BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Husband and daughter want to appear as a couple?

This is a strange situation. My husband, who is in his 40's has two grown daughters. The eldest he has grown to have a very strong relationship with. For almost 10 years after his divorce, he did not date and his eldest daughter (now 26) moved in with him when she turned 18, leaving to move in with her boyfriend when she was around 22. When I first met my husband, I found it odd that he would brag about how people often mistake him and his daughter for a couple. A few years later, I'm seeing things I don't understand and I'm very hurt. Last spring, his eldest daughter came to our home for a visit. She hadn't been off the plane for more than an hour when at dinner my husband told the waiter (because he was carded for ordering a beer) "how do you know I'm not her boyfriend (pointing to his daughter), and she (pointing at me) isn't my mother?" I was insulted and hurt that he would refer to himself as his daughter's boyfriend, and me as his mother. I'm not at all matronly looking, out of shape, or old enough (in fact, he and I are exactly the same age.) A couple of years prior, this daughter came out with her then boyfriend. My husband fawned all over her trying to pry her away from her boyfriend. In public they would walk around holding hands. I have a picture where I am walking in front of them, they are holding hands (just like a couple) and her boyfriend is walking behind all of us. He took a picture of this incident. I've often wondered how he felt witnessing all of this over the years too. So after the incident with the "I'm her boyfriend", things went downhill fast. I asked my husband if he harbors anything strange or inappropriate for his daughter. That entire week was an eye-opener. They sat next to each other on the couch and she nearly sits on top of him. They excluded me from all their activities (which I somewhat understand since he doesn't see her often.) Also, he takes so many pictures of her - the cheesecake kind, like a pin-up girl. He has never, ever taken pictures of me like this. Where I really began to wonder about his relationship was when I stumbled across some photos (many) he took with a tripod while they were on a trip cross-country (actually coming here to marry me.) He holds her with his hand maybe an inch from her breasts. Every picture is that exact pose. In fact in one, his hand was so close he had to close his fingers. Never ever has he taken a picture of the two of them with his arm around her shoulder - never. Yet, of the two pictures he has with me, that is his posture. On this long distance trip she wore a t-shirt for two days (this girl must have a hundred shirts?) which said "I love my boyfriend." Why would she wear that while on a long distance trip, alone with her father and pose like that? She pushes her entire body almost onto his when they take a photo. There is nothing discreet in their posture. If I were with my father, alone for a week on the road, I don't think I would behave like that. And I could never, ever see my ex-husband behaving like this with my teenage daughter. He is so protective of her and so respectful of her. So I don't know if this is a power trip on the SD behalf, and if she has teased my husband over the years? My instincts tell me he actually has a lust for her. When I confronted him the first time about this he actually smiled and said, "well, I guess I would have to go and get her and move to Utah, but I'm not planning on that." I realize a lot of what I have written can be taken out of context - but there is just something that isn't right. 1. Brags about being seen as a couple 2. Friend of ours who saw a picture of them in a frame said to me "you sure are nice to keep pictures of ___ and his ex-wife around!" 3. Suggestive pictures - poses which he has never taken with me and definitely suggests they are a couple 4. Suggests he is her boyfriend in public, brushes me off as his mother 5. Actually became violent and cursed at me when I asked him to get counseling and told me he does not want me to get counseling (I suspect he thinks I will reveal something and a counselor will confirm my concerns.) 6. Wrote her an email telling her "my wife thinks we look like a couple. We need to tone it down. You and I both know we haven't come close to going over the edge. You were a good surrogate wife during the years we lived together." ???? 7. Continues to change the subject concerning the pictures, and won't delete them. He won't delete them, but he won't allow them to be framed either. At one point he said they were heinous, and in the next he says he has no idea where or why he puts his hands when he poses with her. 8. Writes emails telling her his problems with his marriage, under-mining my role as his wife. She tells him about her sexual problems with her boyfriend. All I really want to know is, am I over-reacting or does it seem like something isn't right? I know he loves his daughter(s), but the eldest and he - I don't know. It's just too weird. He is completely the opposite with his younger daughter, and every picture with her, the arm is around the shoulder, never suggestive. He never calls her, never emails her. Doesn't really want anything to do with her. The eldest has always bragged about how the younger daughter is like her mother, and she is like her daddy. I'm just looking for the truth.

Oh, dear.

You already know the truth. Your husband pretty much spelled it out quite clearly when he said in his email to his daughter: "...you were a good surrogate wife during the years we lived together."

How unfair of him to put her in that situation, regardless of whether or not she liked it. She could have found it rewarding that she was able to step into that role because any daughter would cherish being so loved by her father. Do you remember the Oedipal complex?

He lusts for his own daughter. Perhaps one might think that he simply enjoys feeling young again when he is with her and has issues with growing older but it is more than that. His email revealed that.

Your husband does, indeed, have a problem which presents to you a choice of how or if you'll live with it.

When his daughter is not in the picture, how is your relationship? Strong? How is your intimate life with him?

Do you have a close relationship with his eldest daughter? Can you talk with her? But be prepared that she might be an all-too willing participant. What about speaking with her boyfriend? He needs to be aware of what he might be walking into.

Chances are, they'll never "cross the line" but he already has in his mind and heart. Even if I could get past the creepiness of that and work through counseling with him to heal his emotional glitch, if HE doesn't admit he has a problem, you'll have to live with it.

As you age, will he look at you as his mother? You really need to question the quality of your relationship with him--daughter aside.

Interesting situation. My boyfriend's mom apparently used to pull stuff like this when he was married. I guess she felt pretty awful because after he got married his wife basically made it impossible for him to visit his family anymore. It's like she wanted to be the only woman in his life and then when they had their 3 girls things just got worst. His wife became a hypochondriac as a way to keep him from paying attention to anybody but her. Kind of sad.

The few times his mom would visit their house she apparently was always overly affectionate and would sit on my boyfriends lap in front of his now ex-wife (totally inaproriate behavior in my opinion) but she did this as a passive aggressive behavior because she and his ex-wife pretty much hated each other and she was hurting that she had been cut out of his life.

She exhibited a bit of this while visiting us and I think it's because maybe she feels resentful that after they divorced he decided to stay here in America and pretty much has no plans of going back to Australia. I also know she feels lonely and unappreciated by her hubby of 30 something years. I also think she really misses my boyfriend since she always had a special bond with him that she doesn't share with her other two kids. Her other two kids are very cold to her.

I think some parents do have issues with child/parent relationship and setting boundaries and the kids learn to accept this as normal even if it is inappropriate (bordering on gross from what you've described).

I think what Lori is saying is right on the money. Daughter aside what is your relationship with him like? Does he wish he had a younger looking/acting wife. Sexual issues aside (cuz we all have those with our partners) what is her relationship like with her boyfriend? Does she wish she had an older more mature guy in her life? I think people act inappropriately when they are not getting what they really want in their existing relationships or in life. Not blaming you in any way but maybe you need to ponder this. Is there something he needs from you or from a relationship that he is not getting?

Women and instincts are virtually inseparable. They are usually right too.

Just reading through the post, regardless of what has or hasn't happened yet, it feels lonely and I can just feel the "explaining away" of things that are catching your attention.

If something is important to a man, men are fairly simple, they are a here and now type of creature, they take care of it, pay attention to it emerse themselves in it.

When that interest isn't their partner, that's the thing you usually pick up on first. You usually will want to push it away after that or tell yourself it's just your imagination. But when the feeling comes back and comes back again and again, it's not your imagination whether you have all the details exactly right or not.

Reading through the post, it feels inapropriate. It's a tease that really has no business being in a father daughter relationship nor do you deserve to be hurt by his actions and/or comments. The age, "mother" comment to me is inexcusable and unnecessary at someone you are supposed to love, expense. It's selfish and i wish you were closer so we could get you out of the house, even if it's for a night out here and there...introduce you to people who would enjoy your company and find you attractive, appreciate you, etc.

When it's just you and someone who takes you for granted or doesn't want to spend quality time with you or find you attractive, your sense of self-worth becomes artificially tainted. You begin believing that one person's reaction to you is what the rest of the world thinks of you.

You won't change him, but you can do things differently yourself. If he wants to come along and alter his behavior wonderful, if not you will at least be surrounding yourself with healthy changes and people who will embrace you.

I am so sorry about your situation claresjobe. Indeed, the description of the father-daughter relationship is very strange. It is beyond what is considered a "normal" familial relationship. Two episodes stood out. One, your husband's remarks about your being his mom and him being the boyfriend at the restaurant. What a thoughtless and hurtful yet bizarre thing to say! It shows me that he does NOT care about your feelings and pride and it is even stranger that he would make a comment of that nature at all. What's worse is his email about the daughter being "a good surrogate wife" during the years they lived together. This instantly set off the alarm. It is beyond inappropriate- it sounds incestuous to me. A daughter should only be a daughter, not a wife. His comment makes me, and anybody who read your post, very uncomfortable. My father will never say anything like that to me. Never. His reluctance about seeking professional help tells me he's got something to hide. At this point, I am uncertain whether or not something happened between them but what I am fairly sure of is that your husband's feelings toward his daughter is almost sexual. I suggest that you have an open and honest conversation with him. If he continues to joke about it or beat around the bush, leaving this sick person immediately is probably your best and only choice. You deserve to be loved, respected, and happy!

Wow... Just wow...

This sounds incestuous to me as well. I think your husband needs help.

This reminds me of Mackenzie Phillips. She announced that she and her father had a sexual relationship for 30 years! His wife had suspicions but never figured they were actually sleeping together.

Normally I would suggest talking this through but I don't know if talking would help this situation. Sounds like he's unwilling to change things and she seems willing to go along with him.
I would, however, suggest you going to counseling alone and allow the counselor to give you some advice on what you can do on the matter. I'm really sorry you're involved in all this. Hope all works out for the best.

Clare, so sorry to hear of your troubles. I decided to read this post because my former step-father has a similar relationship with his daughter.

When he and my mom got together, he told her that when B. was in high school and living at home, he had to be careful about the way he looked at her when she walked through the house on her way out to the pool wearing a thong bikini. She told me that, and I said, "And you're still talking to him?!!" That's disgusting! Even if he thought it, how could he think it was okay to say it?!!

Mom said when B. came to visit for a week or so, he and B. were back in his bedroom talking. Mom didn't think anything of it, and went back there. When she got to the door, she saw them lying in bed, all cuddled up together! She said she just turned around and walked out, appalled at what she saw! She confronted him later, and his reply was, "She's my little girl!" Mom said, "She's a grown woman, almost 40 years old! She's not a little girl, and it's not normal for you two to be lying in bed together." He tried to make it sound totally innocent, and like my mom was the sick one for thinking it was wrong.

Then when he had surgery, she came to the hospital and he told her, "Come here," and she climbed up onto the hospital bed and lay down with him right there in front of everyone! They were lying there with their eyes closed! Gave me the heebie-jeebies!

Then I was talking to B.'s brother, who said that B. had told him once that when she was on a trip with her parents when she was about 14, they stayed a night in a hotel room. SHE slept with her dad, and her mom slept in the other bed. She told her brother that her dad was behind her, pulled her up against him and held onto her breasts! Of course, she didn't tell.

My mom, for some sick reason, blames B. for what her father, no doubt, has done to her for years. I feel sorry for her because I know that she goes along with the way he treats her because he is a very controlling person, and if she were to say no to him, he would cut her out of his life. While I think she'd be better off, her mother is dead, and her father is now 80, and she loves him. She is the youngest of 5 children, and he has put her in charge of his will and she is on his bank accounts with him. She's his partner.

These things do happen. We want to think they don't because we have a hard time believing anyone would have feelings like that for his own child, but some men do. That's not something that is going to change. If it were going to change, it should've been when he married you. You just have to decide whether or not you're willing to be his "other woman." I know I wouldn't be okay with that.

I agree with the others that you should definitely speak with a therapist if you have any doubts. It's not your imagination. His relationship with her might not have been consummated, but chances are, he's had many dreams that it has been. You deserve better than that.

Good luck, hun.

This sounds incestuous to me. The description of the father-daughter relationship is very strange.