!?!) but how could that possibly work - I'd probably feel worse for abandoning the child. And Virgogirl, I somehow like what you said at the end of your post - the thought of starting over and finding a new love and life terrifies me. All I can think about right now is what if it comes to that? What will happen to our pets and how will we divide all the beautiful furnishings that we selected together? I am literally sick over this whole mess - can't sleep, can't breathe, and generally just feeling like I'm going to crack. I really find myself wishing I was infertile so that the decision would be made for me (he would not leave in that situation). I know for sure that I am not ready right now and I feel I may never be ready. After our last talk about 2 nights ago, things were very awkward and uncomfortable but now he says he just wants it to be like normal and for us to act like we did pre-talk. I am trying but it is hard. I have no one to talk to about this except for you kindred souls here. My Mom doesn't even know about this. I have 1 friend that I have talked to some, but she thinks that I am just scared to be a parent and so she says things like, "you'd be a great Mom!" not understanding that it isn't about that - it's about not WANTING it. I am going to read through solalux's posts and take from her experience. Thank you all so much for letting me get out what I can't say to those around me and for relating and not judging.

Don't feel bad about your marriage, my niece was like that too. She didn't want to have children quickly after she and her husband got married in 2003. She was kinda immature and her husband baby her and I guess someone told her to grow up and start thinking about having children. They asked her why she got married for and wonder why she still call her mother and father all the time. Well, anyway she had hard time getting pregnant and finally she and her husband welcome baby girl born in 2006. Guess what she really love being mother. She have change alot since she had 1st one and daughter is very active and smart too. So finally they got another daughter in November, 2010. 2nd one is much quieter than 1st one. Now new parents are very much happy with 2 daughters and are deeply in love with each other.

Some time having children do not keep marriage well, it is depend how your husband feel after baby come. Husband get mad at their wife for being ignoring him. Men wanted attention all the time. Wives choose to be mother and have to take care of their children. It is best to be old fashion mother and father and raised children together.

My niece is 32 yrs. and her husband is 41 years old. 1st daughter is 4 yrs. and 2nd daughter is 2 months old.