BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Feeling Lost

Grab a drink cause this is gonna be a long one. And I'm very grateful to have found you all! So here is my situation, I've been in a relationship for 9 1/2 years now. I'm going to be 32 this year and he will be 36. We're not married, but have hoped to be able to get married someday. I will be referring to him as my husband as its just easier that way. We or I always thought we'd be together, until now. Up until a few days ago I was happy, then somehow the having children topic came up. Now we'd talked about having kids in the past and I was very adamant that I did not want kids, he understood this (or so I thought.) I have always known that part of him wanted kids, but he told me he was fine with not having kids. He already has a child, but unfortunately he hasnt seen his son since he was a baby. The mother of his son took the child and wouldnt allow him to visit. So a few months ago we found out that child support would begin to be taken out of his paycheck monthly. Now, in the past he hasnt been in the position to pay child support until now. I always told him in that if he wanted to fight for visitation/custody I would support him. Anyway, he had a chat with a lawyer about what his options are in terms of fighting to see his son, who is now 13. The lawyer basically told him it would be better for him to wait until the son was 18 then make contact, as the mother would drag out the process as much as possible. Apparently since then the idea of having a child has been on his mind and of course with the holidays it became more and more on his mind. Now I find myself packing my things, feeling that i've lost my home and my family (family being me, my husband and our 3 cats), and becoming resentful, regretful and angry. He told me he has this urge/desire to try and have a child. He knew how I felt and that I would change my mind so we decided to split. A few days have gone by and have now found myself asking, why I dont want what he wants, why dont I want kids, whats so great about them? For the longest time we were both on the same page about everything, until now. Then I remembered something from my childhood. As a child, I grew up very lonely, im an only child and never had any cousins around or anyone close to my age. I remember feeling more like a burden to my family and feeling like I wasnt wanted. When I was born, my mother left me to be raised by my grandma. Why she left me I dont truly know, I always thought it was because she was 21 when she had me and still needed to go live her life. (My biological dad was never in the picture.) To this day I have never talked to my mother about why she did this, although I think I need to now. Despite being told that I was loved, I never quite felt like I was. So after remembering this I thought this has to be one of the reasons why I dont want kids. Now there has always been a very small part of me that has wanted kids, the idea of having a little person to share Halloween with, watching them tear the xmas presents open and when they get older being able to laugh with them and have fun. But of course this is only part of having a child, reality sets in and I realize that kids WILL NEVER GO AWAY, their like a never ending bill, I mean look at me, im over 30 and still need help from my parents. Kids means giving up my current life style; no sleeping in till whenever, staying up till whenever, playing on the computer all day, etc. In the course of my soul searching I have talked to friends, most of which have kids and asked them to explain to me what the "joy" in having kids is all about. In talking to them I have realized that I possibly, maybe not, maybe do want kids. I decided I needed to share this with my husband, so I did. We had been avoiding each other until then and saying as little as possible to each other. When I told him my revelation, he got excited. I told him im not ready to have a child just yet, but am opening up to the idea and possibility. But I still have issues that I need to work on, one of them being I dont want to have to go through the whole being pregnant thing. I find it disgusting and weird, like some of the other women have stated on here. Another issue is I would like to skip over the baby years. So I brought up the idea of adoption. This was a no for him, the only way he would do adoption is if I couldnt carry a baby. Then surrogacy came up, this is a no for me, first I dont know anyone that would do this for me and the thought of a stranger doing it is out of the question. Sigh...I feel like we're going around in circles and keep coming to the same conclusion, he's not willing to wait and I dont think its right for me to ask him to wait for me to be ready to have a kid, when I dont even know IF I'll ever be ready. He wants to have a child sooner than later as he's not getting any younger. So the only option is for us to split up. The other question I keep asking myself and am pretty sure after reading some of the posts is I dont want to have a kid just because im afraid of losing him and am doing it to keep him. We love each other and dont want to split, but I cant help but think if he really loved me he would stay. I feel so lost right now, in my heart I know im not ready to have a child, but its so hard to say good bye to someone you love so much. I also know that I would be ok if i didnt ever have kids. I've brought up going to couples counseling, but he feels it would be of now use. Please any feedback/support you all could give me would really help right now. Thanks for listening.

You are in a very tough situation. I have no real advice for you...in my opinion, if he's not willing to wait until both of you are ready, he's not worth you jumping into something you may not want....but, I just wanted to say that we are all here for you.

Hi, Haven, I don't think there is an easy answer to your problems.
The main thing that jumps out for me, is you must examine your feelings for your husband. You say that you split. Did he come to see you ? talk to you, ring you ?
If not, for me that's telling.
You say he has a child already. I'm not casting judgements on the mother of his child one way or another, but there are always two sides to a story, and I wonder why this woman didn't want your man in his life, nor the childs life.
Plus you are still young, so the possibility of having a child in the future is still a possibility for many years yet - don't force yourself into a decision that may not be right AT THIS TIME.
So for me, as I see it, the biggest decision is 'do you want this man in your life' Plus, Do you love him with all your heart,and couldn't imagine life without him, or do you feel more loss at not having a loving partner in your life ?
How many times have we women compromised on a partner just because we believe we are too old; will never find another partner; don't want to be alone ???
You sound like a realy switched on, strong intelligent person, so don't do anything you will regret later.
If you feel better just putting your thoughts down on this forum re the hubby / child situation, then do it, as it often clarifies the mind, and as Swearbear says we are all here to listen.

It really sounds like in his mind he's come to a Holiday revelation, that it's a new year, he doesn't wan't to deal with the angst anymore and he has within his grasp the tools to procreate, allowing him once and for all to wash his hand of something that probably preoccupies him more than he lets on.

However, even if he made a baby someplace, it wouldn't do it for him. He would still be haunted by the memories. And it is exciting to think about having a child but under at least some rational decision making properties.

With your relationship with eachother, if you were to have a child, I can't think of a better intro than the two of you empathizing with eachother's needs. Because if and when a child comes both of your needs will be put second at best

I've never been married but I had a long standing, 6 year relationship with a guy who wanted kids and never quite caught on that I didn't want kids. Either way, I feel if the whole "kids issue" comes between you and him after a long standing 9 year relationship, then it was on his mind way before this. Sometimes we try to tell ourselves that we can handle something, believing we are stronger than we truly are, but as time passes we realize we're not as strong as we had initially thought. At the time he may have sincerely believed that he understood your feelings, but time and change go hand in hand. Sometimes as we grow older our views of the world alter, this could be due to circumstance, experiences we've had...all can alter our opinions and state of mind. The bottom line of it all, is that you can't make yourself unhappy just to maintain a happy relationship. Life just doesn't work that way, some people would call that a selfish notion, but it's true. If you're not happy with your life, you'll come to resent it, and hate it. If you come to the conclusion that you want kids, then that's great but...let it be because YOU want kids, not because you want to try and salvage a long standing relationship. Though if you're having doubts, it's always best to try and imagine yourself with children. I do that with myself when I feel like maybe I should just give in to everyone's expectations. I pretend I have kids, and I realize, I'm not happy with the screaming and crying and the constant noise. The high pitched screams for no reason at all, the litter of round, plastic, primary colored toys thrown everywhere. The snide remarks as they grow older, the threats of calling the police because they didn't get their way. The obvious age difference and realization that all my best years are behind me and not in front of me. Because of the way I am, who I am, to have children yields no pay off at all. It's a gamble at best, kids don't stay cute and cuddly forever, they become teenagers and adults someday. So if you feel like that isn't something you want, there is no need to force yourself to "open up" to the idea of children to save your relationship. Be true to yourself, you may not see it now, but so long as your true to you, you'll be happier in the future. What ever your decision, do it for you and you alone, not for anyone else, boyfriend/husband or not.

Haven, in regard to your mother...perhaps, while she may love you, she herself never wanted children and therefore dumped you off on grandma so she could continue to live the life she wanted. Situations like that happen all the time. My brothers ex-girlfriend is exactly like that and she has 3 kids (two from my brother). Not to say you would be a bad mother but it's possible that you could pick up some of her "maternal instincts." Let's face it; not everyone is meant to be a parent.

But lets look at the facts: you are now open to the possibility one day but hubby does not want to wait for you to be ready. Well, I hate to break it to him, whether he stays with you or not he is gonna have to wait. It's not like he is just going to go knock up a girl tomorrow. First he has to give it time to mourn the loss of you, then he has to meet someone who he is interested in and who has mutual attractions, then they have to date and then commit (possibly even get married). All of that will likely take a few years. That's why I never understood the "now or I'm gone" ultimatum. I think it is just a scare tactic. I had a friend whose gf (of 4 years) gave him an ultimatum about marriage, so he broke it off. He wanted to wait until after he got his M.A. Now he is graduated but long over her and she is still single...stupid, stupid girl.

Anyway, when it comes down to it, you gotta do what will make you happy. Not just short-term but for the rest of your entire life. And doing something you don't want for someone else's sake will not make you happy. And you are if not happy with your life you can neither be a good partner or a good mother.

Thank you all for your posts and support! While it is very hard to say good-bye to someone you love, that is what i'm having to do. My husband and I keep coming back to the same conclusion, breaking up. While I have opened up to the possibility of kids, I'm just not ready. I don't know if i'll ever be ready, but i'm not willing to ask my husband to wait for me. I very much want him to be happy and if that means letting him go, then thats what I need to do. Part of me is hoping that he'll turn around and say he'll wait as long as it takes, but I know even if he did, things just wouldnt be the same. I would constantly be wondering if he's thinking of the "kid we could have" or waiting for the day when he says he's not willing to wait anymore. As sad as i'm feeling, I have truly found support on these forums just by reading and know that I can have a life without kids, if thats what I CHOOSE.

Oh, Havendusk - I wish I could give you a hug. And a Mojito. :D When my husband and I first started dating, we talked about everything - including the "kids" question. (I'm 27 now, and he's 34). When he proposed, before we got married, I laid everything out on the table, and encouraged him to do the same: I dragged all of my "skeletons" out of their closets, I dragged out all my opinions and feelings on subjects that I felt would affect our marriage (including politics. I'm not joking. lol). We mutually agreed on a couple of what we call "deal-breakers". If any of the following situations occur, then the marriage is over; end of story; don't pass go, and don't collect $200. : 1.I get pregnant, and want to keep the baby 2. He or I "change our mind" about our child-free status. Neither of those has occurred - in almost 7 1/2 years of marriage, and 1 year of dating/cohabiting before marriage. I mentioned my child-free status on our second or third date - I told him point-blank that I didn't want to waste my time dating him if he wanted a litter of diaper-fillers. He didn't seem to care one way or the other about kids, then. Now, he is just as enthusiastically child-free as I. I got lucky. You didn't...but take heart: there are other fish in the sea. If you have a direct personality (such as I) then mention your child-free status right off the bat when you start dating again- it will save you time and heartache. Good luck!

Hi Havendusk, What you are going through sounds so familiar to me that I just had to reply. My marriage broke up also as a result of me not wanting kids. We talked about it beforehand but we both thought that as we were only in our twenties, I would change my mind later. Well, that never happened (and I am 32 now) and we ended up separating because of all the reasons you brought up. I am now in a relationship with a gorgeous man who already has had 2 kids by accident so is perfectly happy with my decision to be CF. I still grieve for the loss of my marriage but have realised that it was not meant to be. I wish you all the strength for this tough time ahead. Things will get better and I am sure you will find someone else who will be a better fit for you. *hugs*