BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids best thing about being a parent or being childfree

Someone pointed out this 'article' and for the life of me I cannot now remember who it was or on what forum they posted it, still it's worth a read (and a comment).

The parent comments aren't nasty (although very stereotypical views of childfree people) for once :-D

Kitchen Decorating? Why I don't know!!!!!

My comment is as follows:

It�s funny reading the parents� comments because I seem to manage to have the experiences they have but without the children :-D

Like the sense of wonder in things that other people find mundane. I may be an adult but that sense of wonder just never left me nor my partner. We�ve never lost that desire for learning either, and almost everything interests and/or fascinates us. It saddens me that so many adults have lost that and have to rediscover it �through their children�, I consider myself very lucky on that front.

As for knowing love, laughter and silliness well that doesn�t require children, again I find it rather sad that people didn�t know these things without children. My partner and my identical twin have got that bit well and truly covered. Goodness, some parents make it sound like their life was horrific before they had kids. Well your happiness shouldn�t be dependent on someone else, that�s too big a burden for a person to carry and certainly detrimental a child (I�ve seen it with my own eyes).

There is nothing in life as silly and ridiculous as the experiences you have as an (and with your) identical twin. It�s also the longest and greatest love you can know (blindingly obvious, of course, but scientifically proven also).

There does seem to be stereotypes on here about people who choose not to have kids (they want to keep their figure or they�re materialistic) yet parents are being portrayed as selfless and loving. Who are these parents and where can I meet them? Maybe you view today�s �good� standard of parenting as acceptable, I really don�t and what is acceptable by today�s standards is actually quite selfish parenting when compared against a child�s fundamental and developmental needs.

The facts are that selflessness is actually to do with helping people when it in no way benefits you or the furtherance of your genes. And so doing stuff for your own child doesn�t actually count because you are biologically programmed to do stuff for your own child to further you own genes! Selflessness is about helping others when there is no benefit to you or the furtherance of your genes. Materialism, also, is as common among parents as it is among childfree people, in some cases moreso. As for vanity, plenty of childfree people just keep fit for the sake of their health, not out of vanity :-D

Then there is the myth that your children will stand by you forever. It�s important that parents realise this is a myth and actually treat their children in such a way that their children CHOOSE to stand by them. The alternative is that they either won�t (and very many don�t) or that they will stand by you but out of obligation (and there will be a sense of resentment with this action). My parents have so many people in their lives who I know will stand by them till the day they die that even if my siblings and I died tomorrow I know my parents would be looked after. They have this because they are such lovely, selfless people (properly �selfless�, not in the sense used by other posters). My Gran died at 88 and boy could you barely get near her, even in her later years, for enthusiastic visitors from the ages of 15 all the way through to 94 :-D Your children will stay with you IF you are a good person and only if you are a good person, don�t kid yourself otherwise.

And so the best thing about being childfree is really simple. It is just the fact of not having children around except when you choose to have them around AND the amount of quality time this leaves for you and your husband/partner to really enjoy each other.

Very well said! Wish I could add more, but you said a lot of what I said. I don't feel I'm selfish, or selfless, in fact, I don't donate to organizations to feel self-righteous about it, I do it out of compassion becuase I know it's the right thing to do. I also think, "What if I was in that situation" I'd want someone to donate and help me out of a tough spot if my home went down tomorrow due to a hurricane. My child-free status is littered with selfish reasons, more money, more time, more silence, but in turn I do try to devote some of my abundance of income to help my local SPCA mostly, it's a very small organization and can use all the donates it can get. Not to mention they provide cost-effective spaying and neutering, and shots to those with less income. Which helps out a lot of people and continuing to support them continues to help people who are either on a fixed income or have low income keep their pets happy and healthy!

But, the fact that you enjoy your free time, silence, and money, thus will not cave in to peer pressure and have a child you will resent for the rest of your life for taking this away from you is pretty selfless. You are putting the needs of a potential child over your need to "fit in". Always look on the briiiiight siiiide of liiiifee...*whistles* ;-)

I checked out the link and I must say that I was surprised at the amount of non-judgemental comments from the parents.

'Parents are portrayed as selfless and loving. who are these parents and where can I meet them'....

I really liked the whole thing, but this line struck me.
Where did this idea come from ?
Is it from the movies, do you think ?

I've met many women who think they've suddenly been sainted when they've gotten pregnant, and had a child.
I wonder if, they suddenly realize how much hard work it is, and feel they need some recognition for this hard work, and sacrifice they are making ?

Maybe that's why these people look at those without kids in a lesser light, like ' you don't know what pressure I'm going through.'
These are the women who didn't think through the decision to have kids, until the reality hit them in the face.
And these are the women who are belittling to those without, maybe seeing the life they could have had without kids ?

(Or maybe some are just mean;-)

As Kat says, there are alot of non judgemental parents out there. These are the people who are happy with their decision to have kids, and are not insecure enough to want everyone else to join in.

The comments are sweet, I read one though that called my attention: "I just had my first baby 6 weeks ago, and being a Mom is wonderful".

I always find it funny when women call themselves "mom": "since I'm a mom..." "as a mom...". I don't know, it sounds like it is all about you and your status, not about the children. My mother never referred to herself as a mom (she could say to us maybe, "... because I am your mom" but not to others ".... because I am a mom"). She just simply had children, but whatever, maybe it is just one of my many issues, lol.

But in this post....do you need to write Mom in capital letters. like you were God?

I ended up re-reading some of these comments, only because I was bored spit-less. Yet one line struck me, becuase my own mother has said this before but: "that's an everlasting love.. their always there and you for them.." Somehow I find this entirely hard to believe, if children were REALLY this wonderful once they hit teenager-hood or adulthood, why are there so many aging parents in nursery homes who's kids haven't even bothered to come see them since they were enrolled? Why is it my friend, Vicky, who has a grown son, who would rather see her die than try and spend any time with her? Why is it my aunts son from her first marriage tried to sue her becuase she wouldn't give him anymore money? Why is it my step-dad's son, who is far older than I, and a blood relation, has never sent his own father a birthday card, a fathers day card, a Christmas call or nothing? If a child's love was so everlasting, why are so many parents heartbroken when they realize their kids would rather forget about them than even be seen 10 feet near them? I want to state that not EVERYONE is like this, not every child ends up like the ones mentioned above. Yet somehow, it seems like to me, a lot do end up like this. My previous boyfriend HATED his mother, I mean REALLY hated her. If he didn't love his father so much he'd never speak to her. And coming from a very close knit family it was hard for me to imagine me never speaking to my parents including my step-dad. I've seen people who really loved their parents and then I see the ones that really loath them very much for no particular reason. It really does make me wonder what the merit is in being a parent. Because as much as we'd like to believe it won't, there is a chance any parents child could turn out this way. Doesn't make them bad parents, just children grow up to be individuals and make their own decisions. I just wish parents didn't "over romanticize" parenthood so much. There are SO many case scenarios both really good and really bad, that could come when a child is old enough to think for themselves and has moved out of their parents house. There are no guarantees with children.

Amen to that, Jennifer.

Gaynor, no movie (unfortunately) this is what I have to bite my lip from saying any time women claim that having children proves they are selfless. I won't necessarily criticise someone for having children but that doesn't make it selfless and, if anything, it's far from it since all you're doing is perpetuating your own genes! "I had sex, I was drunk, I forgot to use protection, I got pregnant, couldn't face a termination, gave birth, WAOW, look at me, aren't I so selfless."

So they go on about how much they do for their kids... YES, of course they do stuff for their kids, they need to look after their kids to perpetuates their OWN genes even further :-D It's really nothing at all to do with selflessness.

I would be happy if parents would just get on with their lives accepting that all they are doing is responding to a very primitive biological urge, it wouldn't make them bad people, it wouldn't mean they love their kids any less, it would just be honest, and would save us having to listen to complete drivel about how having kids makes them Mother Theresa.

My mum is selfless, but my mum is selfless because she IS, not because she's my mum. More to the point my mum is selfless because she gives her time and money to help people that DON'T share her genes!

I agree with Kat as the parents were being reasonably tame compared to many, but they were still up their own backsides like it's going out of fashion :-D

Just wanted to say all good points everyone! I take my dog occasionally to nursing homes for pet therapy and although I do see some sons and daughters visiting while I'm there, usually the elderly are ignored by their kids. I never had a close relationship with any of my grandparents (three died either before I was born or shortly thereafter and my grandfather was more of a loner) so I truly enjoy talking to the ones that still have their wits about them. Even those that are too sick to talk enjoy petting my pup. Nursing homes are usually smelly, uncomfortable places (even the newer ones) but we're all going to get older if we're lucky someday and quality of life shouldn't go down because of it. And there is no rule that your kids have to like you. I love my mom but we have little in common. I would say she really doesn't "like" me much either. But now that I'm an adult I show respect by biting my tongue about things I cannot change about her and appreciate the fact that she gave me life. It also helps that I live 600 miles away. However, her and my dad EXPECT to have a relationship with me and my brothers - which drives me nuts! I've been way more forgiving to them then I probably should, which probably goes back to my guiltfest of a Catholic upbringing. One of my brothers has shut my parents out completely due to a multitude of hurtful comments said by them to his wife and my mom's bipolar behavior around his children. I'm sure they are very hurt by this but just because you popped a kid out it doesn't make you automatically a beneficiary of their eternal love. That sounds harsh but it comes down to actions and how you treat one another. Biology and geneology have nothing to do with it.