BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I need advice! HELP!

My mother told me the exact same thing once! And I also felt very bad when I met my husband... just the end of the story differs, lol. As all the old regulars here may know, I caved in and had a child, although I didn't want one AT ALL. I just felt too guilty because my husband really wanted them and I knew he would be a great father. I must say he never ever threatened to leave me, he even tried to understand. I just felt guilty to take something so important (for those who are m/paternal like that) away from him. Also, unlike many of the men I hear of in this forum, he was really prepared for the responsibility. For example: he took three months leave to take care of the baby, the first three months. I never breastfed and he would wake up in the middle of the night for weeks to feed bottles oftener than me. My son is 3, and his father is not a baby-sitter, he is a real care-taker.
Anyway, I still visit this forum, because, contrary to what people told me: I NEVER changed my mind. Almost none of all the famous breeder phrases came true: I have not known even for 5 minutes what it is like to want a child, I haven't forgotten birthpains at all, not everything was worth it... And as much as I love my boy (and he is a real treasure) I would never have another one. Pregnancy, birth, and the first year with baby were the worst times of my life. I suffered from depression, I was under medication, and it is only a couple of months ago that I stopped going to therapy.

KC2500: if he has already told you what he is going to do, he has been brutally honest about what he wants and has made very clear that he loves the idea of a child more than you. Do not do something that totally goes against your guts and feelings for someone who is not being nice to you.

I just wanted to thank you all again for your posts. I've read each and every one carefully, even multiple times, and it's really gotten me to thinking. I'll keep you posted on what happens. I greatly appreciate it. :)

Hey Solalux, Thanks so much for posting that. I thought I was the only one who felt some of the things you wrote. I adore my son but my pregnancy was pretty horrible. I was on prozac the last 5 months and the birth was awful and I have never felt at home with the whole mommy thing. Good to know I'm not the only one who feels some of the things you discussed.

KC: Sorry you're having to deal with ultimatums. That isn't very nice of your hubby. Maybe you can agree to put it aside until you're 30 something. Then you can revisit the idea again. If he loves you he should be able to compromise.

If you didn't want kids why did he marry you? I think maybe some men believe the hype about people changing their minds.To hear a husband say to a wife or vice versa, "Have a child or I will leave." sounds truly insane to me. That's like saying change your career,interests, what you want out of life, or I will leave. I have to say that these types of posts really shake me to the core! My husband is younger than I, and says he was neutral on having kids but when he met me realized he'd rather have me than kids. He wants a vasectomy, which is good! I try not to dwell or worry. i nurture him and our relationship the best I can and hope I will be enough for him. If he ever threatened to leave me because of that I would be absolutely devastated! However, I wouldn't agree to have kids. Stay strong and maybe try to find things that the two of you enjoy that you could never do if you had kids...(extensive travel, sex on the kitchen table, reading to each other in a peaceful house,dates at the most expensive restaurant..Whatever floats your boat. I hope it works out. Remember, you deserve someone that loves and accepts you for who you are,someone who wouldn't force you to go through a MAJOR life changing event in order to keep them!

Hi, Just as we all need to be respectful of you and your feelings so we need to be respectful of your husbands. Respect cuts both ways. It does seem to be a biological imperative for some people to want to have children and for others not to, stronger even than the love between husband and wife. If your husband needs to and you don't then you need to discuss the implications gently and without recriminations. If it is time for you to part over this, then do it respectfully and wish each other well for the future. If you still have love for each other and this love cannot overcome the barrier of children then it makes sense to part ways. As you know having children is a once and for commitment. Once one is on the way you can never be separate from them. Apart, yes, but they will always be a part of you. Having children or not having children is something for which there is no compromise. If this isn't where you are then focus on the positive you have had in this relationship and be prepared to move on. The need to have children cannot be denied, just as the need NOT to have them can be very very strong. So if you cannot have both this husband and no children, then what is your life going to look like?

It's great to hear from the guys too, and interesting that there are so many people here that don't regret not having kids.

Although I know my own mind, one of the biggest worries has been - but if I never have kids I'll regret it.

The reason for this is the constant bombardment of others with the 'you'll change your mind one day.'
Even though in my own mind, I don't believe it, I am constantly almost forced to reassess, because of the negative attitude of others regarding women without children.

If your partner is not on the same page, then it will feel a very isolated life, as we've all said before, life in general is difficult to negotiate.
So without a supportive partner at home to share the ups and downs, helping each other, AND both wanting the same things, then I can't see it's going to work.

When I was 31 I thought I wanted kids, and we tried, ( My hubby said, whatever I wanted, although he didn't really want one himself ) but after a year I realized it was the pressure from others that made me think seriously about having one, and that 'released ' me to live the life I - and we - wanted.

Think also about the worst things that could happen in life - what if you divorced, and had a child ? what if the child was disabled in some way ?
I'm not saying this to put you off - these should never be a reason NOT to have kids if you want them. BUT you need to consider all possibilities in life, so that nothing is a suprise / shock After it's too late to change.

For me, I'm 44 now, there are many days I'm grateful I don't have kids. Of course you're going to think 'should I ? ' throughout your life, but the litmus test, is when you have these thoughts, you think hard about the right answer for you. if that is 'no' then listen, and don't be forced by others.
- Don't let that get you depressed, either, as though you can't change your mind. YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT, listen to your heart.
Good luck.

Solalux and Exercise Editor, great comments!

I'm with Gaynor on this issue. Even when you know you don't want kids you have to accept that there may be very short-lived moments in your life where you think "oh, it would be nice if I experienced that", I can't come up with any at the moment as I sit here trying to concentrate while a child is screaming it's lungs out in the cafe, but I know there will be some, most likely later in life when friends' kids are grown up and not so much of a bother.

Still, as long as you are prepared for those very short-lived moments you'll be fine, and all you need to remind yourself of each time is that the feeling itself is short-lived, having a child most definitely isn't.

And much as it is a very negative thing I also think prospective parents need to seriously consider how they will cope if they have a child with developmental or physical difficulties. It's easy to think "It'll be fine, I'll have a baby and then go back to work after 9 months and have the best of both worlds rather than being tied down to a baby." But the reality is that you could have a child that needs far more care than usual and could do so until the day they die. As I say, it sounds like a negative thing, but it is a reality for some people who really looked forward to having children and I think it should always be considered by people who want children.

In that situation, me being the person that I am, would get an IUD or the under the skin implant (or sterilization) and just never tell him. They work for years (or permanently) and he would never know. Of course not everyone is as conniving as me...He he he...

Luckily I did not have to hide my essure procedure from my guy though. He didn't understand me wanting to get it but he did not protest.

[/quote] KC: Sorry you're having to deal with ultimatums. That isn't very nice of your hubby. Maybe you can agree to put it aside until you're 30 something. Then you can revisit the idea again. If he loves you he should be able to compromise. [/quote] With all due respect to Exercise Editor, I don't think it's a good idea to put off making a decision about this for years. My ex-husband and I considered that option (to wait) when we were going through the same issue and decided against it, as we both thought that it was crazy to waste years of your life in a relationship that is very likely to end, anyway. Plus I just couldn't see how we were going to be able to put this problem "on the backburner" so to speak. It would have been the elephant in the room, always. It's best to start the process of discussing it and trying to come up with a solution now. The longer you pretend it's not happening, the more painful it's going to be if and when you part ways.