BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids From mother to grandmother

How has your relationship with your mother changed since they became grandmothers?

For me I must admit I'm a bit disappointed. My mother has supported my decision to be childfree 110% from day 1, and her views and our discussions on the topic surprised me coming from her who had 4 children by age 25. Basically we agreed on a lot of things, and she told me that although she was meant to be a mother and didnt' regret for 1 second having us, she would think twice if she had to do it all over again, because motherhood is hell HARD. So yes, I admired her for understanding and supporting me. I felt a stronger connection to her. I thought foolishly that it also meant she wasn't crazy about kids.

However, now that my nephew is here, she's in grandma paradise. She's just crazy about that little boy and because my sister lives only a block away, he's always at her place. Every time I call he's there, and a few times she had to let me go because he was screaming. So much for my stronger mother-daughter connection. I guess the WHOLE family has to adapt to the new baby, but I honestly thought our relationship wouldn't change. Now it feels like she's giving HIM priority, and I'm a bit jealous, but also disappointed. We used to talk and talk about, well...about ME, and now she sort of listens, but it's only when she talks about the baby that I notice she gets excited.

I guess I just expected her to be a good grandma but not be overly excited either. As in, I should always come first since I'm her daughter, her flesh and blood. After all, the baby has his own mother.

My brother and his wife are due next (in a few months), so it will be twice the fun!!

When my niece and nephew were born,of course things changed. My mom and I both spent time helping my brother and his wife out when each kid came. With my nephew, we didn't mind. He never cried and was a quiet, calm kid. My niece came along a year later, and she was a different story, lol. Mom's visits became less frequent because she couldn't take the noise (mom was eventually diagnosed with a brain tumor which could explain why she couldn't deal with the noise of a baby crying).

As the kids got older, and I'd been married a while, my mom started dropping hints. She didn't know that by that time my ex and i had been trying to have a child for about 6 or 7 years already. I finally just told her the truth, and we cried and then went out to go shopping (great therapy). She never really acted like I was robbing her of grandchildren like some of my friends' moms did (even other friends who were infertile).

Now that my parents are getting older, they're asking me to help out more. We spend a lot more time together, and I know they talk to me more about their long-term care needs and their plans for the future and all because I'm the one who doesn't have kids and who will probably be able to spend more time taking care of them. I don't resent it because I'd rather have me doing it than my brother. But I do want him to take a part too just to help out.

Gullivera, I am sorry to hear that your Mom is practically ignoring you due the new baby. It sounds like you have a great relationship - like she's your best friend. I have to admit I'm a bit envious. I've never had a really close relationship with my Mom. In fact, I was actually thrilled when my brothers' wives starting popping them out so that she would stop calling so much (my husband and I live a long distance from my parents, so phone calls are pretty much my only contact with her). I know that sounds awful but to be honest, her phone calls are mostly about HER. Or her run-ins with her old neighborhood acquaintances & their kids that I could give a darn about. Anyway, let's just say my Mom is and always has been a pretty selfish person (& us child free are always told how selfish we are...but she's living proof that just 'cause you have kids you're not automatically in line for Sainthood!) My advice would just be to ride it out. You stated that she likes kids -- well, she has babies in her life that she doesn't have to be the primary caregiver (that is a thankless, HARD job) -- & she's excited about that. Try to put yourself in her shoes. I know, easier said than done. But she'll get over the baby rabies soon enough - although it might take a year or so after the next grandkid is born. Good luck and try not to let it bother you. She loves you more than anything but relationships change as we age. It's going to be different, but you'll both find a way to make it work.

The jealousy/hurt thing may not all be about your brother or sister having kids and you not. My mom bugged me for years to have kids, and when I finally did, I thought she'd be all over them, but she wasn't. Now that was 13 years ago, when Mom & Dad were still young enough to work and travel and had their own, very active lives. Frankly, I was surprised at how little they saw of my daughters, when we only live 2.5 hours away by car.

My sister, OTOH, got married late and had kids late. Hers are young now, and she lives about 10 minutes from Mom. My parents see her kids and care for her kids several times a week, where they only saw me & mine several times a year. I don't know if it's the difference in how close they live, in how much older my parents are now, or if it's just the difference between me and my sister. I was/am a very hands-on mom, who rarely left my kids with anyone, while my sister is the day care/babysitter/drop-'em-at-Granny's type.

And don't think it's a behavioral thing—my sister's kids (IMHO) are a nightmare! They are loud, messy, disruptive, and ill-mannered, while mine were always quiet, sweet, and respectful, and no, that's not just a biased opinion. Even my kids complain about the way their cousins act!

So, don't get me wrong; I'm not resentful or jealous...I just find it interesting how differently a grandmother's relationship can develop depending on time & space & personalities.

--Maria

Thank you all for your replies!

Yes, I do have a very close relationship with my mother - she's the most selfless person I know. I've always felt like I could tell her anything and we can talk for hours. I wish that everyone would have a loving relationship with their mom, it's an amazing gift!

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy she's able to experience Grandmahood through my brother and sister, but I mistakingly thought she wouldn't be as excited. Oh well...

Hi Gullivera,

That is really rubbish. I've been lucky, my sister adopted 3 girls, the first grandkids for my parents. I think because they were adopted we were all very focussed on them, there was a lot of hurt to 'undo', they needed lots of chat to help develop their speech (they were behind) and we all just loved them to bits.

Admittedly I wouldn't feel the same if it was a biological niece or nephew born into a 'normal life' with no struggles, this was a different situation.

Still my parents never 'neglected' those of us that don't have children, their discussions weren't all about the kids, they still wanted to know how we were doing, what we were up to etc. To me that's the norm.

I think it would be fair enough to point out to your mum just how focussed on the kids she has become. She still has other children, not just the ones bearing her grandchildren. She chose to have all of you and having made that choice you don't get to turn round and give priority to one child just because they give you grandkids.

Might also be worth asking if your sister is taking advantage. No matter how much you love a grandchild when you are older kids are very hard work, but your mum may not feel at liberty to refuse to take him. I think that when parents have children they often take advantage of grandparents and they need reminded that they shouldn't have had children if they were going to fob them off to others at every opportunity!

Ask yourself this, Gullivera, would you be quite so put out if she was getting off the phone because she had a new puppy who needed attention? Its a baby, for goodness sakes. Babies need attention. You're a grownup who can attend to her own needs. The baby can't. Of course the baby is going to take priority in the short term. And who wants to be on the phone when a baby is crying? Don't you want your mother to be able to enjoy your conversations? Why shouldn't your mother be thrilled with a grandchild? Would you rather she be cold and distant? Would you rather your nephew not be loved and doted upon? Should he grow up surrounded by people who can barely stand him? And most importantly, why do you think that your mother's love for her grandson has anything to do with you? Did you react the same way to your siblings arrived or are you the youngest? We all feel moments of petty jealousy when we feel like someone doesn't love us best. I admit that I can only have my father-in-law around for limited vacations because my husband talks to him about stuff I don't know or care about. And I pout and act childish and then smack myself and tell myself to grow up. The important thing is that you don't let this reaction interfere with the relationship you have with your mother. This could poison it if you let yourself get resentful of a baby who has caused you no actual harm.

You do make some valid points Kim but your post seems a bit hostile. Of course the grandmother is allowed to be excited, no one disagrees with that. However, she does not have to treat the baby as if she can't stand him just to give her daughter quality time. Gullivera's mother could always give her a call back after the baby has gone home. But it does not sound to me like that is happening.

Gullivera's mother was once able to balance being a full-time mother of at least 3 kids so why can't she now balance being a grandmother (of a baby that has it's own mother to care for it) and a mother. It is possible to love and dote over one person and still love and dote over another as well. We humans are capable of showering more than just one person with love.

Kat - you read hostility where there was none. But this is a forum where we complain when people criticize us for our feelings about not wanting children. The initial post was doing the exact same thing that we get upset about, just in reverse. I do believe that asking questions encouraging someone to see that maybe their behavior is the exact behavior we hate is important. As far as the infinite nature of love, that was the point I was making.

People may disagree but I do think the Gran (and indeed the baby's mother) are in the wrong here.

As a parent (which the Gran is) your duty is first to your husband, then to ALL your children, not just one of your children. Now, as your children go through different life situations they will need different types of support, of course they will, but that does not excuse giving so much more of your time to one of your children over your other children.

The Gran's duty is certainly NOT to her grandchild, and especially if this duty is to the detriment of her own child. The fact that a child can do so much less for itself is for the child's mother to deal with, it's not an issue for the Gran. And if the Gran needs to have words with the child's mother so that she can give quality time to the rest of her own children then she should do so.

Either way, the Gran will enjoy the 'baby' stages but once the kid is moving around she will be far less thrilled to be left alone with it.

I think as grown-ups there are things we need to remind ourselves of regularly. There are people to whom we have a 'duty', these are generally parents, siblings and friends. Of course we should enjoy these 'duties'. Unfortunately when someone has a child they seem to think that all these other duties disappear or can be forgotten about, and expect other people (usually other siblings) to take on their share of the duty. This isn't right. Just because you have a child does not stop you being a child of someone, or a sibling or a friend of someone and you must still do your bit at maintaining relationships. Otherwise be prepared to lose those relationships, and remember you're the only one to blame.