BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce rebounds

So I have had an account here at Bella a while back but couldn't remember my log-in info so I made a new one. Anyway, I am going through a divorce. Yesterday would have been our 9 year anniversary. I am the one wanting out, due to how he has treated my kids over the past 9 years. We have a blended family, so he has three kids and I have two. He has never treated my kids equally and it has gotten worse over the years. Mine get screamed at by him, he stomps his feet and slaps things as he is doing it to "get their attention", he punishes them and grounds them more, and basically rides their [censored]... meanwhile his kids can do no wrong, they get mature conversations when he has a problem with them, IF he chooses to even acknowledge there is a problem. Since before we were even married, his ex-wife was there undermining my position and once we were married, she undermined my position and role in their kid's lives. He allowed it and basically did the same himself. Much of the time I felt he didn't believe me because his responses would be he "didn't see it" as though, if he didn't see it, he can't believe it or won't believe it. Anyway, all of this has taken a toll on me over the years. The past two when he would "blow up" at my kids, I started going off on him and making it known how fed up I was over this unfair and unequal treatment of my kids, and made it clear I wanted to leave, I felt that bad over it. So, nothing changed. One Sunday early in December, he went off on my boys. They had asked me if they could run to the gas station that is literally down the road from us. I said yes and they took my husband's car, which is the car all the kids take if it is here... well, he decided he was ready to go to wal-mart as soon as they left and was ticked they hadn't asked him, even though they had asked me and I had given permission and his kids always take it for stuff like that... when they walked in the door, he went off on them for taking it, even knowing I had said it was ok, then saw they had no coats on and went off on them for that... screaming at the top of his lungs, smacking the wall. I was standing at the top of the stairs looking down on the situation just shaking. Finally, when he started going into all the ways they would be grounded, I went off and started yelling "that's enough!" After yelling that several times, he finally stopped and then wanted to come upstairs and start in on me for undermining him in front of the kids. I was so done by then... In reality, I was done a long time ago. My heart hasn't been in it for a long time. I stayed because I felt it was the right thing to do. Divorce is wrong. It's not like he was hitting anyone... and I love my in-laws. They are the best. I hated giving them up in all of this.... and well, I stayed longer than I should out of fear of what people would say, of the judgment I would get for it. Well, to hear him tell it, this is all shocking and sudden, even though he was the one who knew I had told him 3 times in the past 2 years I wanted to leave because of this... he was obviously keeping count, but not taking it seriously enough, so his official story is that is this all shocking and sudden. Whatever. The point to all of the above rambling is, I've been over this relationship a while. I'v been playing the part, fulfilling the role, doing what I needed to do to keep the peace as long as I could because of my concern of what others would think and how it would affect everyone else. Now that it's in the works though, I feel such a huge relief. I can move on with my life. I am not stuck anymore. I can still have a happy future. Do what I want to do. My boys seem happy with what is going on... which kind of makes sense I guess... So my concern is rebounds. I keep hearing things about not to rush into a relationship too soon, to take things slow, that the relationship would be a rebound... I don't even know what a rebound is. I mean, I guess it would make sense if HE had dumped me and I was feeling vulnerable or needy... but that isn't the case... so how could a new relationship be a rebound? And as far as it being too soon, I feel like, I have put my life on hold long enough, trying to do the right thing when my heart wasn't in it. I feel like I have already taken my time... if that makes sense. I'm not saying I'm going to rush out and move in with a guy and get married asap, but I don't see anything wrong with dating, or being serious with a guy at this point. Well, granted, it's not like I'd do things to make it obvious to my ex at this point... I am trying to be sensitive to the situation... but I guess I'm just curious as to all the negativity when all I can feel is relief and the desire to move on with my life.

Hi katsa:

How are you doing?

Yes, rebounds can be extremely dangerous as far as not giving yourself time to heal. It is so important to have some time ALONE to figure out what is going on inside of YOU.

Angela

Rebounds are an important issue. It's hard to know if you are ready to date or just wanting someone who wants you. Anyone have any suggestions for telling the difference?

One thing I think is key is being clear on what you want out of your life. Of course, that's a process that is never really done, but if you are making good progress and the answer isn't the new guy, it seems like that's a good start.

Julie

Hi Katsa, It's hard to be in a relationship where the love is gone. You've followed your instincts and got out. Even if you are the one that wants out and you feel relieved to be out, you've been with this man for a long time which means you will have emotions to go through. In relationships, we often forget to take time for ourselves. It's now time for YOU to rekindle with your passions and find your inner self. Rebound is when you enter a relationship not long after ending one. Often it's too fast and too soon; you haven't had time to heal emotionally. My advice would be to take the time to spend with your children and take time to find out what you want out of life. Wish you all the best!!

Hugs to you, and congratulations on your strength! and p.s. rebounds can be fun too, if they're kept in their proper place. The general wisdom is to wait for a year before making a new commitment, so take that year to have some fun and explore yourself. Date prolifically and don't become monogamous for that year. You'll really find that there are oodles of fish in the sea and that you CAN pick and choose when YOU choose. Regards, Gaylle www.whisperingpath.com

I fell in love with another man just before my divorce was final last spring. I tried not to have a rebound relationship, but I see now that the relationship is exactly that. In the beginning it was just a fun time, but as I got to know my boyfriend I realized what a good person he is, and I was drawn to him.

Even so, I feel that I never should have dated so soon. I did not give myself a chance to heal from the pain of betrayal and loss I felt over my failed marriage, and a year later I still feel a great deal of pain which I try to keep from my boyfriend.

Things are not 100% perfect between us, but it is a pretty good relationship in general. I would hate to leave him but I wish I lived closer to my immediate family who are clear across the country. I often feel like this is not supposed to be my life right now, that I should be with my ex-husband who truly was my soul mate, but he did not want me anymore. There is still so much confusion and pain to get through, but the thought of leaving my boyfriend brings pain to me too.

There is a lot to be said for waiting a year before committing to someone new, even if you meet a great person. Having to deal with old baggage while in a new relationship is very hard. I wish I had waited, because now I don't know what would be the bigger mistake.....leaving my boyfriend or staying with him. I did crave attention many months ago when the divorce was fresh. I got that attention, but now I am in too deep emotionally to know what the right thing is for me to do with my life.

There is a nice man who wants to spend time with me, but i don't feel like i want to worry about men right now.

I am afraid i might miss out on a nice man by putting him off, though.

Jilly......only you will know when you are ready. It may be a year from now, more than that or less than that.

If the guy is nice and you like him and want companionship now and then, just let him know. An occasional lunch or chat over coffee may be good for you. You can tell him you are only interested in friendship at this time and that you have your focus elsewhere for right now.

If you are not ready for any of it then just let him know that too. The end of your marriage is still too fresh and you need time to heal. If the man really wants to be with you he will be patient and respect your boundaries for now. Just do what feels right for you.