BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I need advice! HELP!

Ladies, I have nobody else I can talk to. I need some insight. I'm 26 years old. My hubs is 33 (6 1/2 years older). We've been married 3 years. The one thing we've started fighting about is the kids topic. Basically, he wants them, and I don't...or so I think. Ever since I was a little girl, I avoided babysitting because I couldn't stand kids. My little sisters were always the ones who wanted to hold babies and play with them, etc., not me. When I was about 18 I started saying that I didn't want kids. Everyone gave me the BS responses: "Your biological clock will make you want them", "It's different when they're your own", "They make life worthwhile", BLAH BLAH BLAH. Well almost 9 years later, and nothing is changed. I'll be 27 in January and the thought of having kids is worse than ever. Am I making a decision too soon? The hubs has said he will probably leave me if I don't have kids. I don't want to throw in the towel on our marriage only to realize at 35 that the clock was running late. But I can honestly say that anything and everything involving babies, kids and motherhood DOES NOT appeal to me, and most of the time, irritates me or grosses me out. I don't know what to do. Any response is appreciated. Thank you.

Trust how you feel. If you don't want kids, kids will only make your life miserable and you'll resent them and your husband for having them. You have plenty of time, maybe you'll change your mind, but I'm 40 and I've known I didn't want them. Nothing about it appeals to me either. Trust yourself. Trust your decision. I wish you the best of luck. -amy

Wow, well my arrow went straight to the man, who himself is going to throw in the towel if his wife doesn't hop-2...

I know that feeling you're talking about and it's a real one. It would be the same thing if someone didn't want to go swimming becuase they didn't like water and someone else pushes them into the deep-end.

I had my own reasons for being hesitent, it had mostly to do with the parenting skills and what I see kids doing today and a planet that is already over populated, so i waited and really thought about my reasoning. I was afraid I'd mess a child up. So, I thought if I can take care of something else that is totally reliant upon me, like say a puppy I might have faith in my abilities.

I did have a beautiful daughter. I still do. BUT....no one is allowed to throw in the towel once you have a child. I have a man-child for an ex-husband who does sadly keep me from my daughter, but for 10 years I was there every day and every night, through the puking, 3-5 yearws of sleepless nights, the tears and insecurities, the slamming doors (of which I took off the hinge).

I can tell you now that if a man would leave u because you aren't ready for whatever, then that man already lacks empathy. For a healthy, not only child but family in the years to come if that is what you decide to do, if a man or woman han't any empathy then there's an ejection-seat button with their name on it.

In the long run it is one of the few non-negotiables there are. I would really listen to my Soul/instincs and investigate so at the minimum you are self-reliant, no matter what he "promises" if he gets his way.

Didn't you guys discuss this before you married since you said since a kid you knew. If he was okay with it then and still asked you to marry him then its not fair that he now threatens you. Marriage is about two people...not kids. (granted most get married to have kids..well at least make it legal) People do not really change...so I don't think you would be happy giving in. Good Luck to you.

Thanks for your responses. To answer your questions, we discussed it a little here and there rather superficially before we married. Frankly, everyone's smug remarks about me changing my mind had me going, "Hmm, OK maybe they're right, but until then..." In fact, I had a pregnancy scare 2 years ago and he was quite...unhappy. This led me to believe we were sort of on the same page. Now with the thought of kids looming, and me clarifying that I still really don't want kids, he's getting mad. He's saying there is no purpose to life unless there are kids. I guess I'm angry because for the last several years, everyone's been NOT LISTENING. Like they're patting me on the head thinking, "dumb girl, she'll change her mind; she doesn't know what she wants!" Well I'm remaining steadfast in my initial views and now they're acting surprised, including my husband. I don't get it.

KC, I totally understand where you're coming from. No matter how much you tell a man you don't want kids there are still some who are so brainwashed by society (particularly its women) they believe that one day some clock will kick in and you'll want kids after all. So I can understand you marrying him and him marrying you even though you were honest with him. My partner is 32 and he does truly believe me, but I'm not sure my ex-husband was convinced, I reckon he thought I'd change my mind (children are not the reason we split).

It is very possible that he was okay with it and is changing his mind as he gets older, some people do, others don't, but what matters most is he made a commitment to you to be with you till death. Now, as far as he was aware when he made that commitment, either or both of you could be incapable of having children. We don't make the commitment of marriage dependent on the provision of children, because we simply cannot know for sure that children can happen, and if they can't happen then the couple are still in that situation together.

I'm also with you on the 'head patting' comment. I've been saying I don't want kids since my teens and I think only now that I'm 34 (and with a condition where they tell you to start having children the minute they diagnose you with it because fertility is a real issue). 10 years from diagnosis I think people are truly starting to get that I am not going to have kids, ever!

Unlike you I 'thought' I wanted kids when I was younger, when I say 'thought' what I mean was I guess I just assumed it would happen some day I didn't really think about the fact that I could choose to not have them. Since I realised it was perfectly okay to choose to not have them I have chosen to not have them.

I think you guys do need to have some serious discussion. I mean maybe he doesn't really want kids, maybe he just wants children to play with (not to actually help with the raising part)? In which case he has to understand that's not an option, dads have to be active nowadays. Maybe he is just succumbing to other people's beliefs or pressure from family? Maybe he truly doesn't want kids but believes he will want them some day because it's just what people do?

Remember, the issue may be difficult for him, he may not know his mind, although you're lucky that you do. I would suggest being supportive but also trying to get to the bottom of whether he genuinely wants children or whether he just wants someone to look after him in his old age.

All the best to you, I hope he realises he doesn't want them and you can return your relationship to normal.

LJx

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I agree it is difficult to get over the fear of uncertainty, especially when everyone keeps planting the idea in your head.

I was a lot like you when I was younger, avoiding babysitting like the plague, and I preferred books to baby dolls. I'd heard all those cliche` statements as well whenever I mentioned I didn't want children. The only reason they stop now is because I quickly follow, "I'm not having children" with "I've had my tubes tied." Being only 29, that's apparently the only way anyone can know you are serious.

The one statement that got me the most came from my mom when I was a teen. She said, "Dee, when you fall in love with a man, you will WANT to have his children." Well, let me tell you how bad that made me feel when I fell in love with my husband and still had no desire to reproduce. We all know our desire to remain childfree has nothing to do with our partners (at least for most of us). But, after hearing that, I get this horrible (probably paranoid) suspicion that people think I love my husband less than a woman who has children with hers. You know, the whole "We are a FAMILY now." I feel like my husband and I are family, him, me, and our 5 rotten kitties, but I know people don't view us that way.

I digress, my apologies. My husband chose me over having kids, and so far it's been 7 wonderful years of marriage. We've even been through 2 unplanned (and subsequently terminated) pregnancies (hence the NEED for the tubal ligation), and he's been nothing but supportive and wonderful. Yet, sometimes when I hear someone going on about how great kids are, I want to punch them in the face and say, "Shut up! Don't remind him of what I can't give him!" Despite all his assurances, I still fear that one day he'll change his mind.

But, right about now everyone is wondering what this has to do with you. Well, here it is: You don't have to wonder what he's going to do in the future. He's already told you. He wants kids, and if you aren't going to do it he's going to find someone who will. I agree he's being a D-bag about it, because he promised to love you forever. You should feel like more to him than a uterus with legs. Like everyone said, what if you COULDN'T have them? My husband never gives me any grief over not having kids, I put it all on myself, which is why I love this board and all these people. There is so much support here. Obviously, I can't know your heart and soul on the matter. But, I think we will all agree that if you have a child when you really don't want one, it would be the worst thing you could do for your marriage (and also for the child). You can always come here for support, and I would also recommend marriage counseling if at all possible. It's a safe place where people are forced to confront their issues head on.

I wish you the best.

-D.

If your gut is telling you that you don't want them, in most cases that doesn't seem to change. I am now late 30's and happier than ever I never gave in to pressure to have kids. I was 16 when I decided I was sure I didn't want children. As others have mentioned, I too, had an ex that figured I would come around to having kids. We broke up because i didn't. It sucked at the time, but it was for the best. No one can tell you what to do, but not agreeing on this issue is a serious deal breaker. I agree that sitting down for a serious talk to see exactly where he stands is the first step you need to take. Good luck figuring it all out.

Before I start, forgive me if I come off a little strong about this. It hits a little close to home for me, so I feel passionate about it none-the-less. I have to put this point blank, you two need to sit down and have a serious discussion, not fight, not argue, talk. First and foremost hun, don't alter yourself, ever to keep a man in your life. It's not worth it, husband, boyfriend, live-in boyfriend who ever, don't alter what makes you happy to please someone else. Chances are you'll end up being very unhappy because it wasn't for yourself you did it, it was somebody elses interest in mind. You see, what it boils down too, is what makes YOU happy, not other people, not your husband, family, friends, or anyone else. If you lived your life conforming to everyone's wishes naturally what you want, goes unsatisfied. If you turn 35 and realize you want kids, adoption is always an option if you find out you can't have kids of your own. Yet I find it very childish and immature of your husband to threaten you with a divorce becuase he's attempting to force you to do something you may possibly be uncertain about. It's not fair to force anyone, no matter how close you are to them, to do something they don't want. No matter how big or small, it's still not right. I have to admit, your husband is being very selfish, and instead of considering your feelings he's pushing his own. If he divorces you becuase of this, then it's his decision, you may not like it, but it's better than having children only to find out you hate him for forcing it on you, and you regret having them all together. A common saying on this forum is "it's better to regret not having children than to regret having them" because if you regret not having them at a certain age, you can always do foster care, adoption, or something else to make a different in a child's life. There are always options open to women who want to start a family late in life, but there is no way to opt out of being a parent unfortunately. I do hope that he becomes more considerate of your feelings and hopefully realizes how selfish he's being by threatening you with a pending divorce because of it. It's not fair to you at all and it shouldn't be grounds for divorce. I do wish you all the best in this endeavor. Your happiness, with or without your husband is the priority. Remember that you need to be happy with your decisions, not because it makes your husband happy but because it's something YOU truly want.

Hey, i TOTALLY understand where you're at right now. I was married to a great guy and ended up separating (mainly) because of this exact same problem. He wanted them and I didn't. We discussed it in the beginning but as we were both only 23-24, we thought I would change my mind as I got older. When I turned 30, I had a bit of a stocktake of my life and realised that it was very unlikely that I would want kids one day. When i told my husband, he kind of broke down then we desperately grappled for a compromise, but of course, as you probably realise, there really isn't one in this case. I made the choice in teh end to leave because I knew that if either of us gave in, we would ultimately resent the other for that, and I did not want to live a life like that. All I would say to you is that if you feel you don't want kids, you have to go with that, and if your husband leaves you for that, then it wasn't meant to be. I am now very happy in a relationship with an amazing man who already has 2 older children and so I get no pressure from him in that department. Be strong and stick to your guns! All the best.