BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage In Laws and Etiquette

Everytime we stay with my husband's father and his wife, I am expected to cook breakfast for all of us. They provide the food with the assumption that as a guest in their house I am going to cook a big breakfast for 7 people (we are a family of 5). Is this inconsiderate? I feel it is but I also feel like my opinion is influenced by past treatment of his father towards me. Also, when they visit us at our house I provide/cook everything. That's three meals a day for the duration of their stay, which is usually much longer than the night or two we occassionally stay with them. I don't know how to approach rectifying this situation. He is very temperamental and if I say anything either to my husband or his father I know the whole situation will get blown out of proportion. By the way, normally I only cook a big breakfast for my family once a week, on Sunday. While we are there, I'm supposed to cook it everyday that we stay there. My kids are fine with toast and/or cereal and I don't know why we can't just eat that.

I would leave at that important hour and go for a walk. A long walk that would make them have to fend for themselves and send a clear message that you are not there to cater to people like some maid. When they say something then say oh well I guess you guys managed without me.

Or you could be all p.c. and have a sit down about it and maybe ask for help. Get others involved and maybe it won't feel like such a big chore for you. Aren't families supposed to help each other not just cater to each other : )

Thank you for your time and response. Actually I have tried the method of leaving until "breakfast time" would be over. They waited. And by the time I returned they were not only hungry, but more grouchy because of it. I also have incorporated help but unfortunately, in such a small kitchen, it's more stressful to have aide. It's not really stressful for me to cook, I actually love it. That's why I am wondering if my father in laws past treatment of me might be influencing my opinion. But I also have never been invited to stay somewhere with relatives or friends where I am expected to cook. I just couldn't picture my mother in law saying "Good night, and by the way, you don't mind cooking breakfast for us all in the morning right? You should be able to find all the food in the kitchen."

Who decides the menu? Prepare a simple breakfast. Set out cereal with fruit and juice/coffee on some days. Or bagels with cream cheese. Doughnuts? Cinnamon rolls?

What about one of those all-in-one breakfast casseroles made with French bread, diced ham, milk and eggs all baked together? You make it the night before and refrigerate it until ready to pop into the oven.

I'm suggesting this only because you love to cook. And you're probably a great cook which is why they want you to cook for them. That's a compliment in a way. It would be offensive and hurtful if they refused to let you cook, knowing that you love to cook.

You're right that they shouldn't expect you to prepare breakfast but since you're bringing your brood of five, it is better that you do it rather than expecting them to do it. They're older and it would be a burden for them to cook for seven people.

Prepare what you want to prepare. If they ask why they're only having such and such, you can say, "I'm feeling tired" or "This is what the kids wanted this morning" or "This is what we usually have during the week" or "I'm not up to cooking a huge breakfast" or "I'm on vacation."

But I'd use your cooking know-how to come up with super simple breakfast dishes that you can whip up easily for a crowd. Since you only stay with them one or two days at a time, it shouldn't be too much of a bother for you. I'd send my husband out early to pick up some doughnuts or muffins while I brewed coffee and set out fruit and juice.

You're kidding me right? Why on earth would you or your husband allow this to go on!? That's outrageous.

Listen, you really need to set things straight with these people regardless of whether it causes an uproar or not. You cannot allow them to treat you like a housemaid. Either let them know you don't mind helping but you're not cooking everything. And if they have a problem with that, stop staying at their house. Not only is this one of the most disrespectful things I've ever heard, it's demeaning and uncalled for. Who the hell do these people think they are?

I wouldn't go with the passive-aggressive route. You need to nip this in the bud, asap. You need to teach them how to treat you. And if they don't like it, tough. You're a grown woman, they should treat you like one. You and your husband allowing them to demean you, in front of your children is huge no no.

If they can't respect you, then they aren't worth your time. I have had many problems with my In laws. We used to get along great until they openly and continuously disrespected me. I put a stop to that. I now no longer speak to them or see them. When they're ready to act like adults and apologize, I'll deal with them. Until them, screw them. You don't need the drama and aggravation.

Let your husband know that he should be demanding they treat you better. And if he doesn't do it, you do it. You can't allow these a-holes push you around like that. Ugh, I wish I could tell them off for you. This seriously peeved me off!

When I have family visit, they often bring food with them as they have a family of 5. Usually she and I will get together and decide what to make and who will cook what meal. I appreciate it because I cannot afford to feed 5 extra people, nor am I healthy enough to spend a lot of time on my feet.

I'd say the answer lies somewhere in the middle of what the father's previous wife use to do...

My two cents, though? By doing what you're doing, you're showing a great deal of character and I hope your husband can appreciate this. Spouses don't always realise what their partners go through when it comes to family, especially during the holidays

However, when it gets old and you're feelin' it and begins coming at you from both sides, there's a few ways to approach it.

One, say something...calmly - like just a FYI..."I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I really feel (A.B.C.).

Or

Say that's already been done, don't cook. Get up, get in the car and just go somewhere and be. You'll get a call, but leave a loving note on the bedside so your hubby can read it when your not there and depending how things go, either go back to your house and let them fend for themselves or come back with something if it makes you feel better.