BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Mother Daughter Conflict

Got a weird scenario here. A daughter (married with children) lives 1000 miles from her mother. Usually the daughter calls once a week. She started a new job and ended up extremely busy. Did not call her mom for three weeks. Her mother was extremely upset and let everyone around her know it yet never called her daughter to check up on her. When the brother called the daughter to let her know that mom was not happy, she called her. She got busy again and time slipped away. Four weeks later was the daughter's birthday. She figured her mother would call her on that day. For the first time in 40 years her mother did not call her. She expected her daughter to call.

The daughter was hurt and extremely upset that she was the one always having to call which cost her money and she was the one that had to travel with her kids to visit which was extremely taxing financially on the family. Her mother is widowed, has no obligations, and has the financial means to do whatever she wants. The daughter thought about calling mom, but brother sent a message that mom was on the warpath about daughter and how she was neglecting her.

If the daughter calls, she will be scolded and never forgiven. Mom hates to forgive and forget. The daughter is tired of being belittled and treated badly every time she calls. She also does not want to call because she wants her mom to actually make the effort. In addition to all this, her mom is telling everyone that it has been over a year since they last spoke. It has been six months.

There might be underlying issues as to why her mother is worse than ever in how she treats people. She has become downright nasty to another daughter and deliberately tries to humiliate her in front of others including co-workers. She is becoming forgetful and meaner as the weeks go by.

The daughter is being pressured by those around her that she needs to call, but the thought of hearing those snide words makes her sick to her stomach. She cannot face hearing how horrible she is as a daughter and all the other things she does wrong. The daughter did call a couple of times, but the line was busy (mom is on the phone a lot) and her brother warned her that mom was on the warpath against everybody.

Now, that a novel has been written Should the daughter give into her friends and call? Or should she hold off until she knows her mother is in an amicable mood which may never happen?

That is a difficult situation. My immediate reaction is to call. Life is so short and the daughter would not want to feel regrets later when she no longer has a mother there to call.

Then again, if the situation is absolutely unbearable - I would say to maybe send a letter to mom instead of calling. That way she maintains contact even if it's a one sided conversation.

The letter idea could work perfectly. It saves the face to face trauma.

I have searched a forum to release my sadness and anxiety over something simular to your delemma. I have read over and over again the pattern of mothers who abandoned thier children and so thier children go onto life abandoning thier own. I struggle not to put myself into this catagory but i keep getting reminded that i have done just that. All things came to an explosive situation a week ago after an email to my daughter telling of my sadness that she refuses to let me speak to my grandaughters. It had been since May and it is now almost November. Over the last 15 years I have lived in the state of Washington Whereas my daughter had moved to California back to her family ..Father who i was not in a relationship with and her stepmother and stepbrother. She was 17 She was sad and angry and did not want to live so far from her friends and family. I wanted her to be happy I had married and my husband decieded to move us closer to his family. It was a tough move for the both me and my daughter. As the years passed my marriage ended and i resettled in Washington. Because i did not return to California my daughter felt abandoned and resented me. I was a child who had no family ...spent alot of years moved around from one household to the next and did not feel comfortable back in the bay area ...i was truly hoping as the years went on that my daughter would choose to move back here to Washington with me. At one point she aked me not to move back because she did not know where he would end up. She choose to marry unannounced to me and proceeded to have three children ...her marriage was a firestorm right from the beggining and her resentment grew towards me that i was not there to help her raise her children. I was asked to move in with them and chose not to do so because of the constant fighting something i was uncomfortable with. Over the years i helped the family with car problems , groceries, family vacations etc.I would often take the girls on camping trips and flew the family here for Christmas as well as taking the children here for summer vacations and I came to visit as much as i could afford.... About 5 years ago i chose to remarry , this time my daughter exploded in anger , she refused to accept my new husband and was often very verbal about her dismay. My marriage ended a few months ago it was an abusive situation that i desperatly wanted to be out of and over the years was clearly seeing that i wanted to be closer to my girls it did not help the marriage stay together. I made plans over the last few months to return to California and start a new life again...i have been very excited. My daughter would email me constantly and we would talk but my grandchildren did not have the option. Over the years for every 10 or so phone calls made on my end i recieved 1 or so. i would ask that she would let them call...i would call no answer ...i would text her and ask them to call no response....this went on for months and months i became very sad...so i let her know i felt. I quit sending money to her over the last year the divorce left me in a difficult situation....i felt that she was using the children to get to me and not let them respond becuase i quit sending money....when i brought that up to her she became defensive, saying now that i am divorced i want a relationship with the girls and her ,She is 32 years old i am 52 when does all this end....why do i have to keep giving so much to get so little back....if i turn my back on her and take a break i am turning my back on my grandaughters as well. i am so hurt. Things have become really bad, i have told her i cannot take more abuse i am exhausted and dont have the energy to go through this with her and she is continuing to be angry with me. I have a trip planned to visit for Christmas i am very uncomfortable and i would not go accept for the fact that i miss my grandaughters terribly. My daughter will once again bombard me with guilt for abandonment of her and the girls and i need help with reponding...i cannot make the right thing happen at this point because i do not do well with conflict...If anyone has some suggestions please feel free to repond i would truly appreciate the help...Sonorarose

A letter is much easier ...it can be rewritten and torn up until the words spoken are just right. When you are confronted with harshness it is very difficult not to respond in the same way. Your mother may have a physical illness she is unaware of that is causing her to be so intolerable. An old friend of mine once said it is easier to sweetin up the lemonade with sugar than more lemons i think they were right. Good luck i hope that all gets resolved ...Sincerely Sonorarose

Hi Rebecca, Initially I would have said that the mother was being very petty, phone calls should not just be one way, if someone hasn't phoned you then rather than get upset phone them. It's not rocket science and it saves a lot of unnecessary anger. That said, it struck me that you mention marked changes in this woman's behaviour, especially to her children. Obviously I don't know this woman in any way, shape or form but it is always worth remembering that the initial signs of dementia or other forms of senility can leave the sufferer very confused and aggressive. In some ways the initial stages (which would be hard to get a diagnosis on) can be worse for those close to the person because the person is aware something isn't right but has no real knowledge of what is going on and respond by getting scared and hitting out at others. If this is just good old emotional blackmail (and my ex's mum was the master at it, and still is to this day, hence the 'ex' bit) then I say that it's right to tell the mum to buck up her ideas and that relationships are a two way thing, also to point out to her when she uses emotional blackmail. BUT, it is always worth considering that there could be an underlying medical cause, and maybe for a while it would be a good idea to have people around her keeping an eye out and keeping some kind of note of times when she is unusually forgetful, nasty or aggressive. My ex's gran wasn't the nicest of women but even she was out of character aggressive as her faculties diminished and it was her closest that suffered from her anger and rage. There was a remarkable difference once she was diagnosed and moved into a very kind, loving home, and the family were able to spend her final days actually enjoying the time they spent with her rather than going out with lots of hate and anger unvented (which would have happened if she'd continued to live with them). Also, remember that many older people are very proud (some of us will be at that age too) and may automatically default to feeling like a burden. They then go on to become what they fear becoming (if that makes sense) and sitting down and making plans with them for their future (i.e. do they want to be put into a home once they start showing certain signs?) can make them feel more in control and less like a burden. Anyway, hope that gives you something to think about, and I truly hope (in some ways) that it is a sign of a woman that is struggling with losing her faculties rather than someone who just isn't very pleasant and uses emotional blackmail too much. LJx

Oh, should have said. If there is any problems with obesity then sudden outburts could be a diabetes issue?