BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage On the road to becoming a better man + my sufferin

I posted this here because in my experience those who have been abused or deal with the abused have a very narrow point of view. I need someone to look at this with an open mind and heart.... I have heard "once an abuser, always an abuser" and I am working as is my husband to prove that statement wrong. However... My husband has an AWFUL temper. He is prone to depression which causes laziness, especially seasonally. He is also hard working, loyal, protective, honest, and for the most part a good husband. He is not emotionally open, romantic, complimentary or very communicative. I am the complete opposite of him and usually it works quite well. I want to know your opinion of an incident that happened this morning. The alarm clock went off and it is his morning to go to work (we own our own business and today is my day to stay home with the baby). So I nudge him a few times to get out of bed. He jumps out of bed, already enraged...and so the yelling begins. So much for me sleeping in...it's been weeks that I haven't been up before the sun. And yes this includes weekends and holidays. He starts with yelling at the girls (14 & 8 yrs old) to get up for school, take care of the dogs, etc. So now I am up. I go into the kitchen and he yells at me "Where is the GD coffee?" I don't answer because he knows that I don't respond to the yelling/swearing. So because he is yelling and I'm not responding he grabs me. At this point I tell him not to touch me. Then he grabs my arm and forcefully turns me around to yell not even an inch from my face.(He is 6'1" 250lbs + I'm 5'5" 115lbs) When he's this angry the f word is now every other word. I'm thinking in my head "Why doesn't he know where the coffee is? I've made every pot for the past month but he drinks 3/4 of it...." Because I'm not responding to this agressiveness, he starts telling me all that is wrong with me and calls me a "piece of [censored]"...so on and so forth. Then 15 minutes later when he goes to leave for work he comes to me and says "bye" and wants a kiss. I say "bye" and turn and walk away because i have explained to him over and over again that just because it happened 15 minutes ago that it's not really "in the past" and i will still be upset over something like this until it gets hashed out. I don't understand this kind of tempramental behavior and therefor I don't know how to get rid of it. Help! We've worked through and overcome so much I don't want little things like this to break up our marriage of 10 years and our friendship of 15 years.

I am the editor for the Domestic Violence site and i do not think we all have narrow minded views on anything. Based on what you have said, this isn't the first time this has happened. Have you suggested counseling for him or even going as a couple can help. It sounds like he may need to learn to deal with anger management issues and there is probably something deep seeded that he isn't letting you know about or something you haven't shared here. There is an excellent book that I recommend to anyone who is experiencing any type of abuse (yes, what you described is abuse). It is called Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It is very insightful and may offer you some tips on how to approach the anger issue with him. Best of luck to you.

That's not little and like Jeanette said it's called abuse. Sounds like he needs more help to overcome his issues. Don't ignore the signs just because you want to stay. Nothing wrong with staying as long as you both are willing to work on what is wrong and there is something wrong here.

I guess I forgot to add that he has been jailed, he has been through the series of anger management classes a couple of times, CPS has been involved, he has been to the Dr and prescribed antidepressants, which he refuses to take. That's why I say "on the road to becoming a better man". I just don't know how to handle the sudden outbursts like that. He and I both know he is/has been abusive. He has made progress. The stage that he is at now I call "temper touretts" because if his anger flares he just lets loose and doesn't watch what he says at all. He doesn't hit anymore, but still uses intimidation (although i really don't think he knows his strength). Everyone seems to say "leave him" as if that is the answer and I know it's not. I've already been through one divorce and it's much more tolling than dealing with the temper tourettes. Thanks for the advice and I will obtain the reading material.

Unfortunately, he is going to have to be the one to want to change and make things better. You can't make him change, in fact it will probably infuriate him if he feels like you are trying to change him or make him do it. My abuser could not hear anything negative about himself but sure could dish it out. Leaving is not easy, trust me, I know. I put up with mine for 4 1/2 years. My last straw was when he started screaming at the kids who at the time were 1 1/2 and 4. He hit my 4 year old and I was the one who went off at that point. I didn't hit him, I just grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and screamed at him in his face for the first time ever. I had him put out of my house within 2 weeks of that with a domestic violence protection order.

I wish you luck if you are willing to stay in the situation. Please be safe.

Divorce is more tolling than leaving a man who beats and degrades you and your children? Really?

I'm sorry if I offend you with what I'm about to say but I'm having a very difficult time feeling sympathy for you when you make a statement like that. Sounds to me like you're in some stage of denial. You sound like most or all battered women. It's always the same excuses, "Oh he wants to change." "Oh he's made progress but..." etc.
Truth is, you're in an abusive relationship. I commend you and your husband for wanting help and changing but this denial you're in isn't going to help.

He's been in jail and has taken anger management classes and still doesn't change. What if he says he wants to change but doesn't? How long are you willing to deal with this until he does?
Forget your marriage for a minute and think of your children. This kind of thing causes trauma that can't be undone. It damages them mentally and emotionally. Do you want them growing up finding abusive relationships such as yours? If you want to do something, then do something for the sake of your kids and stop thinking about how much you love him. Think about how much you love them. They come first.

If you want to change things for the better, live with your children separately from your husband until he manages to seek help and change. Your kids deserve peace in their lives. Stop making things hard for them just because you don't have the backbone to live without this man.

I really have a huge problem with this whole situation. I tend to get very angry with women who stay with men who put their kids through so much unnecessary pain. I'm getting to a boiling point so I'm just going to end this.
I hope you both wise up and put your kids ahead of yourselves. I really do wish your family the best especially your children. May God keep them well and sane throughout all this.

Dear TryinEvryDay,

I don't know if you're still reading this thread, but I wanted to talk with you. I can understand your wanting to stay with your man because you love him and such, and while I'm not telling you to leave or stay, I would like to bring up a few points for you to consider:

*Could it be possible that your husband has more than an anger problem? Anger could be the outward symptom but it sounds as though he could have another underlying emotional problem that is causing his raging outburts. Borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder? If this is the case, there is no amount of patience on your part that will improve his anger. He needs both counseling and medication to help control his condition.

*Even if he does only have an anger management problem, he still needs to know there are lines he cannot cross without serious repercussion. It's one thing to close your ears and let someone vent and rage on but another thing entirely to allow him to belittle and disrespect you. You think it's ok but your little girls are watching and seeing that it is ok for a man to treat them that way when it is time for them to choose a husband.

*Verbal abuse hurts. Physical wounds on the body heal but emotional wounds scar your spirit.

What do you want? Can you live with this man if he never changes? If you really honestly want to help this man, you wouldn't enable him like this. You didn't say if he recognized his anger problem or if he wanted help, but if he means it, get help.

Meanwhile, move out with your girls. This will show him that you mean business about his inappropriate, unacceptable behavior with you and the girls. That doesn't mean divorce. It means, "Listen, you need serious help and until you make progress, I'm keeping the girls safe."

Your duty to your children come before your duty to your husband. Others may disagree but I say that you brought these innocent children into this world and until they can fend for themselves, it's your duty to protect them, teach them that they deserve a peaceful, happy life and raise them to adulthood.

It's one thing to allow yourself to be verbally abused, but totally unacceptable and even illegal to allow your children to be subjected to such abuse. Be strong. If you aren't, all it takes is for someone to report you as an unfit mother and your children will be removed from your guardianship.

This sounds harsh, but I'm trying to help you here. I'm not saying dump your man. I'm saying protect your children first. Help your man...from a safe distance.

In my experience with women in these situations, I've found that they don't realize that they subconsciously believe that they don't deserve better or that they can "save" a broken man or that they're the only ones who understand the abuser. Everyone is broken in one way or another, it's true. And you can love a broken man. But unless you love yourself and your children more, you will live a chaotic, heartbreaking life. Plus, your man loses respect for you every time you take his abuse. It doesn't lead to his loving you more.

A man like yours needs a strong woman to help him. Too bad that they usually attract weak woman because they need to be in control.

I know women who stayed with angry husbands. It eroded their soul. And their children were either suicidal or they left to go far, far away the minute they could.

Please seek outside help for his anger! And let me know how you're doing. I care.

Hey Tryineveryday,

I'm so sorry to hear how difficult this is for you.

I totally agree with Lori - take care of yourself and your kids... Your hubby may have the potential to be a remarkable man, but right now he's hurting and needs something that you can't give him.

And you need something that he can't give...