BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Child-free treatment for the child bearing.

Pull up a chair my fellow child-less friends! For this is a tale, straight out a fairy tale book and played out on my very own facebook page.

Now I must ask you, did you ever wish the pushy child bearing strangers, friends and family members all got the same treatment we got for voicing our decision not to have kids? Well I sure have! I figure if they get the same treatment they give us, they might understand how we feel when we get mocked and written off for not wanting kids.

Well my friend, who I will call "Lily" commented on my facebook status which was:

"I can't think of one reason to have kids. I sleep till noon, stay up all night, play games all day, and get to have a clean and quiet household"

Her response was basically she couldn't think of one reason not to have her son. To this I told her I could think of several reasons. She then replied, "well that's the beauty of it, I can't think of one reason NOT to have him :)" Out of the blue, like a defender of the child-free swooped in "Andy"! Who stated he couldn't understand why anyone would have kids, their a handful and a big stress on an already overpopulated world.

Well my friend Lily took offense, for once someone wasn't telling me I was making a wrong choice. She PMed me and told me that she found him very rude, saying that having children was a BAD idea. To this I had to secretly smile, as much as I love my friend, I felt that she had a child at the WORST time possible. After she had her son her husband was admitted twice to a mental hospital, tried to commit suicide and they got booted out of their apartment and now she's a "stay at home mom" but she's living with her in-laws. So from my stance, she maybe could have waited until her and her husband were at least stable, namely her husband mentally.

So they went at it, the two of them, he argued that she made a wrong choice, she argued that he didn't know anything. So I jumped in and managed to calm down the fire. Though I made it clear that anyone, be it her or anyone else, is free to speak their minds openly on my facebook page. I respect everyone's opinion equally and that if he wishes to express an opinion of his own, he's more than welcome. If she want's to disagree, that's fine too, but it's nothing to squabble over.

She stated that it irked her that he made a lot of "generalizations" about the bad points of parenting. To this I had little reply except that everyone's opinions will be different we can only agree to disagree. The dust has settled and the war is over on my poor facebook page.

Yet for me, I feel a victory has been won, small as it may be, for once I wasn't the one being told I'm making a mistake. I hope that maybe Lily will understand that what she felt then and what I feel when she tells me "you'll change your mind" are one in the same. I'm not wishing anything bad on her, I just hope that maybe she can understand me better now.

Way to go Jennifer B.

I recently put a status update about how the day I started my new job SIX people asked me if I had children. And we are talking "Hi, I'm xxxxxx, do you have children?" like THAT quick. 2 were male, 4 were female.

Even the parents among my Facebook friends couldn't work out what relevance the question had when meeting a new colleague. It was very strange, I don't mind so much because none of them were rude of judgemental when told "no, and no I'm not planning on it." But then our work is with people with all levels of learning disabilities and mental illness, we also have residents with Tourettes and some who smear their faeces on the walls, so it's not really a place you can work if you're judgemental.

Still I found it a very strange first question!

I am asked all the time if I have kids by all kinds of people, at parties, work, church, strangers at the shops, running into old friends from school, people are horrified when I say no, Not even one!!! a guy replied! Like it was a crime! I also get asked by like over 100 people when I am due!! which is just lovely you can imagin! I have actually had arguments about it with people, once we where on holiday and it was the last night and we were having a nice dinner with champagne etc and I toasted "to our new life" and we got talking to the couple next to us and she congratualted me and I was like what? And she said how I was pregnant and when I said I wasnt she said pointing to a table of ladys that I had not kept up with on a hike that they told her I was pregnant and I said"well they havent spoken to me about it!" she went on and on, I wanted to strangle her..ok I dont have a perfectly flat stomach but gee lighten up!!! I am so used to it now, I hope as I exercise it away it will stop! Thought of a good reply but havent used it yet: when someone says Q: so when is your baby due? Reply: About the same time as your tact! bom bom

Trust me I get a lot of that too, namely from people who haven't seen me in a while "So are you married yet? Have kids?" When I say "no" they immediately ask "why?" like there is something wrong with me. When i state "I don't want kids" they say "awww, well you'll change your mind someday." like I'm some 5 year old that doesn't know any better!!! I hate that condescending attitude!

Isn't it great when others accept immediately as a good thing, that you don't have kids ?
Especially if they are strangers. And the bonus is if they say they don't have them either.
It must be the same if you have kids - ie that validation that you made a good decision, and are not viewed as some two headed freak.

Noone wants to feel they've made a bad decision, wether it's being made to feel you're coping with a burden ( if you've got kids ) or missing out, and have something lacking ( if you don't.)
But human nature seems to relish putting others down in order to boost a flagging ego.

That's why when mothers are nasty about my lack of children, I believe it's to boost their dented ego, wanting to convince themselves their lifestyle is better.
If they were decent, intelligent people, content with their lot, they would just be happy for you, no matter what your circumstances.

I bet you had fun watching your facebook, Jen .
who won....? or was it a draw

Gaynor, those are some very wise words. I'll try to remember them always :)

I agree with Sabine...very wise words Gaynor! Lately, I haven't been pressured which is great. Although I have to go to a baby shower that I'm dreading in a couple of months and I'm sure the baby question will come up then. As for baby pressure, my husband actually got into a bit of an agrument with one of his best friends who has 2 little boys. Keep in mind his friend is always complaining about money, that he can't remember the last time he slept past 6am, that he never has sex with his wife anymore, etc. etc. He said to my husband you would be a good Dad cause you're good with your pets. My husband was trying to be polite saying no it's not for us. We're happy. He kept it up and kept it up though. Finally my husband who is a very calm man mind you...just lost it and told him off. He just said "what is it to you??"..."how does it effect your life if I have kids or not??". Then my husband said "oh I guess you want me to be as miserable as you". I know that was a bit rough. So what you said Gaynor rings so true in my husbands situation. All I know is that my husband and I have been married for a long time, we're happy, we love our freedom, our quiet, the time we have for each other and I wouldn't change a thing. If others don't approve, that's there issue not mine. So glad I found this site!! :)

"their" issue. Must proof read before sending...lol

Shakespeare I looooooooooove your answer! I actually wish I looked a bit pregnant just so I could use it. Next time I'm bloated I'm going to wear a tight top :-D

You're right Gaynor. And Love,...way to go for your husband, well done him!

I try my best not to post anything CF related on Facebook, aside from The Childless by Choice Project Group, which is a closed group (only you and group members can see your posts and comments). It just creates problems - most of my friends are not child-free, and can't relate to my situation...and some are even really nasty about it; some tend to take offense to my choice, as if in declaring my CF status, I denounced their child-friendly status. I really don't have the time or patience for that [censored]. I've started to find all the pregnant women and new moms on my FB friends list, and block their comments on all posts, as well as hiding them from my news feed. I also blocked the horror that is the "What does my fetus look like" app. EWWW! No thanks! My husband doesn't post anything CF on his FB, though - some of his family doesn't need to know (they would make a big, nasty deal out of it, and it would really hurt his mother). I do have a couple friends in the area, a trans woman and her partner, that really admire my decision. They have one kid - one - and that's it. No more. They've both found parallels in being CF and being in a nontraditional partnership - so, in essence, we've found some common ground. (Their little boy is terrific BTW - they taught him signs for the most common words, so he can tell them what he wants before he's able to talk. Every time he signs to me, I have no idea what he's saying - so I shrug my shoulders, palms up, and say, "I don't know, Owen, I'm stupid! Go ask mommy!" LOL) I've never had to field nasty questions about being CF in real life - although, the possibility is always there. :)